new here . . . rough night last night

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
new here . . . rough night last night
5
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 11:20am

I just found this board, and I think it's wonderful for people to have a place to turn and share thoughts and feelings with people who might actually understand.

A little background . . . I am an intelligent, caring, devoted mother of 2 girls. I have lived a "normal" life. And I would never have thought that I would ever think about taking my own life. Then the rug was ripped from under my feet. On April 19, my husband told me that he had seen a lawyer and was filing for divorce. That night I swallowed 26 Xanax, 2 sleeping pills, and 216 acetaminophen. I probably would have taken more if I could have found more to take. My husband found me passed out in our bedroom and called 911. I spent a night in the ER and the next few days in a behavioral health hospital.

He and I get along well now, and I have my own place, and I'm doing what I can to get my life back on track. But every day is a struggle. I have good days where I feel fine and almost happy. But most days I fight back the "thoughts". I just don't want to exist anymore. Literally, the only things keeping me on this planet are my girls. I can't stand the thought of hurting them, and I know that they would be hurt if I left them.

I feel very alone. My friends don't seem to understand how I feel. They tell me to cheer up and move on or some of them have even called me selfish for even thinking of harming myself. I am on anti-depressant medication, but I don't guess it's doing enough because I keep thinking of new ways to end things. I try to push those thoughts from my head. Honestly, I do. Like I said, every day is a struggle.

Last night I had a bad night. A very bad night. And I haven't shaken it yet this morning. I am sad and tired and (dang it!) my head hurts from crying all night. I just wish I could understand why I keep feeling this way.

Thank you for listening. I hope you all are having a better day than I am. This, too, shall pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:07pm

Hi Justbeinme,

April is very recent for something that painful, no one can move on that quickly. It must have been a terrible shock for you to hear, and to top it off you had to start all over in life- finding a new place, moving- when you did not plan to or want to.

That is enough to throw anyone off- give it time, give it a year or so. You can get through this, right now it seems normal and healthy to be sad and emotional.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 1:54pm

Hello and welcome to the board--although I wish you were in a better place and didn't have to feel such pain! What I can tell you is that there are people here (including myself) who can understand that sometimes the pain is so deep that escaping by any means possible seems somehow a logical rational response. And in some sense I suppose it is. But there are other ways to deal with pain. Death is far too permanent!


As bluerains said, April is not very long ago at all! Quite frankly, after

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2006
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 3:11pm

First, many thanks to you who have already posted. I am encouraged just by having been HEARD and UNDERSTOOD. I have tried to confide in people that I consider good friends, but the immediate reaction is to either cheer me up or to babysit me until they feel the immediate danger is gone. There is no real understanding of my feelings as they have never experienced such feelings.

My girls are 10 (from a previous relationship) and 3. They are wonderful little girls. The oldest lives with me, and I share custody of the little one with her father. She is supposed to be with us equal amounts of time, but because of her father's work schedule, she is actually with me most of the time. My oldest DD seems to be dealing fine with the situation. I think she feels like as long as she's with me she can deal with just about anything. She doesn't know about the attempted suicide - only that I was sick and in the hospital for a few days. And the baby just doesn't understand. She seems fine except that she has a bit more seperation anxiety than she did before. But I think she is basically secure that she is loved and will be taken care of.

When I can think rationally, I know that taking my life is out of the question. I know that I can't do that to my kids. But when the heartache starts to get to me, and I fall into that hole, I simply don't think rationally. I start to think that there is no end in sight and no way out of my hole. Last night was just one of those nights. I am starting to feel better today. But I'm still not myself. I know that 3 months isn't a long time, but it feels like forever already.

I'm not currently in therapy. I know that I should be, but at this time it takes all the money I have just to pay the bills. And sometimes it's not even enough. I have insurance, but even the mere $35 copay is not in my budget. So I'm still working on that.

Thanks again

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 4:50pm

I agree, 3 months (or a day or a week) can feel like forever when we are in deep pain! And it's so true that not everyone understands that kind of pain.....and so they try to help the best way they know how, however misguided that help may be. Cliches such as "Pull yourself up by the bootstraps" or "Just put it behind you and move on" really do a disservice to those of us who have suffered. Because after all, if it was REALLY that easy, wouldn't you have done it by now? I know I sure would have back when I was in that position and I'm guessing that most people would! That said, people generally do the best they know how......they just don't always understand.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 9:34pm

It's always worse in the middle of the night when you're too upset to sleep but don't have any distractions. And usually you're alone at night, and even if you want to call someone, they are probably sleeping so the night drags on forever and you want to fall asleep so you can just stop thinking, but you can't becuase you can't turn off your mind... that's how it is for me, anyway.

You can always come here and talk. You need real support, so you can be there for your children. Someone has to be there for you first. Can you tell your friends you need something different from them, maybe "teach" them how to be supportive?