fear

Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
fear
3
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 12:10am
Not sure what I really want to say. In the past few weeks, the thoughts of suicide haven't been in the forefront of my mind, until tonight at least. Not that I am really suicidal at this point (altho it doesn't take much for me to be at that point). Whenever I find myself just totally overwhelmed with fear and dislike of myself, is when the thoughts that it would be better if I weren't around appear. It seems that my therapist may actually be getting the idea of how intensely I am afraid. I've also been noticing how much I really am not connecting with anyone. Yes I like to be around people, I LOVE my kids more than anything else in this world but I still keep them all at a distance. My kids have been allowed to be the closest to me but there are things that I realize I struggle with with them due to fear. Some days I end up having to visualize burying myself (inside myself) just to keep the anxiety and fear in check, am too afraid of it making things out of control for me, not sure if that makes any sense. I find myself being more verbal here and on other boards right now and even in emails to friends that I have pretty much avoided for awhile. I wish I knew how to really feel at ease, even if just a little. I hate being me! I really am just soo tired of struggling every single second of every single day, even while I am trying to sleep, it's a struggle. I just want to relax, I just want to feel comfortable and sometimes it seems as there is only one way to accomplish that. sorry again I don't know why I am writing and wasting space.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: markshay
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 11:08am

Hey Sandra,


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Avatar for markshay
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
In reply to: markshay
Fri, 08-11-2006 - 9:59pm
Thanks Lori for the reply. I know some of what you are saying is true about always having that "out" there. I've made some progress in that area to be honest, at least I don't have that stash of meds that I used to have. It is somewhat of a comfort for me tho to at least know that there can be an ultimate end if NEED be and that I do have that choice. I know that sounds really pathetic tho. For me, it is the only 'safe' way for me to deal with me. That lack of connection that I have is not totally due to feeling that I don't deserve it, it's that the all encompassing fear that I exist in keeps me well hidden and way out of touch. Trying to break thru the fear seems impossible and is just way too big to just say I'm going to do this or that to try to overcome it. I don't know what I need, I do know that the harder I try sometimes it seems the harder it becomes. I apologize if I'm not making much sense. It's hard to explain it when its just all too confusing to myself when I try to figure it out and try to explain it. All I can really completely define is how it makes me feel and that feeling of fear and shakiness and dread and the pit of my stomach ready to explode is what is clear to me. I don't know what I am trying to say. I'm tired. When what I live in is as intense as it is, anything more becomes unbearable and outside of the realm of controliblity to me. I don't feel like I deserve to post because I feel stupid and vulnerable and I don't make any sense.
Sandra.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: markshay
Sat, 08-12-2006 - 10:59am

"I don't feel like I deserve to post because I feel stupid and vulnerable and I don't make any sense."

That's what this board is for. It's not supposed to be the "Perfect People with Perfect Lives" board... right?

You do make sense. That is what severe anxiety feels like. It makes daily functioning very hard!

"Trying to break thru the fear seems impossible and is just way too big to just say I'm going to do this or that to try to overcome it."

That is the Catch 22 we are stuck in. It does feel impossible (for me to) to change, but the current situation (without change) is intolerable! It does seem like being caught between a rock and a hard place. There is no easy solution. Change will be hard at first. But, isn't your life hard anyway? So, one hard option (changing) could lead to happiness. The other hard option (leaving things the way they are), well you know how that feels and it's not fun either. Just keep trying different things. Expect it to be hard- but not impossible.