Just a long thought,,,,,,,

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Just a long thought,,,,,,,
3
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 5:56pm
Hello,,,,I was reading some of the posts here and how it hurts my heart to know there seems to just be so many of us who struggle to find contentment and happiness. It bothers me even more reading about other people's pain than my own because I just wish I could 'make it all better' for them. I think maybe, just realizing and finally coming to grips with the fact that we suffer with depression and other things that just hurt so bad,,,,and we after maybe after so many years of fighting off the need for help,,,,,well we just finally 'give in' to it and decide we can't carry this load alone anymore,,,,that maybe,,,hopefully with the help of professionals,,,and medication if it is prescribed,,,we can maybe,,,,maybe lift some of the pain, the hurt, the frustration, the anguish off our so very weary shoulders and transfer some of it to someone else who wants to help us crawl out of the dark hole we have fallen into. I'm not trying to sound overly metaphoric here,,,,but it is how I perceive how I feel. I've run out of fingers and toes for how many times I wished I was dead because I all I wanted was the 'escape' from the 'everythings' that were blackening my days. I've been through an extremely rough and cruel year,,,,,years before were bad too but this one just kept dishing out anguish after anguish for me. I'm seeing a psych doc who I am slowly beginning to put my trust into,,,,,how hard it is to do that,,,,and I think he may even genuinely care about my wellbeing. I've been on anti-depressants and other meds and unfortunately they are not helping me enough and my doctor is going to slowly introduce me to higher doses and differnet ones. It frightens me that he feels that I need to increase my meds as opposed to decreasing them,,,,and I am struggling a lot regarding that. I do however need to sometimes shake off those 'bad thoughts' and not think of my pain alone,,,,,I must constantly remind myself of the pain of such magnitude that I would leave in the hearts of my children, husband and family if I did follow through with the plans that seep through my thoughts. People have told me how they view SU as such a selfish act,,,,but those of us who have dropped to the level of not being able to see anything but despair
in an otherwise clear world cannot understand the logic in that.
I don't really know why I am writing all of this right now,,,,maybe I am trying to talk to myself and tell myself to believe what I am attempting to portray to others ? Life for some is nothing more than a soft Summer breeze that does nothing more than gently lift their curls from around their faces,,,,,,,,while for some it seems to be an imending drive of icy needle-like stabs from a cruel unrelenting storm. For those of us who still struggle,,,,,and for those who have fought and overcome the consuming thoughts and crusaded and won over them,,,,,,well,,,,I just send you my strength, my understanding and my prayers. Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 6:25pm

Hey Abby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
Wed, 09-13-2006 - 9:52pm
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Abby! You explained exactly how I feel. I think it is great that you are seeking help and willing to do what it takes to help you feel better. I wish you the best.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 09-14-2006 - 12:34pm

Abby,


We all want to "make it go away" for others. We tend to minimize our own struggles and ignore the things it takes to provide for your wellbeing. Generally it seems (although I haven't researched it for scientific proof) that those with mental illness or issues in their lives are very empathetic toward others. We tend to put the needs of others before our own.


So, I want you to take a day this week just for you. Give yourself a manicure and pedicure, listen to your favourite songs, dance around the living room, go our and walk through your favourite park, go shopping, etc.


Sorry to hear that the rough year you've been having but glad that you found a pdoc that you are beginning to trust.


You are in my thoughts and prayers too.

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Amanda