Long time no see...(poss trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Long time no see...(poss trigs)
5
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 1:13am

Hi...it's been a really long time...hope you all are OK! I have mostly been doing very well...too much has happened to catch up on everything, but I've been doing my clinical rotations in the hospital for a while now. (I think I may change my user name here at some point because I'm worried about someone recognizing me, but I'll let you know). I've been on Buspar for anxiety, and that has helped a lot with letting me be able to function in dealing with people...and I've actually enjoyed it most of the time.

I even canceled my most recent appointment with my pdoc because I thought we had nothing to talk about (plus it is so hard to get time off, and I find my pdoc condescending anyway!). I've only had one appointment with my therapist in the last several months because I've been scared to ask for the time off...that's not so great, though.

But I've been having some physical problems and maybe figuring out what they could be... for a while I was exhausted, losing weight, hair falling out, joints hurting...and my blood tests came back suggesting "possible" lupus. I've been seeing a rheumatologist, but she hasn't wanted to put me on any meds for that because I don't have a lot of visible signs of the disease (fatigue is hard to measure, I guess)...

So I started doing a little better recently even without meds...but by the end of each week, I'm back to the old exhaustion and pain (I slept 15 hours of the past 24...overslept)...and I start my "harder" hours of work next week, so I'm not sure how this will go...not well, I am imagining.

Anyway...it has been amazing how well I've been doing depression-wise til just now. I've always felt worse in that PMS/PMDD time, and this past one had me crying randomly for a day or two. But now that's been over...and I'm still having problems.

Yesterday was a sad day at work, and I guess I'm not used to dealing with that yet...several moms-to-be got bad news about their babies...and I kept wanting to cry, but of course couldn't while in the room with them...so that's probably built up too.

But regardless, the most worrisome has been these images...hard to describe...but what I used to have a problem with when I was really depressed. I guess I got triggered by a fictional TV show...don't want to give too much detail and cause anyone else problems... but since then my mind keeps replaying that particular gruesome scene on almost a constant loop...and in this sick way, wishing it were me that was dying.

Also, I had another health scare recently...I had a brain scan and was told I might have a small aneurysm of one of my arteries. Just recently I got a more detailed scan, and it came back completely normal...should have been a relief...but in some way, it wasn't. I guess you probably know what I mean.

So I'm never really sure what to do when this just sets in...I'm definitely not ready to call up my pdoc since this just started...but it is already affecting my motivation and everything. (Plus as I said, I don't really like my pdoc, but I don't have many other options...my last therapy session was mainly about my issues with her, which I don't think are a big deal in the scheme of things, but anyway...).

So thanks for listening to this long update...I've read a few of the recent posts here, and I hope everyone is doing well too.

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 09-22-2006 - 12:55pm

Hi Rose,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 1:02am

Thanks, Lori...I hope you're doing well too. I have started worrying that things are headed downhill again, though...I've already been too exhausted even to take a shower every day, which I know is gross. And the images of harming myself have seemed to start coming up in my mind all of a sudden, and now more of the time.

I've just been getting these horrible triggering urges that I have to actively try to resist...and I don't know why this has started right now. I want to try to figure out how to stop it before it gets any worse, but I guess there isn't really any specific way to do that...

I do have this whole weekend off (though I have some reading to catch up on), but I usually spend most of the weekends sleeping...I should probably get out some more, though.

Hope you have a good one,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sat, 09-23-2006 - 11:51am
Hi Rose,,,,like Lori said it is nice to hear from you again. Nice also to read that you are doing better. I too was on Buspar but not for long as its side-effects and I just couldn't get along,,,*smile*
You mentioned you are having those urges again. I don't know,,, but maybe for some of us, those 'urges' may always be there in the corners of our mind. I try to hope that we will one day be able to get stronger than they are and not have them come into the forefront of our thoughts. I hope you are able to get out and do something or go somewhere this weekend Rose,,,,again from experience I found isolating myself ( as hard as it can be to make myself do something somedays ),,,,,it only makes my day harder to get through because I haven't anything new to think about that may distract those thoughts we try not to have. Please take good care,,,,,Hugz Abby
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 09-24-2006 - 11:21pm

Thanks so much, Abby...it was comforting in a way to hear that I'm not the only one whose mind seems to hang on to those urges...though of course I wish they would go away for good for both of us! I did get out some this weekend...well, a little bit...and I think that did help some. (Except one thing I did was try to go jogging, and that only made the physical pain I've had worse...that was my own fault, though!).

Even when I'm not having those thoughts, though, I seem to be feeling more and more down lately. I don't know if it's from more practical things, like seeing a few sad things at work, or even on the news...or feeling overwhelmed by just having to try to function normally every day when I always wake up exhausted and in pain...just always a struggle.

But I'm having that thing I used to get when I am near tears constantly...and can hardly hold them back even when I'm talking to people. Hopefully I can get myself under control at least a little by tomorrow...but I have a feeling it's only going to get more stressful.

Sorry to spend all this time and typing space whining...are you doing OK yourself? Thanks for listening to me vent,

Rose

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 09-25-2006 - 7:23am
Hey Rose,,,,good to hear back from you :o) ,,, and not once did the idea that you were
'whining' cross my mind as I read what you wrote,,,in fact I thought,,,wow she tried to go jogging,,,made me feel lazy,,,ha ha.
I needed to just add because you wrote how you are feeling on the verge of tears, even when talking to people. Oh I get soooooooo like that too ! I have figured out it is my body needing me to cry, you know release all that built-up emotion and when I've fought to keep it in everyday it is coming up on me even at times I wish it wouldn't. Up to you Rose but maybe try to allow yourself a good cry? Not always easy but I can watch a movie that sets me off and well the tears just come and I honestly feel better afterwards. Just a thought. Hoping this day was good to you,,,,,,TC,,,,Abby