having a tought time dealing

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
having a tought time dealing
25
Sun, 10-08-2006 - 1:46am
im sure a lot of this will sound really dumb to some of you but ya kno i just cant help it. im 20 years old and just recently had to move in with my mom with my son. it hasnt been going to great here. i found a job but its only part time cuz the town i live in thats pretty much all you can get. so im trying to find another job cuz ill work 2 or 3 if i have to. but living here is so stressing. for one the day after i moved in my mom and her partner told me to my face they dont want me here but i had nowhere else to go. so that is always in my head. and everything is a lecture from them, from the job issue to child support and everything. lately all i can seem to think about is houw much i want to end it. i know i have my son to live for, but he deserves a better mommy, i can admit im not metally stable to care for him. im not even stabel enough to take care of myself. when im with my friend john i have no worries and life is great. any other time im either pissed or bawling. i cant stop. i dont know what to do. i dont have money to go to a doctor or counselor. i cant talk to my mom or my sister. i rarely talk to anyone besides a few close guy friends. its jut been really hard. today ive just been mad and sad hurt. john promised me last night he would meet me after i got off work, never showed, i stayin in town for over an hour before heading him and did he come, NO. so that just hurt me to the max. we are sort of seeing each other but not wuite dating. idk its weird to explain. but these thoughts of ending it are just eating away at me and i cant take it.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 2:16am
im feeling totally and completely sick to my stomach at the moment. im talking to john on msn and him and an exfriend of mine had a thing last summer and i was bored so i searched him on myspace and there was a message from july on there from her saying she still loves him. so i emailed him and said i needed to talk to him. well we're chatting on msn and he said i cant control everything and we are done. well i doubt we are but knowing thats how it is is just ripping me apart to the point i think im literally gona puke. im not finishing things with him like that until i can talk to him in person. and theres this guy ive known my whole life and is like a brother well a lot lately hes been trying to basically talk me into having sex with him and i told him its not gona happen cuz hes like my brother. and im getting afraid of him cuz hes a lot stronger than i am. but im going to refrain being around him as much as i possibly can cuz if he ever forced himself on me that would be the end of it for me. ive been thru sexual abuse from my dad and if ne one ever forced themselves on me idk what i would do. ne way got a little off topic there. i just feel really sick, i have the chills and i cant stop shaking..WHATS WRONG WITH ME!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:40pm

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?" For what it's worth, I don't think anything is "wrong" with you, hon except for the fact that you seem to have had your past abuse stuff triggered by this guy who's "like a brother" to you and is pushing you for sex. "Like a brother" and "sex" don't mix and you are totally justified in reacting to that and setting a boundary with this guy and if he doesn't get it--or you fear he wouldn't, you are absolutely justified in staying away!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2005
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 11:46pm
well i havent seen john since satuday night/sunday morning which really sucks, me and mom have been arguing a little today, dayton has pink eye, and idk if my vehicle is going to be fixed friday. with the john deal, he knows we are more than just friends and everything, but idk. he says he loves me (not in a friend way) and he knows im head over heels for him, but im waiting til we get together next to tell him what i think about the mary thing and whatnot. living at moms is just hell. we rarely see each other since we work at different times and we have never been close and when we argue its just really hard on me, it shouldnt upset me like it does but it really does and today when i was laying up in my room before work all i could think of was cutting. since im sposed to have dayton this weekend i mights stay up at his dads cuz mom has no propane and all we have is a wood burning stove which doesnt really heat the whole house and i was under 2 blankets, had on jeans, tshirt and hoodie and was still freezin and since daytons already had a cold i dont want to risk him getting sicker. so we will see. if my vehicle isnt fixed im going to CRAZY. cuz since i drive michelles truck to work i have to come right home and she knows exactly how many miles it takes to get to my work and back so if i go over i get in trouble. i think thats a little rediculous, i understand its her truck but im 20 not 15 and all ya know? its just really hard being here and i absolutely hate it! i worked yesterday, today and then again tomorrow, saturday and monday. but im going to go..hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:58am

Hi Desiree,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 9:41am

Desiree,


As always it looks like you are doing everything in your power to make your situation better. Kudos for that. Keep at it. I know you can do it.


Hugs,

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Amanda

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