New here and needing a friend
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New here and needing a friend
| Mon, 09-04-2006 - 11:30pm |
I'm new here. I attempted suicide last October. It was the culmination of what's been happening to me over the past few years. I had some serious medical problems requiring many surgeries; I had some friends betray me; had an engagement break up; was forced out of a job I absolutely loved and was planning to retire from when I hit retirement age; suffering severe financial problems; and am in a relationship that I am not sure I want to be in anymore. I have no health insurance, so I had to go to a mental health agency that has a sliding fee scale (the only agency in my area). I loved my psychiatrist, but didn't like my counselor. The other counselors were booked at the times where I could get a ride to the agency. In order to see the psychiatrist, you also have to see a counselor. The counselor often dismissed my troubles as being trivial, that I shouldn't worry about other people only myself. She would never focus on the issues I really wanted to address. I worked so hard to get myself through college and start a successful career only to be forced out because I had gotten so sick. She kept telling me I have a good professional reputation (I often referred clients to the agency for treatment)and a job will happen for me. Other than my son, my job was my life and it seems, no matter how hard I try, I couldn't get hired anywhere. I've all but given up because I doubt my abilities and skills now. My family says my depression is my being lazy or feeling sorry for myself. I don't get a lot of support until I'm in a serious crisis. My bf also suffers from depression, but doesn't want to understand what I'm going through. He says
it's all an attitude problem and everything I've been through is all my fault. My two most trusted friends live 700 miles away, so it's difficult getting support from them. My boyfriend constantly reminds me that I don't have any friends except for 1 close by and she's really busy with her own life. Because of everything I've been through, I have a very difficult time trusting anyone enough to start another friendship. I go in with a good heart and the best of intentions and it seems I get dumped when someone else comes along. I just feel lonelier and lonelier by the day and it just seems like, other than my son, if I died no one would miss me. My son is the thing that's keeping me holding on, but I'm back down in the depths again and I'm not able to find my way up. The things I used to cope before aren't working anymore and it's just getting harder and harder. I just wish I had someone to talk to that wouldn't trivialize what I'm feeling and going through and who would just give me some comfort when I need it.
it's all an attitude problem and everything I've been through is all my fault. My two most trusted friends live 700 miles away, so it's difficult getting support from them. My boyfriend constantly reminds me that I don't have any friends except for 1 close by and she's really busy with her own life. Because of everything I've been through, I have a very difficult time trusting anyone enough to start another friendship. I go in with a good heart and the best of intentions and it seems I get dumped when someone else comes along. I just feel lonelier and lonelier by the day and it just seems like, other than my son, if I died no one would miss me. My son is the thing that's keeping me holding on, but I'm back down in the depths again and I'm not able to find my way up. The things I used to cope before aren't working anymore and it's just getting harder and harder. I just wish I had someone to talk to that wouldn't trivialize what I'm feeling and going through and who would just give me some comfort when I need it.

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Hi there,
Hugs
Allie
Welcome to the board.
I'm sorry to hear of all the difficulties you've been having.
It's awful that the counsellor would dismiss your concerns as trivial. I don't think that any counsellor should ever say that. Are you still seeing this counsellor? You can always request to speak to someone else if they are available.
I'm sorry to hear that your family is not supportive. People often just don't understand that we can't wish ourselves better or "snap out of it". I have to say I'm also guilty of beating myself up for the same thing...saying to myself when I'm depressed I'm just being lazy. That's awful I know. How will I ever fight to end the stigma of mental illness if I am biased against it by society myself?
Interesting that your bf has depression and can't understand what you are going for. I know that we are unique individuals and our experiences vary widely, but there has got to be some common ground, some aspect of the illness that you share. The only suggestion I have for dealing with your bf is keep the lines of communication open (and ask him to do the same) and then try to let him now how you feel as precisely as possible. I don't know if that will do you any good but it may be worth a try.
I'm glad you've got your son to keep you hear. And you've got these boards, use them as much as you need to to stay safe. Also if you don't already have one, get a list/make a list of crisis numbers and social agencies in your area.
Well I hope at least something in my post has been helpful.
Thank you so much for your kind words Amanda. I'm no longer seeing the counselor. I just got tired of trying to make the effort to get something out of counseling and some tools to help me cope on a daily basis and coming out of sessions feeling a lot worse than before I went in. I think my bf's reactions to my depression stem from his really good friend's depression. She is basically paralyzed by it. She sleeps most of the time and only leaves the house when it's absolutely necessary. He is always telling me he doesn't want me to end up like her. At my worst, I wouldn't get dressed or leave the house, but that was before my diagnosis. Now, I get up every morning, shower and dress, get my son ready for school, and walk 1 1/2 miles to and from his school. I try to find things to do during the day, so I don't give in to the fatigue that comes from my depression. My BF's depressive symptoms are totally different than mine--he tends to withdraw and suffers from severe insomnia. He just doesn't want to be bothered by anyone when he goes through an episode. I, on the other hand, I tend to get more emotional and sleep a lot. My BF and I have began talking more about our feelings and what we each go through when we are depressed. I'm hoping that pattern continues. Thank you so much for your caring and support, Amanda.
Jennie
Good to hear that you are pushing yourself to keep up a routine. The sense of accomplishment at getting things done can help lighten the mood, if only a little.
Without going to counselling there is still things you can do. I believe there is a really good depression or depression & anxiety workbook out there. Another exercise that I did in my CBT group was as follows
Situation
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