cant do this nymore.. trigs becareful

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Registered: 04-21-2003
cant do this nymore.. trigs becareful
9
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 11:24am
I have been trying to deal with this stupid depression and I am have been trying to do it on my own. At bed time all I think about is ways to end it and when I can do it. I am tired of being depressed and fat I am tired of always having to put on a happy face in order for ppl around me not to worry about me. the only reason I am here today is bc my dd is baby sitting and I cant get out of the house today. I dont want to do this anymore I am tired of fighting to live, I am tired of taking medicine when it doesnt help.
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 2:09pm

I hear you on that, life is hard and life is LONG. I never understand it when I hear people say, "Life is short." I think, "In what universe? Because I'm only 27 but I feel like I've lived for two hundred years already and I'm tired of it.

But I do remember a few posts that you wrote when you were happy. I hope you can hold on to those times but if you can't do it for yourself try to do it for your family who loves you.

You don't have to pretend or do it yourself either. It's such a hard struggle to do that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 08-23-2006 - 3:49pm

Hi Mary,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:23am
I had an emergency appt with my T yesterday bc I was so bad off, and we found out what triggered me and wow never expect that to happen, I went to a wedding Sat. to one of the girls I use to baby sit for and well all of my past came rushing back to me and now I have to try to deal with the abuse again I thought I dealt with it, but I guess I really didnt I just talked about it that is all. How do I deal with it I dont know bc I thought I did. I know that my weight has a big effect ont my moods and how I am feeling and I know I that my weight is in the normal, but I cant be within the normal I have to be below that, but also found out that I may want my body to look like a child, never thought about that either I dont think that is wat is going on but my T seems to think that way. All I know is that I have a lot to think about and when I try I get overwhelmed and even more depressed.
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 11:34am
thanks for the reminder and you are so true that life is so long but I guess we learn each day, and that we have dark days and bright days and hopefully soon we all can have those bright days.
I do have to put on a happy face for my family so then they dont worry about me bc I dont want them to worry about me at all.
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 3:47pm

Hey Mary,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:06pm
Blackice,
Hope you are feeling better, with at least some reasons to think about ... I feel like your post and the other posts are kind of shedding a little bit of light on why I was restricting my food and losing weight for the past 6 months, and having these suicidal thoughts, this all came about after I talked to my therapist about my SA episode which I hadn't talked about for many years. Compared to other people's mine was trivial but it was unusual because there were other kids watching so it impacted me a lot. Anyway thanks for sharing your feelings and thoughts and I truly hope that you can feel better as time passes, I can only offer my support.
allie
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Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 08-24-2006 - 10:56pm

Hey Allie,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:18am
thanks for your support, cant say too much dont want to trigger anyone but thanks.
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 1:28pm

Lori,
(Possible triggers)

That story about Tracie was really touching and sad. How old was Tracie when she died? It reminds me of my friend and former roomate, Natalie, who was the kindest, most beautiful girl and died at age 23. (She got hit by a drunk driver.) I'm glad you got your sign from Tracie. I bet you were thinking about her so much becuase you sensed her presence- perhaps she was checking up on you.