Full circle-more whining... sorry, long
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| Thu, 08-31-2006 - 12:13am |
I knew I would be back here and feeling very down again, I just didn't realize it would be so soon. The past week and a half have been really rough.
My dog has an infection in both eyes so I've spent lots of money I don't have at the vet AND missed time at work so that makes my finances even worse. Its been a week on antibiotics and his eyes are still bothering him so I guess I will have to take him back again.
My A/C was broken from Friday until today and its been in the mid nineties with high humidity. Thats been really hard to deal with physically and because of other things, (see below) I was already emotionally a wreck. I've been sleeping on the floor in an empty apartment the complex let me use to sleep in and I've been having to go back and forth every day and trying to take care of my dog. I haven't had a good nights sleep in five days. The last two nights I just stayed at my place with the fan (It doesn't get below 80 overnight here) but I just wanted to be at home so bad.
Worst of all is Friday I called my friend to see if I could hang out at his place some and he told me he was moving that weekend. I couldn't believe that he didn't tell me. We're neighbors! He says he did but he's lying (I would have remembered that!)but can't figure out why he felt the need not to tell me, and makes me have all these doubts about myself. What about the last year has been genuine and what has been either my delusion about how things were or was he putting one over on me for whatever reason. How could I have been so stupid? I thought we were really close and the best of friends and now I realize I had way more invested in the friendship than he did despite all the things he said/says and feel like an idiot for investing so much time and feeling into that relationship. He hasn't even called me back since Friday to see how I or my dog are. Yeah, this is the friend that started (or I started over) the first downward spiral as "leftovergirl" because he is moving on with his life(without me) while my life is tanking. Its very hard to lose a friend and even harder when its at the time that you needed them the most. I never seem to have anyone I can really depend on when I need it. Friday night I felt so hurt and betrayed I spent the whole night crying while trying to get comfortable sleeping on the floor. How can someone tell me that I'm the most important person in their life and tell me I'm their best friend and then just drop me from their life?
I know all these problems are so trivial. Just looking at them here even I THINK logically that there is nothing to be so upset about and no real problems but I FEEL miserable and feel stupid and miserable for feeling so upset.
I started taking Welbutrin again today. I have some left over from when I quit a year ago. They are probably expired but I just don't feel up to going to the doctor for another prescription. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if she'll call one in.
Tomorrow they start tearing the sheetrock out of my bathroom which was ruined by the a/c problem. I wish something good would come along, at least something to look forward to for a while even if it doesn't pan out in the end. Its like even if things will eventually get better there is no escaping the real facts that things are going to get even worse(my house torn apart starting tomorrow, more vet bills this week, trying to start over and find new friends while broke and getting used to doing things alone again) before they can start to get better again if they ever do. I'm not sure if I can handle it. I can't even think what would make it better and I don't know how long I can take it.
Oh man, I just now realized as I was writing I was sitting on my uncapped pen and now I made a big blue ink stain on my couch and have ruined it...

Hi Marie,
You are not whining! I am so sorry that Jimmy has an eye infection, the poor creature! And I'm sorry you are stuck in the horrible heat! The summer will be over soon so I hope you won't have to deal with that much more!
You really deserve a break and some happiness, and I know you will get it sooner or later. Hopefully sooner.
That is thoughtless of your friend but don't assume it's you. He could just be so stressed over the move that his head was in the clouds. Still, that is pretty rude of him- what is wrong with people?
"I know all these problems are so trivial. Just looking at them here even I THINK logically that there is nothing to be so upset about and no real problems"
Why do you say that? They aren't trivial at all! Look, all problems are real. Don't minimize yours just becuase they are'nt the kind that would wind up on Oprah or the 5 o'clock news. I have the same type of problems, and let me tell you they're quite difficult and painful for me too. So, no more apologizing for your feelings, OK? Your feelings are valid and normal.
And I'm sorry your couch was ruined. One thing after another! Ack.
bluerains,
If you ever wonder if you're important or mean anything to anybody, don't wonder any longer. I wish I could give you a hug because your post was exactly what I needed to hear and made me feel a lot better!
I actually ran into my friend tonight and we had another misunderstanding, but it led to us both later texting each other and both saying we are not quite ourselves right now and he said that the move and everything it involved and everthing it means had him really stressed out and he was completely exhausted. He said he plans to come by and visit me this weekend. I think my emotional state has me taking everything everyone says and does too personally. I know a lot has to do with the fact I am so tired.
Later I was running an errand and ran into a couple of friends (who are also neighbors) and we sat around outside and had a couple of beers and had really great conversation. I guess I had forgotten that I really do have some great people in my life. I had a really good time, it was just relaxed and nice. I also had a good day with Jimmy, my dog.
I don't think I would have been in a good enough frame of mind to enjoy myself so much and relax for a change if I hadn't read your post when I got home. It just kind of poked a whole in this big unhappy stress filled balloon I've been dragging with me for the past week and let some of the pressure out.
I know all this is a process and there are going to be many good days and many really bad days. It helps to have people to try and keep things evened out and give perspective. Heaven knows a lot of our problems are caused by not being able to keep perspective.
Hi Marie,
(Possible major triggers.)
Aw, thank you so much, Marie! You made me feel so good. And I think I really needed to hear something like that, too.
I have had both major traumas (car accident, a dear friend dying young, my beloved grandma dying, and more) and smaller, day to day problems. And do you know what I think, I think the day to day problems are WORSE! Why? Becuase you actually have to take action and DO SOMETHING about them, ususally when you are so stresed out, you just want to go to sleep and stay there.
Sure, the big tramas are horrible, but usually they happen so fast, and are out of our control, and by the time it's over you usually can't even do anything about it even if you wanted to. But with financhial problems, relationship problems, friend problems, apartemnt problems, you HAVE to do something, and you can't wait until you're ready- you have to do it now or things will get much worse. It can be a hard thing to do for anyone.
So I don't like to hear people either minimizing their own problems OR on the other hand, going around saying they have it worse than someone else. Becuase really, no one has it easy in this world!
Anyway, I am so glad you had a better day yesterday, and again, thanks so much for your sweet message to me. By the way, is it OK if I call you Marie? I remembered you also posted under "rabbitmarie", and I liked the name.
Edited 9/1/2006 4:51 pm ET by bluerains
Marie is fine. I guess its a bit more positive than leftovergirl.
Things are going okay. Obviously not great or I would be somewhere else besides posting here. I'm still in that mini rollercoaster of emotions shifting between trying to let go and trying to hang on (I'm talking about my friend here). I was just so unprepared for the way things went that its still so raw.
First of all you are not allowed to complain or apologize for your concerns being "trivial". They are not trivial if they are important to you. They are your problems so what matters is how they affect you.
Wow I can't believe it's so hot. Sometimes I forget that we all experience different weather lol. Right now here it's about 16C (61F) at night and not much warmer during the day!
Sorry to hear about your dog and the financial pressures it has placed