**TRIGGER** I hate being alive!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
**TRIGGER** I hate being alive!
26
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 9:09am
I hate being alive so much I just cringe when I wake up to yet another day! I don't feel like calling and talking to anyone and I don't even feel like wanting to get better you know what I mean? Anyone? I want to end it so badly but watch me screw that up as well! I feel sorry for my children and grandchildren having to be left in this hate war filled world with no future and no jobs. Life just plain sucks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 11:20am

Hi Sadeyes,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 12:32pm
thanks lori you are a good person. thanks for taking the time to reply (((hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 2:41pm
Have you ever met anyone who just couldn't reach out for help? Right now I just don't see how medication could do anything for me. I am so serious, I am sooo down right now and hopeless I would just call it quits right this minute if I didn't have a baby here. If the mother knew how I was feeling right this minute she would flip. I don't know if anyone can understand exactly what I am feeling this so worthless hateful feeling of myself. I wished that I could just scream and scream and scream. I know I am not making any sense right now. I don't think I could hate anyone more than I do for myself. I don't expect any responses I am just talking trying to make sense of everything and this is my ony outside link. This baby that I am watching is the only thing right now that is keeping me from killing myself. sighhhh...
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 2:47pm
I am just talk I will probaby be ok by tonight or tomorrow so maybe I will be better by then and go on as usual.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 10-12-2006 - 10:54pm

Sorry I couldn't get back to the board before this. I hope you got through the afternoon okay and I'm glad that writing helps--it always helped me, too!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 6:19am
Thanks Lori I am serious when I say you are a life saver to many here, I believe you have been blessed to help others. It is silly but you are right in that the simplest things can be the hardest to do when you are feeling so low as I just can not get myself motivated at this time but your list is a good one and I so appreciate it that you took the time to write it out for me (((thank you))). You must know exactly how I am feeling then when I say that I just can't reach out for serious needed help at this time since you had been through it yourself, something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. (((hugs))) Today I will finally be alone since I won't have the baby to watch. I don't know if that is such a good idea because I seriously don't trust myself when I am this way, so once the kids leave for school I am going to go back to bed and try to sleep the day away for my own safety. I truely envy the people who have the courage to do what is right and seek help for themselves when they know that they are in serious danger. That is just one more thing that I hate about myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 6:24am
Me being older you would think I would know better than to let myself get in this shape... sigh
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 3:44pm

Hey there,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 10:37pm

you are making plenty of sense, the kind of thoughts and feelings of depression. Lori is so right. I wish I could find the right words the way she does. Man, if I think I'm ever going to help someone the way that I am now. I know things have to change. I think you do too or you wouldn't be admitting it to this board.


I know you feel that medication may not work but I sense the smallest hope that things might change SOMEHOW. And they can if you just keep reaching out.


And keep posting.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 12:27pm
My son asked his dad if we could all go to the Verizon Store to get a phone clip for his cell phone and I found myself lying to them saying that I had diarrhea just so I did not have to go. I detest liars and here I am lying now myself dear God help me.

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