A bit about what's up with me. trigs.
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A bit about what's up with me. trigs.
| Fri, 10-13-2006 - 10:38pm |
I normally don't write about me because I figure I'm supposed to be here for you. Right now though I figured I better check in, in case I end up in the hospital, so you won't wonder where I am. For the last month I've been going downhill, but last week things got even worse. In therapy my assualt from last summer came up and I quickly became distraught and went from there are a couple of jerks in the world, to there's no good in the world, to I'm sick of being in this world. My psychiatrist kept me in the office until it was time to go home. Then I left and called my mom. I told her "I just can't be alone right now" and she came and got me and I stayed at her place, but she had to work in the morning and I was left alone. The suicidal urges were hard to fight and I ended up calling the crisis line and they sent the mobile team to see me. Then they sent a cab to take me to the hospital. I saw the triage nurse and then sat in the big waiting room for four hours. At that point I went out for a smoke and didn't come back. My mom picked me up and I went to bed. The next day I felt a bit better and was able to go out and get a few things done. My mom went up to Ottawa for Thanksgiving so I was left home alone again. I called my brother and he picked me up Sunday and I made him and his roommate Thanksgiving dinner. I had a little bit of a sense of accomplishment at cooking my first Thanksgiving dinner so my mood rose a bit. We went out to the bar Sunday night and I ran into my friend. We quickly caught each other up on what had been going on with ourselves. When I told her I was in the hospital Thursday she said she thought it was because of my eating disorder. You're looking sick, she said. My brother dropped me back home Monday. Somehow I made it through Monday and Tuesday, pretty much just staying in bed. Then finally I got to see my pdoc on Wednesday. Apparantly I don't sound much better because she put the idea of me going back to the hospital back on the table. She was right though. My mood quickly turned from bad to worse. I couldn't do the things I enjoyed. I somehow managed to make it to yoga Wednesday, but it was hard. I wasn't feeling like doing anything and getting there seemed like such an effort. I told the instructor that I might not be around because I might be going back to the hospital. The next day I stayed in bed all day and had to force myself to get dressed and out the door. I was supposed to be at art therapy but I ended up at the eating disorder centre and went to the tail end of the support group. They all thought I should be back in the hospital, as did the director, especially since on top of the depression the physical effects of the eating disorder are getting to me. Still I told them that I had a plan. I just had to get through last night then I'd be coming to my mom's then to Burlington to stay with the director of the centre and then singing at the fundraiser on Sunday. It sounded like a good plan to me. I thought "If only I can make it to Monday then maybe I'll go to the hospital". Well today was even more difficult. I couldn't get out of bed and when I did I ended up sitting outside in the cold for three hours because I just couldn't make a decision to move. My mom picked me up and helped me get my things for the weekend. I didn't know if I'd make it to Monday though. She helped me get my things together because I was useless on my own. Now I'm at her place. I had a bath, for the first time in forever and ate for the first time since Monday (although I had a Boost yesterday because I promised someone I would). I've been trying to get ahold of my pdoc for the last two days. She gave me her cell number and said to call her later Wednesday, which I did and then said to call Thursday morning which I did but my battery died in the middle of our conversation. She had said that she would call me later yesterday, but hasn't and her phone has been off. In true borderline style she's become an evil witch who is trying to avoid me. So that's where I stand. Just to let you know.
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Hi hun ((((((((((((love and hugs)))))))))))))) back.
Thanks for the post. I'm glad that someone thinks I'm strong and resilient. Because I'm starting to feel weak and tired of trying.
I went through quite the ordeal yesterday (see my next response to this post).
Still safe, one day at a time.
Well I don't know what happened but I went from waiting in my pdoc's office yesterday morning to being in the ER. They formed me for 72 hrs, did blood and urine samples and hooked me up to a saline drip (at least that will help with the dehydration). They were concerned that I had taken too much medication and wanted me to drink charcoal. I refused. I did take my morning and evening medications at the same time because I forgot the night before, but the only thing that was doubled was the clonazepam, and 2 mg of clonazepam is not enough to kill me.
Then they sent me by OPT (Ontario Patient Transfer) to St. Joes because McMaster (where I was) does not have inpatient psychiatry. We talked a bit about my history and how I ended up there. He thought I was intelligent and well informed about my dx's and rx's. I don't know if I should have stayed the 72 hrs or not but the doctor was able to cancell the form and send me home (I went back to my friend's house).
I really wish I knew what happened. I left a message for my pdoc at her other office and hopefully she can tell me what happened. I also wish I was coherent enough to get the letter I needed from her and my prescription filled. The reason I couldn't get my rx filled was because of limitations of ODSP (disability). I don't know what that means in terms of long term use. All I know is that it is not "normally" covered under ODSP. I have to get it now though so I'm going to have to pay for it all upfront. I don't know if I can submit it later.
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