wat the flip... trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
wat the flip... trigs
4
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:00pm
it is only me again I am so confused on my feeling and why I am the way I am I hate myself so much I want to die but then again I want to live why cant I just do it and get everyones suffering over with. Nothing helps me I am a worthless cause I take medicine that doesnt work, the doc says I am this or that and gives me medicine which doesnt work, I am a horrible friend sister mother wife. I dont want ppl to care about me but then again I do, all I do is hurt ppl. I have called my T but I keep hanging up I have a hard time calling her and asking for help. I am now taking diet pills and I know that it doesnt help my moods at all. I keep typing things but deleting them bc I dont know what to say. I have every emotion there is all at once and I am confused. Wat am I to do where do I go. I dont want to trust ppl but then again I do trust ppl and most of the time I trust the wrong ppl, there is one person other then my family that I can truely say I love and that is my best friend who I call my sister and all I have been doing is driving her away from me, I dont kow why all I want to do is hurt myself that is all I think about, even on my good days I still have thoughts of harming myself. So you tell me why do I stick around when it is best for everyone around me.
Mary
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:25pm

Hey Mo,

I also emailed ya but anyhoo-- You need to stop those diet pills, you know that they make your moods go wacky and make things worse!! Did you call your doctor yet about changing your meds?? You shouldnt hesitate to call Lisa, you know she wants you to call... remember your deal with her you just made about calling??? luv ya sis!!

Marsha 

mommy to Rylee Elizabeth 4/12/2005 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 3:30pm

Mary...you are in a "mixed" state right now...which means you are both manic and depressed at the same time...its a dangerous state, and is why you feel the way you do.

You also see that hope out there...you can SEE it...just can't get to it right yet...YOU WILL...i promise.

PLEASE call your tdoc...okay? She does care about you...

ALSO: the diet pills are causing everything to go all whacked...i was addicted to them for years and YEARS! I finally realized I had to stop them. I am so much more stable now without them...

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 6:31pm

Hey Mary,


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Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-27-2006 - 9:23pm
I can relate to how you feel not wanting to call the therapist. I am the same way. I never called. It seems odd to call for help when you aren't sure you want it. That's what would stop me. But now that I am feeling better, I realize that there were times when I should have called. What's wrong with calling? Nobody will judge you or think badly about you for doing it. There is no downside to calling. Please reach out for help. I always had "rescue" fantasies that somebody would "rescue" me from my black moods and in a funny way several people did, in small ways that touched me, like noticing that I wasn't eating and asking if I didn't like my food. Then I realized that I had to rescue myself. Even though I didn't really feel like it. I had to rescue myself. You need to rescue yourself. YOU ARE WORTH IT. From your posts that I have read over the last few months when I have been on this board, you seem like a very caring individual. Please reach out. do the old "if this were someone else, would I tell them to call" thing. I'm sure you would tell them to call!!
Wish I had more comforting words but that's all I've got.
allie