ikiru

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2006
ikiru
11
Sun, 08-13-2006 - 3:19pm

I'm not trying to be over dramatic with my title, I just couldn't think of anything to explain where I'm at. This is too long, so just feel free to skip it. Its just senseless ramblings and drivel written out to get these thoughts in order.

Ikiru-its a Kurasawa movie about a Japanese man who finds out he has cancer and is going to die and realizes he has wasted his life. It's maybe the only movie I can really relate to because it doesn't have some "It's a Wonderful Life" ending where everything works out okay. He really did waste his life. And so have I. Not for not trying, oh, I've tried. Tried and tried and tried to make a life for myself. At some point the trying no longer seems hopeful or resonable, just futile, often humiliating, and makes me feel stupid for believing anything would ever come of it. Brief periods of optimism become evidence of how truly pathetic I am, thinking I could accomplish anything. I hate every moment I'm awake.

I'm not a teenager who doesn't know there is still so much out there in front of them. I've been out there, gone past all those times when life was supposed to be full and everyone around me seems to eventually find some semblance of a life. But time and again I am the one left standing in musical chairs when the music stops and there aren't any more chairs left for me. In every book and every movie and even every person I know, except me, eventually things work out and the main characters are always "saved" from their miserable existence either by others (no one's going to come for me anymore) or through some effort of their own (I've made the effort over and over again, I can't do it anymore). I can't even read or watch movies anymore to take my mind off things because it ends up being just another sad reminder of how things seem to work out for everyone but me. Where are the stories of us sad people who go through life never getting much out of it until they are lonely old people who finally drop dead with nothing and nothing accomplished?

I'll be 40 in about 6 weeks. I've never experienced being in love. I've dated and had some short lived relationships but I always seem to be "filler" in someone else's life before they find what they are really looking for. I'm always plan B, or more likely plan C or D or "I've got no plans so I might as well make do with you". Just once I would like to know what its like to be a priority in someone's life.

All my friends have moved on in their lives in some form or another. Families (that's now out of the question for me)new careers (I've aplied for dozens and dozens of jobs in the past two years and never once got a call for an interview)new friends, and new opportunities. Everything I try to do to improve my circumstances in life falls apart, never materializes or ends up being a huge mistake. Even going back to school to earn a more useful degree (yeah, even messed up that choice) would be out of the question because I couldn't afford it and already have so much debt it will years before I ever pay it off.

Sure, I've got some family who love me. I should just be happy with that right? If that were only enough. They are kind and try not to say anything but I can tell they think I'm pathetic too. They stopped pushing me to improve my circumstances, they seem to be just as embarrassed by my lack of well, just about everything as I do. I keep thinking that in a few years they will be dead and then I can end things without hurting anybody. So no, I'm not planning on anything tonight or tomorrow, but sometimes I feel like I can't wait any longer for the timing to be right and want so desperately to just get it overwith now. I hate waking up to failure day after day after day. I guess thats the only thing keeping me from doing anything, causing pain or sadness to anybody. Not that I'm anything special that a whole bunch of people will miss or be sad for. Just my parents. They are old and I don't want their last days to be filled with troubles. And I wouldn't want them to have to deal with any aftermath. But I worry that one of these days that isn't going to be enough to stop me. Sometimes I just have to allow myself to fantasize about the time I will be free to make that choice just to get through the night.

I wish there were some kind of service offered that would take care of everything for you. Like some little booth you could go sit in and make selections, take care of any legal details, write out a will and mail notes to people for you if you felt there was something that need to be explained, find a home for your pets, inform your crediters, and then poof, you go, and any blood and mess is taken care of and no poor unsuspecting person has to come clean everything up or deal with having to call police or funeral homes or relatives. Of course, that would be the appropriate ending to my life wouldn't it, "here she is, trying one last time to solve her problems and all she can do is make a big mess".

I don't know why I'm even posting this here. Its one more lame and fruitless waste of time but its not like I have anything more important to do. One more failed attempt to move forward, something to occupying the endless hours I am awake, waiting until this "life" is over and I don't have to be here anymore.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: leftovergirl
Wed, 08-16-2006 - 12:37pm

I also go to the Goodwill on a regular basis and would like to get rid of most of our stuff. My reason is that I want to simplify life and be able to go on a moment's notice becuase I always feel like we may have to move, and it's actually true.

About therapy-
Yes they get paid. But, people get paid more doing other things like investment banking. Think about the kind of person who would rather get paid to listen to people...that type of person is probably more likely to care too. Of course, I'm biased too since I have a dream of having a social work career one day. But why? Becuase I like to listen. It stands to reason that someone who likes doing something will try harder to be good at it.

Also, a few spiritual healers I've gone to put it this way. They said, you have to pay becuase it means you are commited to putting the effort and you think you are worth it. They said if they give it away for free, people won't value it and will just do it for the heck of it... which would waste their time. Basically, paying for self help is a way of showing yourself you are worth it, and that alone is supposed to raise your sense of self worth and confidence. It sort of sounded fishy to me but I'll toss that out there.

Another role of therapists could be asking good questions or bringing up different ways of looking at things that you might not consider before. For instance, here is a question for you: Describe your ideal life that would make you happy. Then, you can think about how to get from point A to point B...

If you don't think therapy would help don't go! I'm not going now becuase I don't feel like it. But it's always an option.




Edited 8/16/2006 12:46 pm ET by bluerains

Pages