having a tought time dealing

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
having a tought time dealing
25
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 1:46am
im sure a lot of this will sound really dumb to some of you but ya kno i just cant help it. im 20 years old and just recently had to move in with my mom with my son. it hasnt been going to great here. i found a job but its only part time cuz the town i live in thats pretty much all you can get. so im trying to find another job cuz ill work 2 or 3 if i have to. but living here is so stressing. for one the day after i moved in my mom and her partner told me to my face they dont want me here but i had nowhere else to go. so that is always in my head. and everything is a lecture from them, from the job issue to child support and everything. lately all i can seem to think about is houw much i want to end it. i know i have my son to live for, but he deserves a better mommy, i can admit im not metally stable to care for him. im not even stabel enough to take care of myself. when im with my friend john i have no worries and life is great. any other time im either pissed or bawling. i cant stop. i dont know what to do. i dont have money to go to a doctor or counselor. i cant talk to my mom or my sister. i rarely talk to anyone besides a few close guy friends. its jut been really hard. today ive just been mad and sad hurt. john promised me last night he would meet me after i got off work, never showed, i stayin in town for over an hour before heading him and did he come, NO. so that just hurt me to the max. we are sort of seeing each other but not wuite dating. idk its weird to explain. but these thoughts of ending it are just eating away at me and i cant take it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 12:49pm

Hi Desiree,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 1:28pm
my son is almost 17 months old and usually every weekend his dad will have him but last night when his dad came to drop him off i asked him if for a while he could take him during the week and me on the weekends and i will help pay for daycare and everything and he said that was fine because he knows what ive been thinking of down here at my moms. i dont attempt to harm myself but i do think about it quite a bit and its a very scary thing to think about.....as for dayton (my son) i could never harm him one bit, its just hard to have him around when i dont even know how to handle myself half the time so for a while after his dad finds a daycare he will only be with me on the weekdends. it will be hard for a while, but its definately for the best for dayton and me. itll give me some time to sort out my own thoughs and feelings. and idk if i said it in my 1st post but when im around people and the guys im fine, happy laughing having a really good time. so maybe itll give me more time to get out and have those good times. but more or less im going to take the time for me and figure myself out. as for mom and her partner, they are great with dayton, they play with him and teach him funny things and they would never and have never hurt him in any way. but im not going to tell them or my sister about dayton going to stay with dustin during the week til it happens because when me and dustin (daytons dad) were in the process of splitting up all i heard was i better take dayton and things like that. so im just going to wait until he finds a daycarae and everything to tell them....but this is all for now dayton is running around so i better go...thank you for your help!!! hugs back, desiree
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:41pm

Hi Desiree,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Mon, 10-09-2006 - 11:21pm
hey, i talked to my mom and her partner today and they both agree for me to get help. i know i need to and i am really going to do it. so that is good, i think i found a daycare to put him in, his dad is going to go check it out. then im going to get into some couseling and hopefully thatll do the trick for me. and we will go from there. i have an interview on wednesday so hopefully that will go good. even if i have to work multiple part time jobs (which is about all you can find in this town) i will do it. so thats the plan so far. im hoping that couseling will help. my mom went through really bad depression and thought about suicide too and she made it out ok so im hoping i will too. but i will definately keep you updated on how things are going. thank you for your support
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 10-10-2006 - 3:43pm

Hi Desiree,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Wed, 10-11-2006 - 12:26am
I had a pretty good day today...a friend was sposed to come look at me exhaust but he didnt (im sure he was sleepin he had to go to work tonight for 16 hours) and then when i went to leave for work my car wouldnt start. so thats about the worst it got today. so taht is really good. im glad i had a good day. hopefully i can keep getting these good days. dayton was being really naughty today, he kept throwing his toys at me so i had to take them all away. it kind of hurt he has an old phone we let him play with and he threw it right at my chest. but its ok its a kid thing lol.....so i am going to go and i will let you know how things are going with me. thanks again for being there!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:02am

Hi Desiree,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 12:02am
hey lori, well today was an ok day. dustin (my ex) has been really irritating me lately. he wants to get back together and i dont and he knows it but he will not stop with the comments and everything and its driving me nuts! i know hes having a hard time dealing with the breakup cuz we were together for almost 3 years and i think i only got over it so fast because i knew it was over quite a while ago. idk....as for work, i used to babysit my sisters 2 kids up until i moved to my moms a few weeks ago. her kids are 2 and 11 months (ive babysat them for most of there lives) and right now im working at the local subway, still looking for something better cuz it only pays a little over minimum wage and its part time. ive always wanted to do some kind of counseling with teenagers and youg adults. i have been through sexual abuse, mental abuse, guy problems, friend problems, plus a lot more. so i think i could really help people. we will see though. in high school all my friends would always come to me with problems and ive been told i should be a counselor. it was an all the time thing when i was in turning point (basically if you get in trouble or are on dss u go there) and there was a girl who would never talk to anyone when she had a problem and somehow i got her to talk to me. so that would be something i would want to do. i have been in many different situations and like i said i think i could be good at it........other than that i have found a place in the town i live in that does counseling i just have to get down there and talk to them. so hopefully that will be soon. but im going to go to bed its getting late.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 3:32pm

Hi Desiree,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 10:33pm

I'm so glad that you have a friend like John. Those are hard to come by. I know that things seem overwhelming right now but we have to hold on to the hope that things will get better. I know you're in a hard situation but that will change. You are RIGHT that you have your son to live for. I know you think that you aren't a good mother but I'm sure that's not true. What's true is that no one is perfect. We all have resentments about our parents and our own ability as parents. Once we realize that our parents weren't infallible and we shouldn't expect ourselves to be, that's a step in the right direction.


I see that you have a real drive to work to get out of your situation. That's a good sign. You are stronger and more able than you know. Keep working


And Keep posting!

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Amanda

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