This is my first time visiting here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
This is my first time visiting here.
13
Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:54pm


Well this is the first time i've visited one of these boards. I do frequent other boards but I'm not using that screen name as i'd like to stay annomous here. I guess with my spelling will eventually give away who i really am anyway.

My question is this. When you are in your deepest darkest place and you just want to pain to go away and you are driving down a road and you actully pick out a tree that you know would get the job done. or your driving along and you spot a place on a bridge and get out and inspect the opening on the bridge. Or when you find a spot and kind of watch it for a few days to see what kind of traffic is there so you know you won't hurt anyone else when and if you decided enough is enough? Does this mean you have reached the end of your life line?

But then you have the slight guilt of leaing your kids behind and your spouse to put the pieces back together. You feel so much love for him and that is one of the few things that is holding you togehter, but the guilt over hating your teenage children just consumes you with guilt. You hate them because of the way they act, they way they treat you what they say to you. It's like your children treat you like you are their worse enemy in the world. I know they are teenagers and a lot of this is normal but i'm honestly telling you this is gone beyond normal.

No my children are not sneaking out of the house, they are not drinking, or doing drugs. the kids they have out with are good kids from what I can see. i've talked to their friends parents i've talked to the guidenance counselor, the principal the administrator. we have taken away the computer (my spae is just horrible) we have taken away the sterio and i'm not sure which other privlidges to take away from them. They just dn't get it, that the nastier and meaner you are the more you will loose. I've tried letting them earn things back but they aren't intrested in it they are down right spiteful evil children. It shatters my heart in a million pieces typing this not only thinking of it. HOW can a mother think such horrible things of her children. How can a mother thinking of dying and leaving them alone without a mother? How can a mother do that? I don't know but I do know that these are the feelings i'm having right now.

I know you will all tell me to talk to my dr. and I know that if i do He will put me in a phyciatric hospital. I was in one for 4 days a few years ago and you just learn the system and learn to get out of there. you dn't get any help or any real reason. you come home and everyone tip toes around you so much that it drives you more insane. I stay away from the house as much as I can because I can't stand to even look at them. My house is a mess the laundry is backed up and i'm broke. sometimes i will take the little girl I watch and we will go to the park and feed the ducks or just walk around the lake. I love this child. she is 3 years old and she is the light of my life. I can really honestly say tht she is the one who is keeping me going right now. I know she sees my depression and she will hug me and kiss me on the check and tell me she loves me and it always sems at just the time I need a little pick me up.

I know I need to get away and visit a relative for a while and I know that al i have to do is call my aunt and tell her how i'm feeling her home will be open to me. I've dropped hints to my husband before that i needed to get away for my sanity sake or I wouldn't have one left. he thinks i'm joking or just over reacting. I don't want to loose my marriage he the only thing I live for. I yearn for the days when it will be just him and I and we can get to learn each other all over again. I feel like we don't even know each other anymore. Our lives is about who is picking up the kids where, how we are going to pay for the groceries this week and what rx's need fill this week. I have crohn's disease, divitiulitus, diabetic, asthma, and crohnic fatigue. the medicines i'm on alone is enough to pay more then half our morgage. the meds my son on is on could pay the car payment each month. he is ad/hd, odd,ocd,bi-polar disorder,dislexia. my daughter is also on meds for her ad/hd, and mood disorder (they won't diag. her with bi polar yet but will soon. my other dd has tourettes and is being controlled with meds. two of the girls have allergies and the zyrtec, singular,flonaise,patenol, is also tak,ing a lot of out our budget not to mention my 16 year old has metal rods in her back that go from her neck to her waist because she has scoliosis. two of my girls also have scoliosis but theirs are only 5 degrees and 10 degreese. so we have to make regular trips to Johns Hopkins to have them checked evry six months. this is just the tip of the ice burg that is breaking away from the large body of ice that i call my llife.

If you've read this far then you know why there is a tree or a wall or a bridge out there with my name on it calling me daily, and it is a daily fight not to find it and to just give it. I'm almost at the point where the pain is out weighting the guilt.

Libby

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 10:33am

Hi Libby and welcome to the board. I hope you will stay and let us get to know you and allow you to know us a bit more. We have a really great bunch of women here willing to share their thoughts and support!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 10:44am

Welcome to the board Libby.


I'm sorry to hear that you are going through such a hard time. I know these things can weigh very heavy on our minds.


I have to honestly say that I didn't catch everything that you said because my concentration is really bad right now.


Please try to stay safe and I will post again later if I have the energy.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 8:50pm

All I can say is that today i'm still here. things havne't changed. it's been a little better day because the child I watch and I visited a nursing home for music time and then had lunch with one of the other mommies there. It was good. I had fun just having lunch and not thinking about things. I got a call from my sons school that he was in the quiet room and had been violent for an hour. once the police officer showed up he calmed down and was able to resume his school day. Tonight has been horrible with him. my dh is actually taking care of the kids so I can have some alone time. i've had the kids coming down to bug me but not so much. my 9 year old little girl just came to give me a kiss good night. that helped to put a piece of puzzle that i call my broken heart back in place.

On the 17th of October my grandmother passed away. she was my lifeline through a life time of abuse. and I'm missing her dearly.

Tomorrow i'm going to take the little one to a art class at the local craft store, so i'll get out for a little while tomorrow.

I tried to have a conversation with my dh today about how bad things really are. My phyciatrist will be in his office in my location on thursday. I did call him last week and told him how i was feeling and he called me in some xanax and he said he wanted to see me this week, so i will call and go and see him again.

I will NOT ever go into another phyciatric hospital again. I have panic attacks and sadness from being in one before. I remember as a child visiting my mother in them and I will not EVER go through that or put my dh through that. I'm in the hospital so much now as it is because of my asthma and my crohn's disease now that just that alone takes so much out of him. I'm not sure he is strong enough to deal with all of this and i think he is trying to push it away or to make is less serious then it really is.

My very best friend is a cop. I tell her so many things but i don't tell her about my plans or how i just want all the pain to go away. ok i can say it about how much I want to die. she was there the last time i went to the emergency room and stayed with me till my dh got there. i know that if i let her know the feelings i have then legally she has to let someone know or take me in herself. I know how hard that would be on her. I talk to her everyday and she calls me everyday to ask how i'm doing. I just can't share that part with her. I feel that maybe I can share some of those things here with people that I don't know and maybe just maybe i can get out some of those feelings and start to make myself better.

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 10-16-2006 - 10:59pm

Hi Libby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:15am

My son is 10, he is AD/HD, OCD, ODD, Bi-Polar disorder, speech problem and dislexia, he hasn't been diag with aspergers yet.

When he is calm he is a sweet loving hcild. hugs and kisses all the time. He spent 6 months living in a residentiual treatment center and then 2 years in school. the bus wouold pick hi up in the morning and bring hie home in the evening. We don't know what is setting him off in school but luckily it is a school with a classroom support setting and they have the staff to handle it.

My granmothe was my life line through sanity. my mother left me on the living room floor to go back to her x husband when I was 6 weeks old. it took 3 days for the neighbors to realise i was there by myself. my father had found out about it and was told that my mother took us kids with her but she only took her older daughter who had the same father that was her x does that make sese. My mother ended up comong home to my father and me but she gave up her two oldest girls. there were 5 of us girls all together. so when she came back ty my mother and me she lost her two oldest girls. one day we got a call that they had been found and we went to that state and brought them home. I was tol dI could no longer live with them becaue they didn't hae enough room. i was 12 at the time and i moved in with my grandmother and my grandfather. it was the best 6 months of my life. i didn't get beat or yelled at. then my grandfather died and my mother my father and my 4 sisters moved in with me nad my grandmother and all hell broke loose again this time only worse. The day i left that house i left with my car keys in my hand no shoes no socks and it was snowing outside.

I will never forget that day as long as i live

here i go rambling again

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 12:19pm

Oh Libby..... your story brings tears to my eyes--how HORRIBLE to treat a child like that! It is easy to see just WHY you are struggling so hard today--but you are MORE than your history, my friend and you can rise above this and likely have in so many ways! I know this is going to sound "corny" but I do think you are meant to be here--that you are here for a reason. That you are alive is a miracle. How else can one explain the fact that a newborn left on the floor without parental care, feeding etc, survived for 3 days?


And I know this may not be what you want to hear but I am going to remind you of something, okay? It's up to you what you do with it... Think about your own kids. Could ANYTHING have made you abandon them without parental care, food and the basics of life at that age? Think about how YOU still suffer TODAY because of what was done to you as a child....the abandonment, the abuse, the losses. YOU have the power to break this cycle for future generations, Libby. No, let's make this a bit more personal--you have the power to break this cycle for YOUR children by not giving up and abandoning them due to your own pain.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 6:47pm

Thank you, your words mean so much. I'm have a very very hard day today.

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 9:46pm

I'm sorry that things haven't changed but I'm glad that you had a little bit better day.


Wow that incident with your son sounds serious. Is this something that happens often? I can't believe that the police were called!


I'm sorry to hear that your grandmother died ((((hugs)))). I hope that once you get through this the grieving process and you can get to a point where her memory will sustain you.


I'm glad you get a chance to get out of the house tomorrow. The art class sounds cool. I was supposed to have art tonight but I slept too late this afternoon.


You say you had a conversation with your dh about how bad things are. How did that go? I know it can be hard, especially for people who haven't had to deal with mental illness.


I'm glad that you get to see your pdoc. Has the xanax helped? Maybe too soon to tell. Have you been on it before?


I'm so sorry that you can't tell your best friend all that is going on. Can you make a list of all your supports and find someone else to talk to. You don't even have to tell them all that is going on, just use them whenever you need them and just keep talking until the urge goes away.


Do you also have a list of crisis numbers in your area? And how about some distractions and coping mechanisms?


Keep on doing all that you are doing and I look forward to the next time you post.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Wed, 10-18-2006 - 11:19pm

I have my phyciatrist number, and my dh is trying to understand but i don't ever think he fully will. I talke dto my aunt last night and my sister too.

I took my xanx and my ambien and went to sleep.

Today I took the little one i watch to her dance class and then ran some errands. came home put some laundry away in my room and just watched a movie with dh and the kids.

I got mad at two of the older girls when i went down to the laundry room and i coun't 18 pieces of dirty dishes in their room not including the trash. I called my dh and MADE him come down so he cold see it before they had a chance to put it away. he didn't sa anything to them i think it is because he just didn't have anymore left in him.

Now i'm sitting here trying to wait up on my sister in law and find a nice easy way to let her know that she is going to be arrested tomorrow for a DUI that she didn't show up for in court. My friend got the warrent yesterday and was supposed to pick her up but because we are friends she is going to give her the chance to turn herself in and only have to spend 2 to 6 hours in jail. if she doesn't by 9pm tomorrow night then they will pick her up at work tomorrow and she will be spending the weekend in jail. i just don't know how to tell her with out her getting mad at me and thinking i'm putting my nose in her business.

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 9:49am

I hope your SIL has the good sense to turn herself in and make it easier on herself! I imagine you've told her by now...but if not you might say something like, "You know ___ and I are friends, right? In my eyes her occupation is not an issue but because of the work she does, she was able to make things easier on YOU, too. It's up to you if you take her up on it. You are going to be arrested tomorrow. You can choose to let them come find you--and pay a steeper price--or, you can turn yourself in and spend just hours there. I'll leave that up to you but I wanted you to at least have the option because I care." Then it's in her hands!


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