A bit about what's up with me. trigs.

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Registered: 08-02-2005
A bit about what's up with me. trigs.
12
Fri, 10-13-2006 - 10:38pm
I normally don't write about me because I figure I'm supposed to be here for you. Right now though I figured I better check in, in case I end up in the hospital, so you won't wonder where I am. For the last month I've been going downhill, but last week things got even worse. In therapy my assualt from last summer came up and I quickly became distraught and went from there are a couple of jerks in the world, to there's no good in the world, to I'm sick of being in this world. My psychiatrist kept me in the office until it was time to go home. Then I left and called my mom. I told her "I just can't be alone right now" and she came and got me and I stayed at her place, but she had to work in the morning and I was left alone. The suicidal urges were hard to fight and I ended up calling the crisis line and they sent the mobile team to see me. Then they sent a cab to take me to the hospital. I saw the triage nurse and then sat in the big waiting room for four hours. At that point I went out for a smoke and didn't come back. My mom picked me up and I went to bed. The next day I felt a bit better and was able to go out and get a few things done. My mom went up to Ottawa for Thanksgiving so I was left home alone again. I called my brother and he picked me up Sunday and I made him and his roommate Thanksgiving dinner. I had a little bit of a sense of accomplishment at cooking my first Thanksgiving dinner so my mood rose a bit. We went out to the bar Sunday night and I ran into my friend. We quickly caught each other up on what had been going on with ourselves. When I told her I was in the hospital Thursday she said she thought it was because of my eating disorder. You're looking sick, she said. My brother dropped me back home Monday. Somehow I made it through Monday and Tuesday, pretty much just staying in bed. Then finally I got to see my pdoc on Wednesday. Apparantly I don't sound much better because she put the idea of me going back to the hospital back on the table. She was right though. My mood quickly turned from bad to worse. I couldn't do the things I enjoyed. I somehow managed to make it to yoga Wednesday, but it was hard. I wasn't feeling like doing anything and getting there seemed like such an effort. I told the instructor that I might not be around because I might be going back to the hospital. The next day I stayed in bed all day and had to force myself to get dressed and out the door. I was supposed to be at art therapy but I ended up at the eating disorder centre and went to the tail end of the support group. They all thought I should be back in the hospital, as did the director, especially since on top of the depression the physical effects of the eating disorder are getting to me. Still I told them that I had a plan. I just had to get through last night then I'd be coming to my mom's then to Burlington to stay with the director of the centre and then singing at the fundraiser on Sunday. It sounded like a good plan to me. I thought "If only I can make it to Monday then maybe I'll go to the hospital". Well today was even more difficult. I couldn't get out of bed and when I did I ended up sitting outside in the cold for three hours because I just couldn't make a decision to move. My mom picked me up and helped me get my things for the weekend. I didn't know if I'd make it to Monday though. She helped me get my things together because I was useless on my own. Now I'm at her place. I had a bath, for the first time in forever and ate for the first time since Monday (although I had a Boost yesterday because I promised someone I would). I've been trying to get ahold of my pdoc for the last two days. She gave me her cell number and said to call her later Wednesday, which I did and then said to call Thursday morning which I did but my battery died in the middle of our conversation. She had said that she would call me later yesterday, but hasn't and her phone has been off. In true borderline style she's become an evil witch who is trying to avoid me. So that's where I stand. Just to let you know.

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Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2006
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 12:16pm
I am soo sorry that you are going through a rough time as well. There just seems to be sooo many hurting and lost anymore. I give you credit though that you have the courage to reach out for that lifeline when you know you need it. Gentle hugs being sent your way... (((hugs)))
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 8:49pm

Same to you keep holding on to your life lines too.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 8:50pm

Made it through another day. I worked with my mom which gave me a sense of purpose for a while. Talked to a good friend last night and that helped. Practiced my for tomorrow and am at Carolyn's. Getting ready for tomorrow. Did my nails, laid out my clothes, helped Carolyn with some last minute getting ready. Now it's time for bed, after I check the boards.

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Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 10-14-2006 - 9:17pm
W


Edited 9/12/2009 1:41 pm ET by alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 9:13am

Hi Amanda,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:12pm

Allie,


It's great to hear that you are recognizing your HUNGER and finally able to do something about it. I know during the last week I ate Monday and then nothing until Friday and I didn't feel the hunger although the last 3 days now that I am eating I am recognizing my hunger and it's my body telling me something, so I have to listen. You listen to what your body needs right now too.


Thanks for posting.


Hugs.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:12pm
Yay! Made it another day without the hospital. The fundraiser brunch was great. Such a good turnout. My singing went better than expected and I got many compliments. I got to see a few people I know. Now I'm back at my mom's. So I can be safe another night. What is going to happen when I go home?

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 10:44am

I hope I can make it through the day. The tasks ahead seem so daunting, even though they are simple things like getting photocopies. My student cancelled our meeting and the co-ordinator just got my email and said we'll match him with a different tutor and I need to help myself first. That's what everyone keeps saying. I'll try to remember that, but it's hard to feel that about yourself when you are this down.


I also want to make it through Tuesday because Girl Guide cookies need to be picked up and I have an art class.


I'll be missing my exam on Monday, and have to somehow finish my lab for tuesday. I don't think that's going to happen and that makes me sad. I haven't been able to concentrate

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 10:07pm

Well I did make it through the day yesterday. I didn't have to go to my meeting with my student because he cancelled. I asked the coordinator if she got my email and she looked at it right then and said she'd match him with another tutor since it is not a good time for me. I got through Girl Guides better than expected. It was really hard because my two other leaders didn't show up. We're not supposed to be 1 on 1 with the girls, so I was very happy that my friend and mother of one of my Guides stayed for the meeting.


My friend usually drives me downtown, but she drove me all the way home last night. We talked about my eating disorder and depression. She said that I've lost a lot of weight (I can't remeber if she said "too much" or just "alot"). She said that I'm pushing people away and isolating at the time I need someone the most. She's also battled depression and alot of other things, so she said "you know I can relate" and I know it's true. So now I'm at her house. I'm going to stay a few days so I can relax and take care of myself. If the kids get to be too much I can always go out for a while.


So that's the latest.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 11:06am

Hey honey. No trigs.

I'm glad you're taking it only one day at a time...and even one hour at a time. Sometimes that what we have to do.

I'm here for you...I keep up with your and how you're doing, so I'm really glad you're posting every day.

I know how it is to isolate. I did it for an amazingly long time. 4 years. I'm finally to the point that I'm getting out again, and trying very hard to have social interaction. It is so important.

Hang in there...you're strong. You are STRONG and RESILIENT! You'll get through.

Love you,

Keli

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