fear
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fear
| Fri, 08-11-2006 - 12:10am |
Not sure what I really want to say. In the past few weeks, the thoughts of suicide haven't been in the forefront of my mind, until tonight at least. Not that I am really suicidal at this point (altho it doesn't take much for me to be at that point). Whenever I find myself just totally overwhelmed with fear and dislike of myself, is when the thoughts that it would be better if I weren't around appear. It seems that my therapist may actually be getting the idea of how intensely I am afraid. I've also been noticing how much I really am not connecting with anyone. Yes I like to be around people, I LOVE my kids more than anything else in this world but I still keep them all at a distance. My kids have been allowed to be the closest to me but there are things that I realize I struggle with with them due to fear. Some days I end up having to visualize burying myself (inside myself) just to keep the anxiety and fear in check, am too afraid of it making things out of control for me, not sure if that makes any sense. I find myself being more verbal here and on other boards right now and even in emails to friends that I have pretty much avoided for awhile. I wish I knew how to really feel at ease, even if just a little. I hate being me! I really am just soo tired of struggling every single second of every single day, even while I am trying to sleep, it's a struggle. I just want to relax, I just want to feel comfortable and sometimes it seems as there is only one way to accomplish that. sorry again I don't know why I am writing and wasting space.
Sandra.
Sandra.

Hey Sandra,
Sandra.
"I don't feel like I deserve to post because I feel stupid and vulnerable and I don't make any sense."
That's what this board is for. It's not supposed to be the "Perfect People with Perfect Lives" board... right?
You do make sense. That is what severe anxiety feels like. It makes daily functioning very hard!
"Trying to break thru the fear seems impossible and is just way too big to just say I'm going to do this or that to try to overcome it."
That is the Catch 22 we are stuck in. It does feel impossible (for me to) to change, but the current situation (without change) is intolerable! It does seem like being caught between a rock and a hard place. There is no easy solution. Change will be hard at first. But, isn't your life hard anyway? So, one hard option (changing) could lead to happiness. The other hard option (leaving things the way they are), well you know how that feels and it's not fun either. Just keep trying different things. Expect it to be hard- but not impossible.