New here and needing a friend

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
New here and needing a friend
22
Mon, 09-04-2006 - 11:30pm
I'm new here. I attempted suicide last October. It was the culmination of what's been happening to me over the past few years. I had some serious medical problems requiring many surgeries; I had some friends betray me; had an engagement break up; was forced out of a job I absolutely loved and was planning to retire from when I hit retirement age; suffering severe financial problems; and am in a relationship that I am not sure I want to be in anymore. I have no health insurance, so I had to go to a mental health agency that has a sliding fee scale (the only agency in my area). I loved my psychiatrist, but didn't like my counselor. The other counselors were booked at the times where I could get a ride to the agency. In order to see the psychiatrist, you also have to see a counselor. The counselor often dismissed my troubles as being trivial, that I shouldn't worry about other people only myself. She would never focus on the issues I really wanted to address. I worked so hard to get myself through college and start a successful career only to be forced out because I had gotten so sick. She kept telling me I have a good professional reputation (I often referred clients to the agency for treatment)and a job will happen for me. Other than my son, my job was my life and it seems, no matter how hard I try, I couldn't get hired anywhere. I've all but given up because I doubt my abilities and skills now. My family says my depression is my being lazy or feeling sorry for myself. I don't get a lot of support until I'm in a serious crisis. My bf also suffers from depression, but doesn't want to understand what I'm going through. He says
it's all an attitude problem and everything I've been through is all my fault. My two most trusted friends live 700 miles away, so it's difficult getting support from them. My boyfriend constantly reminds me that I don't have any friends except for 1 close by and she's really busy with her own life. Because of everything I've been through, I have a very difficult time trusting anyone enough to start another friendship. I go in with a good heart and the best of intentions and it seems I get dumped when someone else comes along. I just feel lonelier and lonelier by the day and it just seems like, other than my son, if I died no one would miss me. My son is the thing that's keeping me holding on, but I'm back down in the depths again and I'm not able to find my way up. The things I used to cope before aren't working anymore and it's just getting harder and harder. I just wish I had someone to talk to that wouldn't trivialize what I'm feeling and going through and who would just give me some comfort when I need it.
 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 8:32am
Hi Jen! this is Rosaura. I can totally relate to everything you are saying. It could have been me writing your post. You seem to have suffered a series of very disturbing incidents and how anyone can say that they are trivial is beyond me. See, unfortunately, bad things seem to come in clusters, almost as if one area in our lives influences every single other one and sometimes you feel like you have had enough. I have a similar story to yours, one fine day things started happening and every single area of my life was affected, my health, my professional life (lost my dream job), my love life (lost my dream man, twice), my friendships...you name it. I also attempted suicide (twice actually) and even though I am doing much better things are not any less of a mess than before. Being betrayed by friends is very brutal and it can hurt even more than a broken heart. It affects our trust and makes it very difficult for us to trust anyone at all. I am still struggling with this one. I also know however that sometimes we need to take chances with people and that the time will come when we will be rewarded for them. Of course there is a chance that the risk will not pay off but we keep on trying. I am also on the same boat as you. I have had some pretty horrible experiences with friends the past two years and nothing is the same. The handful of really precious people for me all live in a different country so they can not be there for me properly. Maybe the best policy would be to reach out to people but to not give everything from the beginning. Let them earn your trust, but give them a chance to do that. I promise it will be worth it.
Don't allow those people who have no idea what is going through your head convince you that you are just being "lazy" or that this is in any way your fault. Depression is a medical condition and just as people can not blame you for catching a cold they can certainly not blame you for this! Gee, sometimes I wonder if people think that we actually enjoy being miserable! You have good reasons to be upset. But you can either give in or fight and take some action to improve your life any way you can! You can view it as a little project. Start a hobby (excellent way to meet like minded people), invest in your relationship with your husband, focus on what is good in your life! You have a son, that alone is a pretty big deal to me! Network and use this time to enhance you qualifications. Accept that this may take a little longer than you thought but if you give up now then it will certainly never happen at all. The economy is in a pretty bad shape and you are not alone when it comes to facing this problem.It doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you as a professional. And be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself and try to look at life as worth living. Your kid deserves to have you near. You can also use these boards to vent. They are really helpful and the people here are wonderful. I hope you are going to feel better soon!
Take care
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 12:00pm
Thank you so much for your caring Rosaura. Sometimes I feel like I have no one in the world who cares about what I go through. I'm finding things today to distract myself, focusing on my son and my two cats. I thought long and hard about them and where they would be without me around. I went and watched my son while he slept last night and things seemed to go back into perspective. I'm still very depressed, but I have a clearer mind today.
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 1:43pm
Hi Jen. I am sorry to hear you are still feeling depressed but at least you are feeling better! That is something! Anyway, what I wanted to stress out is that these boards are full of really special people who care and you will be able to get a lot of support. Unfortunately human contact is not quite an easy affair at all. I can totally relate to your feelings of loneliness. I am stuck in a foreign country and literally have no friends at all, just acquantances. All my friends are way too far and some days I can feel the isolation in my bones but giving up is never the answer. You got a good incentive! your son (and the cats) some people don't even have that! If there is any way at all you can improve your life (even if it takes some time) you owe it to yourself and your family to give it a go! Let us know how you are doing
Hugs for you
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 1:45pm

Hi and welcome to the board! I'm glad you found us--but more importantly, glad you found the courage to share your pain because even though it sounds cliche, sharing a burden really does make it seem lighter and more bearable!


Rosaura gave you some good advice/support...and you will find others here who can--at least in some ways--identify with your story as well. I am one of them. Although I am now a cl (community leader) on this board, it took me a very long time to get where I am today...


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 1:54pm

Thank you so much for listening when I was having a really bad, bad time. I suffer from major depression. I'm going to feel sad a lot of the time, but when it combines with loneliness is when I have a really difficult time. That's when I really start melting down. If you ever want to chat, send me an email through my profile and we can figure out what messengers we both have. I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely being so far away from home. You have someone here to talk to if you would like to talk :D

Thank you for being there.

Jennie

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 2:12pm

Thank you so much for your care and support Lori. I'm thinking about calling the agency again and getting an appointment with the psychiatrist. I think he may be able to help me out with the counselor situation. I am so much better at writing out what bothers me than actually verbalizing what's bothering me. I think I sound like a blithering idiot when I try to verbalize everything that is bothering me. I was in a helping profession--community corrections and then I did sexual assault/domestic violence advocacy for a little while. It's always been easier for me to help others find solutions to their problems than it is for me to find solutions to my own. My bf has his own issues with depression, but unfortunately he's not very supportive until I go into a major meltdown and am not coping at all. He's not one to discuss thoughts and feelings with. I hang in there though because,even though he's not very supportive, he does a lot of good things for both me and my son. My son is 5 1/2. He starts kindergarten tomorrow. He's the thing that keeps me from going over the edge completely.

Thank you Lori for being there for me :)

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 2:59pm
Thanks for your kind words. As I said I can relate to what you are going through. If you need to get in touch with me you can reach me by e-mail at rosaura_gata@yahoo.co.uk Hope it helps a bit. I would love to chat some day too although I am not sure how to do that (bit of a computer illiterate I am afraid). Feel free to mail me. and keep coming back here! It helps a lot!
hugs
Rosaura
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 3:54pm
Thanks Rosaura. I just sent you an email with my email address :)
 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 5:00pm

Hi Jennie,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Tue, 09-05-2006 - 9:11pm

My little boy is nervous and excited all at the same time. BF and I talked to him about the rules for school, gave him a bath, packed his lunch, and picked his clothes out for tomorrow.

As for my job. I was doing specialized work. Doing the kind of work I did meant a guaranteed promotion after a certain period of time and there were only a certain number of titles. My supervisor was so worried because she wanted to be more popular with the men in the office. I know this sounds ridiculous, but it was true. When I got back to work, she took the caseload from me and gave it to someone else. I got his caseload and because he was able to fly under the radar so long, the caseload was a total mess. I asked the supervisor for 1 month without court or field work. She told me no and gave me two weeks (while doing field and court work) to get the caseload staightened out. I talked to the union about this and they were very slow to act. After the two weeks were up, she began writing me up (I'd been there for 13 years with a perfect record). She began hovering over me like I didn't know what I was doing (forgetting I had trained every new employee in the office, including her when she started). Every week I was there, I was getting written up. For example, one week someone had hidden all my court files and all my notes I had prepared for court. I found out who did it and in a rational and reasonable way, confronted this person (come to find out it was the person I'd try to help with a drinking problem). He began tossing obscenities at me, but I managed to keep my composure. Who got written up in this incident? I did and only I did. It was just things like this that continued on and on until I had 25 write ups. The union was still very slow in assisting me and I was facing a 90 day suspension. In the meantime, I was extremely stressed out for her hawking over me and everything else going on there that I really could no longer do my work. I was starting to get sick again with my kidneys and went out on leave. I was on leave for two weeks and after a lot of thought and soul searching, I felt it was better that I quit with a perfect record. I didn't have the strength to stay and continue fighting. After I quit, the union was going to file a lawsuit on my behalf but they never did anything. I loved the job and had planned to retire from there. I really didn't begin getting depressed about the job until I starting job hunting. I had so many refusals. I was either over qualified or I made too much money at my previous job and they feared I would leave for a higher paying job. I explained to them that I wasn't in this field to make big bucks. I found the work rewarding and would do it for free if I didn't have bills. I explained to them that I had perfect performance evaluations (luckily through all the problems, there was no evaluation period) all the years I worked at my previous job and took pride in my work. All my interviews but one were positive (I applied for a job outside of my area of expertise and wasn't comfortable during the interview). The more rejections I got, the more I doubted my abilities, the more I lost confidence.

On a happier note, BF and I had a really good talk today. No anger, no insults. We told each other what we felt and how the things we say and do make us feel. We're going to work on our problems and I am going back to see the psychiatrist and try to get another counselor. I am calling tomorrow for an appointment.

I am so grateful for your support and your help. I'm just keeping it in my head that tomorrow is going to be a better day and there are people like you and others on this board who care.

 

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