having a tought time dealing

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
having a tought time dealing
25
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 1:46am
im sure a lot of this will sound really dumb to some of you but ya kno i just cant help it. im 20 years old and just recently had to move in with my mom with my son. it hasnt been going to great here. i found a job but its only part time cuz the town i live in thats pretty much all you can get. so im trying to find another job cuz ill work 2 or 3 if i have to. but living here is so stressing. for one the day after i moved in my mom and her partner told me to my face they dont want me here but i had nowhere else to go. so that is always in my head. and everything is a lecture from them, from the job issue to child support and everything. lately all i can seem to think about is houw much i want to end it. i know i have my son to live for, but he deserves a better mommy, i can admit im not metally stable to care for him. im not even stabel enough to take care of myself. when im with my friend john i have no worries and life is great. any other time im either pissed or bawling. i cant stop. i dont know what to do. i dont have money to go to a doctor or counselor. i cant talk to my mom or my sister. i rarely talk to anyone besides a few close guy friends. its jut been really hard. today ive just been mad and sad hurt. john promised me last night he would meet me after i got off work, never showed, i stayin in town for over an hour before heading him and did he come, NO. so that just hurt me to the max. we are sort of seeing each other but not wuite dating. idk its weird to explain. but these thoughts of ending it are just eating away at me and i cant take it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 1:19am
well i was having an ok day today and then michelle (my moms partner) called and now that dayton wont be here except for weekends im going to have to buy my own food, shampoo and that kind of stuff, help with electricity and my part of the water bill. now i know this is an understandable thing but i just dont have the money for all of that and they know that. i have been looking for another job but its not going very well and right now i worry about money a lot and i know its nothing that i should get upset about but i really did. so for most of the day i was pretty upset and everything and i only talked to john for a while before i talked to michelle so i havent talked to him (hes the one i turn to when im having a bad day or when something good/bad happens)...hes pretty much my lifeline. i turn to him for support and hes always there for me. its just really hard living here. most of the time my stress level is through the roof and i honestly cant stand it. i just want out but i know its going to take time and im just impatient with it. if i were on my own i would be so much better because i would only have to answer to myself and the bills would be MY bills and everything. im sure you get what im trying to say. its just complicated and confusing. but im going to get some sleep so thanks for listening once again.....HUGS TO YOU!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 10:03am

Hi Desiree,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 10:23am

It's okay to get upset about the things you're getting upset about. Don't put yourself down for that. You're in a tough situation and I have to say you are doing a great job, even if it doesn't feel like it.


Keep holding on to your lifeline. That is very important to you, I can tell. I know how much a friend like that means.


Keep pushing through you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 10:18pm
all day today i pretty much worked outside, i split logs for a while them mowed (we have a huge yard), then weed whacked. not really by choice. then i went to the store with moms partner michelle. then i tried to find something to do so i could get out of the house and yeah that didnt work. everyone is busy doing something else or not answering. so that really just made me feel like crap basically cuz i NEED out of this house. and my car is not driveable at the moment so that just makes it worse cuz i cant leave. my mind is pretty much freaking out at the moment. and ive been getting the suicidal thoughts tonight. i know its over the dumbest stuff, but i cant help it. im only 20 and i dont like to sit at home with the parents all the time ya know? its just very frusterating. if my car was running id be gone by now, but its not so im stuck here. and im not ballsy enough to ask if i can use michelles truck cuz im sure it wont happen. cant drive moms cuz she doeesnt have insurance and she has to go to work at 11. so yeah it most definately sucks. im talking to john online but he wont want to do nething cuz he worked 16 hours today. but thats all i spose.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 9:22am

Hi Desiree,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:09pm

Good to hear that you tried to get some things done today. Sometimes a sense of accomplishment can help. And don't expect others to give you the praise you obviously deserve. It just doesn't seem to happen as much once we become adults.


Don't give into those SU thoughts. Keep posting here all night if that's what it takes.


Is there public tranist or could you go for walks to get out of the house?


How goes the job?

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 11:20pm
well today i got up at 2pm cuz i was up til about 4am, met up with john before he went to work (met up at 3am til about 4). then i ran to town with a friend and worked some more outside and thats about it. so yeah really sucked having to sit at home all weekend. i can go for a walk but the town i live in is pretty much nothing (population a few years ago was a whopping 73 and all thats here is a post office and a volunteer fire dept.) and canton is 10 miles away...so ive been just really irritated that i have to sit around here cuz my car is broken, and sick of working outside (log splitting, mowing our big lawn that took about 1-2 hours if not more, weed eating, raking out garden area). just getting sick of a lot of things lately. its crazy. i havent been eating again. i ate a taco today and got full....sad huh. yesterday all i ate was i think a bowl of cereal in the am and a little bit of chicken alfredo. oh well, thats how its been for a few months now so im used to it. i know i dont take real good care of myself (healthwise)and i know i should, but idk it just doesnt seem too important right now. i have bigger problems to worry about. im calling the counseling place tomorrow to see if i can afford it. its income based so we will see. then going to WIC hopefully (in canton they are only there on monday) and apply at some more places, then go to woek. but i spose im gona go so thanks again.....HUGS!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 10:40am

((((Desiree))))


Sorry to hear that you are so far away from everything. I thought I was, but at least i have weekday busses. I just feel so disconnected on the weekends. I don't have internet at home and that makes me feel even more disconnected. I'm glad you have us to keep connected with.


Keep on hanging on.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 11:01am

Hi Desiree,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 11:37pm
well today was yet another very boring day. i got up at about 10. then at about 2:30 this afternoon michelle called and asked if i had a backup plan for getting to work (she was at my sisters who hasnt been paying bills and is highly in debt) so i tried to find someone. that didnt work so i just switched days with a friend. so i will work tomorrow and wednesday. talked to john for about 5 minutes twice today on the phone. wasnt too fun. he was in sioux falls (about 45 minutes away) and then i called a couple hours later and he was still up there looking for this place that has a crotchrocket he wants so i told him to call me when he got back to canton and we should do something, he said ok....did he ever call....of course NOT. im a little upset about it cuz its not the first time hes done that and i absolutely cannot stand when a person says they will call you and then they dont. and the vehicle wont be fixed til friday so i cant really do anything all week unless someone picks me up and whatnot. its just very frustrating when i have to sit home all day unless i have to work. and i know that during the week john only works i think tuesday and thursday so then i can see him more. we kind of have a thing going. we arent technically dating (even tho we might as well be cuz we do everything couples do for the most part ne way) but we get together and hang out and he always takes me on his quad (weather permitting of course) and idk we have a really good time together, but he leaves i think its the day after xmas for school. so thats going to suck big time.....as for dayton yes he is with his dad during the week and i can tell its already made a difference with me im not so on edge all the time now. whats that mean about me and mothering??? good or bad? idk what it means. but hes doing pretty good with his dad, they always have fun together, his dads really good with him. hes got a cold, congested and coughing but his dad bought him medicine and everything so thats good. but this is all for the night i spose......HUGS!