Cry for help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
Cry for help
9
Mon, 09-11-2006 - 11:54pm

I don't think I can go on. I posted to the abuse board 3 days ago, however after becoming and being aware of how badly I have been abuse, I can't stand it.

I feel like im in a downward spiral, I don't want to go on everything is so confusing, I hate myself, I feel like trash, how could I have let things happen all these years. I must have been stupid.

It all started subtly verbal, emotional abuse, than 2 years ago, the physical started at first it was grabbing, than physically restraining me leaving me bruises. hitting me, but where no one could see. He always said he loved me and was sorry, then he would love me like I was a princess. I never knew if I was happy or mad, I never knew if what I said would make him explode or he would be happy.

Then about 6 months ago the episodes in the bedroom started. First he would say if you love me you will do this to please me all wives do. I do love you him!!! At first it was uncomortable but I would pretend it was okay. I had to to go on.

Then this week he left me with bruises yesterday, and I hurt physically, I think he went to far because I started bleeding for the first time, after having sex with him. He said all other wives know how to please their husband. But it felt so awful, all I could do was scream, he came to me from behind, I felt like I was being torn apart. He said I loved it and wanted more. Then he threw me on the table put some object in my behind, I could feel I was bleeding,, I couldn't stop crying, than he took me by force from the front, just when I thought I couldn't stand it he pulled the object and I felt the inside of me was going to explode from the pain. I just fell into a heap in the bathroom, I can't believe it's happening to me. Why would he hurt me?

I'm can still barely walk, but all I do is cry, I didn't get out of bed, for the first day. I hate who I am and I hate everyting. I cann't go out because I feel llike everyone can see right through me.

please listen I feel alone and worthless right now. The event just keeps playing out in my head it's doesn't stop....

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
In reply to: armyleo
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 9:31am

You are not worthless and you are not stupid. None of the abuse is your fault and you are not alone. What is happening to you is not your fault and you are not "allowing" this to happen to you. Your husband is the one who is having the problems. Domestic violence happens when one partner is feeling the need for power and control. He has put you into a position where you are not really able to fight back: emotional; financial; isolation from family and friends; need for love and security; fear of being alone, losing material possessions, or children; etc. There are so many reasons he has made you feel like you must stay. There is no equality in your home. He's got the power right now and has made you feel powerless. The most important thing you should do right now is seek medical attention for your injuries. You may have suffered some serious injuries from the assault. Do you have a safe place where you can go? Contact your local Women's Center or Rape Crisis center. Someone is always there 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. You meet all the criteria for shelter services and they can help you find a safe place to go. The most important thing is your safety and your feeling of safety. If you are not ready to leave just yet, there is someone there you can talk to just to get you through this time. Gather some clothes and your important documents (birth cerificates, driver's license, social security card, children's records, etc.)and whatever cash you have available. The Women's center can also help you to obtain a restraining order or protection from abuse order and will assist you in legal matters. If you don't feel you can leave, call your local police department to obtain a restraining order. You need to do things to ensure your safety. Please remember, you are not stupid and worthless. None of this is your fault and your should not feel like you caused any of this. You did not. Please take the first and hardest step and get a restraining order. Your safety is the most important. Sending care and thoughts to you.

Jennie

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: armyleo
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 10:34am

Hi and welcome to the board... I'm so glad you found us!


I have to tell you my heart aches for you! And I'm so proud of you for having the courage to reach out for help! But what I'm asking you now is to trust me on what I'm about to suggest. Why? Well, for several reasons.... Because I care about your physical wellbeing and I feel your life is potentially at risk, because I myself was sexually abused for many years (not in a marriage but as a child and continuing on into early adulthood) and because I also have professional knowledge of these issues (I'm not a therapist here however although I do have degrees in the field.)


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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
In reply to: armyleo
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:17am

Hi and welcome,


We're glad you've found this wonderful community!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
In reply to: armyleo
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 11:46am

I don't have anyone to tell,I don't have friends around here any more. I can't tell my family, I couldn't face them.

I don't want anyone looking at me. If I went anywhere everyone would ask questions. I don't think I can do that it's too scarry, I dont' think you know how crippling my fear is.

I don't want him in trouble, he said he was sorry. I think he just went to far, I don't think he will do it again.

I just want him to go away and leave me alone and not touch me!!!!

If I call a hot line, I don't want anyone coming after him. I can't reach out and call I feel like no one is going to believe me they will think it's all my fault. Like somehow it was me who provoked him. Years ago, I told a pastor at a church, he wasn't as rough then, just a few bruises. I was told, that I needed to go back and figure out what was missing from me being a godly wife. I went back to him, did everyting he asked, yet it still happened. I tried very hard. I felt like I was always walking on eggshells. I did everything he wants, so he couldd be happy, that would make me happy. Since then I haven't told anyone or gone back to church.

Please I just want the emotional pain to go away. Sometimes, I wonder what it will be like if I were to end it all. Then I can have peace.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2006
In reply to: armyleo
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 12:00pm

You keep telling me it's not my fault, but I keep relieving in my head, what I should have done different. I made hime upset, he tells me I I would just listen and do what he said things would not happen. Sometimes, I feel crazy, he tells me one thing and 10 minutes later he yells and gets mad at me for doing what he wants. Then he tells me I didn't pay attention to what he said the first time.

Tells me I'm stupid and can't amount to anythingk, where would I be if it wasn't for him. Do you know what it's like constantly being called trailer trash.

He said I can't make it on my own. don't even try because no one will believe me.

I can't go to anyone I feel so dirty and ashamed. When things get better and I don't feel so trashy and use, maybe I will get the guts to ask for help.

I still hurt physically, he said it was my fault, that any wife, would not have fought him then I would not have been hurt. I was too scared, I panicked. but emotionally the pain is worse, I know i'm rambling now but i need to know there is someone out there

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
In reply to: armyleo
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 1:45pm
I'd say GET OUT NOW! You deserve better than that. I know you think you love him, but if he truly loved you he wouldn't do that. Don't think you can change him. People like that rarely change. It is often a cycle of violence passed down through generations (His parents probably treated him this way and he inturn will model that behaviour towards his kids, or even direct the abuse to them).

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: armyleo
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 1:51pm

Hi there,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
In reply to: armyleo
Tue, 09-12-2006 - 9:25pm
Armyleo my heart goes out to you. I think people have giving you great advice. I just wanted to say you are not alone and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. (((hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
In reply to: armyleo
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 5:53am
It is absolutely, positively no way your fault. He would have been angry with you no matter what you would have done for him. He forced you to do things you did not want to do. There is no reciprocity in your relationship. It's about his power, otherwise he wouldn't do whatever he wants to do to you. He is so wrong telling any wife wouldn't have fought back. He was physically and emotionally injuring you. That's more reason to fight back. Men who are not troubled do not hurt the women they are with. You are not trashy. You are not stupid. You are not crazy. You have great value. Your feelings of shame and feeling dirty are very common after being sexually traumatized by someone you love and had trust in. People will believe you. People will help you. You've taken a HUGE step by posting here, now there are other steps you have to take. To be blunt, if he kills you or permanently maims you, it's going to be too late. Please, at least call someone who can help you.