Today is my birthday
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| Mon, 10-09-2006 - 10:48am |
Hello, today is my birthday. I'm 35. I had previously written asking for the advice of parents. Thank you for your responses.
My mom came to see me yesterday, for my birthday. So did my two sisters. I felt bad for them to have to be around me. And, they seem frustrated. I can't blame them. I've become a lousy sister and daughter. The dissappointed look on mom's face all day was so hard. And, the more I tried, the worse I thought it got. She cannot be a happy and proud parent.
The day ended with me crying, as it always does. Balled up in the shower. Crying, same as I'm doing right now, here at my desk at work. The only gift I really wanted for my birthday is to not cry today.
I had read that people commit suicide when they feel that the pain and loneliness is greater than their resources and ability to cope are. I understand that. I'm tired. Since I didn't get what I want for my birthday, I just want to not have anymore birthdays. I just don't know how to do it. Is there anyone who can tell me how?
2.0

Hi 2.0,
Lori,
It isn't an awful day in that nothing tragic happened, no one tried to hurt me, I didn't get a flat tire... it was awful in how I felt - as alone. Solitary. Yes, I got one or two e-cards, but nothing that felt meaningful. Gifts of monatary don't mean that much to me.
Mom has never said outright that I'm a disappointment. but I am a disapointment to me. I feel that she, and my sisters, are beyond a little worried and are just frustrated. And, yes, I've spent most of my life trying to take care of them. They do care back, but that's not who I need to be cared by. The only reason I've included them in my discussion, is I worry about who will take care of them later? My thought is that they will still be OK.
I'm lonely, sad and tired. I had spent a little time talking with someone many years ago, and I have a good guess at what they are going to tell me. And, trust me, I've tried many, many things. I've come to the conclusion that not everyone makes it. And I'm not strong enough to be the "happy outsider" watching life. Lonely isn't a disease. It just the way it is.
Thank you for your advice and thoughts. I hate crying all day.
Hi there,
I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. I'm glad you have concern for your mom and sis's. I know that if you can at least feel some concern for them, then there is something holding you here. And that's a good thing as much as you may not think so.
I know about feeling a dissappointment to your family. I always thought that I was the biggest disappointment to mine, but when I asked my dad outright if he was disappointed in me he said no and that made my head spin. Where had all this disappointment feeling come from then. I found out that it was myself in my bipolar depression, borderline personality way. It was a strange understanding to come to and even now that I know that it is still the hardest feeling to deal with and I'm still not there. Knowing it's not true won't make the feeling go away but it's a step. Lori is right depression so clouds our judgement that we see things negatively and project those feelings onto others.
Keep on posting!