never ending..... trigs.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
never ending..... trigs.
5
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:27am

this post has Eating disorder behaviors and suicidal thoughts and SI. Caution

Just wanted you all to know that I am not doing any better rather I think I am worse I dialed the suicide hotline but hung up, I havent slept at all last night I have been up for well over 24 hrs and when I dont sleep it isnt a good thing, bc then I start planning things and all that other bad stuff. I am going to try to get rid of my kids today so I can have time to myself. I started to SI last night and stopped but I have had a cup of spaghetti in 24 hrs and I dont plan on eating anything at all today, I dont deserve to eat or be happy or even have wonderful kids as I do.

mary

Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 9:54am

Hi Mary,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:01pm
Well I have been trying to get in contact with my T but cant seem to reach her here real soon I am going to leave a voice mail I hate to do that tho when it is something this serious. I am also going to go over to a friends house and go for a walk to keep me safe.
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 12:40pm

Mary,

TRIGS as well in my response below...su, ed, sa...

careful...
..
..

I just wanted to say that I love you...and that you ARE deserving. I feel the SAME way you feel right now...I hate life, and being Bipolar...I hate the way that i look, because i am overweight...i used to not be...i hate the meds that don't ever work...i hate the life that i have that is never just one way...i'm either too up, or too down...never consistent...i hate the way that my sa comes back to haunt me in my head over and over again, though i supposedly dealt with it too...i hate the way that i am never really happy, though i should be...

We are here, though...on this earth for a reason. Maybe it was to meet each other, and to say, hey, there is someone else that's been through the SAME thing I went through...maybe its to care about each other, to have someone to lean on...I know exactly how you feel. I've also not been sleeping well...and we both know that can spell disaster for those of us with BP. I finally got something to help me sleep.

I don't want to give up, but its so hard, isn't it?

We have our kids because God gave us that gift...they are our salvation, and safety. Hold on to that when their is nothing else.

I know we are far away from each other, but I think of you often and I am here for you.

Feel free to come to the BP board and post away...lots of us are struggling right now over there...i dunno why...something in the air? the time of year? whatever it is, it sucks...

Just know you are never alone.

Love,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 2:09pm
thanks Keli but I honestly dont know if I am going to be around for a while I am going to go up and see my T and who knows she may put me in hospital I dont know but if she does I will have my best friend post here and on the BP board ok. you hang in there kiddo
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 08-25-2006 - 3:10pm

Mary,

I am soooooo proud of you for going to see your T...and for considering i/p...I've been in 8 times and it saved my life...each time...though i hated to go...you WILL be okay...know I'm praying for you here in FLA. Please have Marsha post and let me know you're safe, if you go in...

Love you,

Keli