ikiru

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
ikiru
11
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 3:19pm

I'm not trying to be over dramatic with my title, I just couldn't think of anything to explain where I'm at. This is too long, so just feel free to skip it. Its just senseless ramblings and drivel written out to get these thoughts in order.

Ikiru-its a Kurasawa movie about a Japanese man who finds out he has cancer and is going to die and realizes he has wasted his life. It's maybe the only movie I can really relate to because it doesn't have some "It's a Wonderful Life" ending where everything works out okay. He really did waste his life. And so have I. Not for not trying, oh, I've tried. Tried and tried and tried to make a life for myself. At some point the trying no longer seems hopeful or resonable, just futile, often humiliating, and makes me feel stupid for believing anything would ever come of it. Brief periods of optimism become evidence of how truly pathetic I am, thinking I could accomplish anything. I hate every moment I'm awake.

I'm not a teenager who doesn't know there is still so much out there in front of them. I've been out there, gone past all those times when life was supposed to be full and everyone around me seems to eventually find some semblance of a life. But time and again I am the one left standing in musical chairs when the music stops and there aren't any more chairs left for me. In every book and every movie and even every person I know, except me, eventually things work out and the main characters are always "saved" from their miserable existence either by others (no one's going to come for me anymore) or through some effort of their own (I've made the effort over and over again, I can't do it anymore). I can't even read or watch movies anymore to take my mind off things because it ends up being just another sad reminder of how things seem to work out for everyone but me. Where are the stories of us sad people who go through life never getting much out of it until they are lonely old people who finally drop dead with nothing and nothing accomplished?

I'll be 40 in about 6 weeks. I've never experienced being in love. I've dated and had some short lived relationships but I always seem to be "filler" in someone else's life before they find what they are really looking for. I'm always plan B, or more likely plan C or D or "I've got no plans so I might as well make do with you". Just once I would like to know what its like to be a priority in someone's life.

All my friends have moved on in their lives in some form or another. Families (that's now out of the question for me)new careers (I've aplied for dozens and dozens of jobs in the past two years and never once got a call for an interview)new friends, and new opportunities. Everything I try to do to improve my circumstances in life falls apart, never materializes or ends up being a huge mistake. Even going back to school to earn a more useful degree (yeah, even messed up that choice) would be out of the question because I couldn't afford it and already have so much debt it will years before I ever pay it off.

Sure, I've got some family who love me. I should just be happy with that right? If that were only enough. They are kind and try not to say anything but I can tell they think I'm pathetic too. They stopped pushing me to improve my circumstances, they seem to be just as embarrassed by my lack of well, just about everything as I do. I keep thinking that in a few years they will be dead and then I can end things without hurting anybody. So no, I'm not planning on anything tonight or tomorrow, but sometimes I feel like I can't wait any longer for the timing to be right and want so desperately to just get it overwith now. I hate waking up to failure day after day after day. I guess thats the only thing keeping me from doing anything, causing pain or sadness to anybody. Not that I'm anything special that a whole bunch of people will miss or be sad for. Just my parents. They are old and I don't want their last days to be filled with troubles. And I wouldn't want them to have to deal with any aftermath. But I worry that one of these days that isn't going to be enough to stop me. Sometimes I just have to allow myself to fantasize about the time I will be free to make that choice just to get through the night.

I wish there were some kind of service offered that would take care of everything for you. Like some little booth you could go sit in and make selections, take care of any legal details, write out a will and mail notes to people for you if you felt there was something that need to be explained, find a home for your pets, inform your crediters, and then poof, you go, and any blood and mess is taken care of and no poor unsuspecting person has to come clean everything up or deal with having to call police or funeral homes or relatives. Of course, that would be the appropriate ending to my life wouldn't it, "here she is, trying one last time to solve her problems and all she can do is make a big mess".

I don't know why I'm even posting this here. Its one more lame and fruitless waste of time but its not like I have anything more important to do. One more failed attempt to move forward, something to occupying the endless hours I am awake, waiting until this "life" is over and I don't have to be here anymore.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
In reply to: leftovergirl
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 3:52pm
Hi I am sorry to hear you that bad I am like you enjoy moies a lot not that much either anymore I won't tell you much only to forget about the job kep what you and concentrate on your social life and if your parents love you enjoy everysecond with them move back with them just to be with them not only for the debt
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: leftovergirl
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:56am

Hi and welcome to the board... I must say your post title is certainly original and creative! I had no idea what it meant until I read the post! That said, I hope you will stick around and get to know us a bit... I think you'll find us a supportive group!


I have to say this is one of those times that I hesitate to answer a post(although I never intentionally ignore a post--it's my job to make everyone feel welcome here and "heard!")

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: leftovergirl
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 7:43pm

Hi Leftovergirl,

That movie sounds intersting. Are you Japanese? Just curious, not trying to be nosey.

Even though in the movie it turns out that Ikiru wasted his life, I believe there was at least one or two good things he must have done in his life that made a difference.

And I'm sure you have done things in your life that make a positive difference too, you just don't know it.

I don't think God or the higher power has the same priorities and standards that we do. How do we even know what the true point of life is, and whether or not we're getting it? For all you know, you could be doing awesome according to the true purpose of life (whatever that is.) For instance, what if the point of life turns out to be endurance? If that's the case, you've done great. What I'm trying to say is, leave it to God to judge your life, and just do your best with what you've got. I'm not a highly religious person, but those are my thoughts about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
In reply to: leftovergirl
Mon, 08-14-2006 - 10:42pm

Thank you for your responses. It was kind of you to take the trouble.

No, I'm not Japanese. Its just a movie I saw and felt connected to. My favorite movie used to be Marty with Ernest Borgnine. If you've never seen it, you should rent it. It used to make me really happy. I could just watch the scene where he punches the signpost (I'ts a happy scene) over and over. That's my favorite part. He doesn't say anything but you know exactly what he is thinking and how it makes him feel and you are so happy for him. I don't enjoy those kinds of movies anymore as you can see from my post.

I don't think I was trying to set up anyone to fail me when I wrote that. I was just writing what was on my mind and came out at the time, I wasn't really thinking about anyone else reading it. I just needed to sit down and occupy myself with something. Since its hard for me to concentrate on doing anything because I can't shut off any of these thoughts long enough, just digging into them was the only thing I felt I could do. It beats standing in the middle of my living room, crying, turning around in a circle trying to think of something to(figuratively)grasp onto. That's what I feel like right now, like I'm not attached to anything, that there is no substance to anything. And its not the cool feeling I imagine it would be like to be weightless in space like an Astronaut, it's a pretty awful feeling.

I took Welbutrin for five years for depression and severe anxiety but I don't anymore. I didn't even know I had anxiety. My apartment bedroom wall was next to the laundry room and the boiler and I thought the vibrations from that were making my bed shake at night and was hard to sleep. So one night I went to sleep on the couch on the other side of the apt and the couch was shaking too. Honestly, it didn't feel like it was coming from inside ME, if felt like I was being shaken from the outside. So much so that I went and got a bowl of water and set it on my bed to see if the water moved because I thought it just couldn't be me. When the water didn't move and I realized it really was me, I was sure I had something like Parkinson's. The doctor told me it was anxiety. Zoloft and Buspar both gave me horrible hives all over my body so we tried Welbutrin. It worked in a way. I no longer cried much or let things upset me so much on the outside, even my co-workers who didn't know I was on meds commented that I seemed less stressed out. But all the bad feelings were still in there. It was like someone had just poured them in a bowl like food and put some plastic wrap over them so I couldn't taste or smell them but they were still there where I could see them following me around. I don't like that feeling at all either. Its a different feeling but I'm not sure its better than the way I feel now, just different. Like having an ugly letter from someone in front of you, but it's in a foriegn language that you can't read so you don't know what its really all about, just that its bad, and the fact that it's there in front of you still bothers you.

I don't know. The whole idea of a support system, at least one of actual people in front of me that I actually know, is not something I'm comfortable with. People may offer you a shoulder or an ear a time or two if someone dies or you get dumped by a boyfriend and need to talk it out, but beyond that, you just seem like a whiner, and who wants to be around that? Especially if all your complaints are vague unhappiness with no tangible source. I guess that's why I posted here, to say this stuff and its out there, but no one is sitting there looking at me feeling oblagated to read it or feel sympathetic.

Ugh, this all seems too whiney anyway, even for an anonymous message board. Maybe tomorrow I'll have something better to say about things. Yesterday when I posted that was just an especially bad day.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: leftovergirl
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 9:39am

Hi leftovergirl,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: leftovergirl
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 1:31pm

One good thing I already noticed about you, you are a great writer and you have a way with words and metafors. Or is that similes? It's been so long since I was in school...

Keep posting and feel free to be honest. We don't have to impress each other here, we are here to get real. No one is judging you for your feelings becuase everyone here has been there or is still there right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2006
In reply to: leftovergirl
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 7:30pm

I seem to have a real knack for giving the wrong impression, and the whole lack of "tone" with text only thing doesn't help either does it.

Onceachild, no need for an apology. I didn't take your words that way; I knew what you meant. I was just trying to acknowledge what you said and explain where I was coming from. I can be a little "wordy" and sometimes have trouble getting to my point, but I don't mind at all hearing something straight out.

And thank you bluerains for the compliment. I guess I'm a visual person and I have to put thoughts into pictures to work everything out. Sometimes it makes sense or sounds good, sometimes it comes out just sounding silly and over the top.

I don't really know what to do with all this. Talking about things that are bothering me isn't something I'm really used to. I mean, after the intial venting to let off the pressure, where do you go from there? What is left to accomplish by talking after that? It's not like I have something "tangible" to talk through or find a solution for. If it were something like deciding between A or B, where you lay out the pros and cons of one thing over another and make a decision, then I would know how to approach an issue. Where I'm at now is all so vague. I don't even know what the A's and B's are, or if there are any.

Okay, this is a disturbing thought I have from time to time. It's NOT something I would ever ACTUALLY do. Not at all. But the thought pops up in my head sometimes and I don't really know what its all about. Because I often feel that lack of connection or attachment that I wrote about earlier, sometimes I find myself sitting around with all this stuff. Just the usual stuff everybody has, clothes, furniture, books, and pots and pans, the regular stuff that makes up a household. Then I get this feeling of real uncomfortableness (is that a word?) because the outside doesn't match my insides. I get this urge (maybe too strong a word)to just burn down my house and everything in it so there is nothing left. When I get this feeling I usually go on a purging bend and start throwing stuff out and making bags of stuff for Goodwill. Now I would never burn down my house, I'm depressed, not crazy! But I don't know what this is all about. Or is this something other people feeland it's not that weird? I don't know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: leftovergirl
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 10:53pm

Hey there,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
In reply to: leftovergirl
Tue, 08-15-2006 - 11:44pm

Oops, I didn't realize I had posted under another name. That was the name I've posted under before, on other boards about other stuff, and I picked a new one to talk about things here. New subject, new name. I guess I wan't paying attention.

Don't worry, I would never burn my house down. I like my pillows and blankets and air conditioning and creature comforts to much. I don't even like camping.

The thing about therapy is that, besides being a time and money issue, is I've never been comfortable with that idea for a number of reasons.

1) The idea of paying someone to sit there and listen to me seems weird. I have a friend who went and loved the idea of being able to pay someone for their undivided attention for an hour and having everything focused on her where she could say anything she wanted. I kind of think of it like here is this person, doing a job, like a waitress or tire salesman. They may like their job, but really, I'm just a customer, and are they just waiting til 5:00 like the rest of us, listening to me natter away, wondering what they're going to cook for dinner? It seems uncomfortable to talk about the kind of things you're supposed to talk about to someone who has no real vested interest in me beyond being someone who shows up as a customer, pays their money, and whatever it is you do in therapy.

2)Having no real personal experience with it myself, all I know are the ones you see on tv or hear on radio. They seem to be either of the Dr. Phil variety where they try and convince you that no one is to blame for your problems but you and once you realize that then you are on your way to fixing your problems. I already no know one else is to blame or is responsible for my problems. Or they seem to not tell you anything but give you the "well what do you think about that" response and get you to dig into how you feel about things. I already know how I feel about things.

I'm not trying to argue against it or be disagreable. Not at all. I'm just expressing the issues I have with it and welcome any information to the contrary or differing opinions.

I'm not sure how much venting helps beyond momentarily calming me down by focusing my attention and occupying my time for a bit. I suppose thats the purpose of venting. But after I'm done, I may not feel the intense pressure anymore, but it certainly doesn't make me feel less lonely. If anything I sit there thinking "now what?". As for making me feel re-assured, no, probably the opposite. It kind of brings everthing (the negative things that is) into very sharp focus. There they are, lined up in a neat little row. All the issues and problems and failures. That's one reason I don't want to go back and read any of my posts.

I think I've used up enough time and space for one night. Thanks for reading and responding and giving your kind advice. I've got a little dog, Jimmy, that I've had for about two months. My parents have been keeping him for a week now because I needed a break from someone needing me so much(though they think its because I needed to clean the carpet and get some stuff done). I think it did me good and made me appreciate him all the more and I go pick him up tomorrow. I think my mood and outlook will improve when we're together again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: leftovergirl
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 10:55am

Hi,


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