This is my first time visiting here.
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| Sun, 10-15-2006 - 8:54pm |
Well this is the first time i've visited one of these boards. I do frequent other boards but I'm not using that screen name as i'd like to stay annomous here. I guess with my spelling will eventually give away who i really am anyway.
My question is this. When you are in your deepest darkest place and you just want to pain to go away and you are driving down a road and you actully pick out a tree that you know would get the job done. or your driving along and you spot a place on a bridge and get out and inspect the opening on the bridge. Or when you find a spot and kind of watch it for a few days to see what kind of traffic is there so you know you won't hurt anyone else when and if you decided enough is enough? Does this mean you have reached the end of your life line?
But then you have the slight guilt of leaing your kids behind and your spouse to put the pieces back together. You feel so much love for him and that is one of the few things that is holding you togehter, but the guilt over hating your teenage children just consumes you with guilt. You hate them because of the way they act, they way they treat you what they say to you. It's like your children treat you like you are their worse enemy in the world. I know they are teenagers and a lot of this is normal but i'm honestly telling you this is gone beyond normal.
No my children are not sneaking out of the house, they are not drinking, or doing drugs. the kids they have out with are good kids from what I can see. i've talked to their friends parents i've talked to the guidenance counselor, the principal the administrator. we have taken away the computer (my spae is just horrible) we have taken away the sterio and i'm not sure which other privlidges to take away from them. They just dn't get it, that the nastier and meaner you are the more you will loose. I've tried letting them earn things back but they aren't intrested in it they are down right spiteful evil children. It shatters my heart in a million pieces typing this not only thinking of it. HOW can a mother think such horrible things of her children. How can a mother thinking of dying and leaving them alone without a mother? How can a mother do that? I don't know but I do know that these are the feelings i'm having right now.
I know you will all tell me to talk to my dr. and I know that if i do He will put me in a phyciatric hospital. I was in one for 4 days a few years ago and you just learn the system and learn to get out of there. you dn't get any help or any real reason. you come home and everyone tip toes around you so much that it drives you more insane. I stay away from the house as much as I can because I can't stand to even look at them. My house is a mess the laundry is backed up and i'm broke. sometimes i will take the little girl I watch and we will go to the park and feed the ducks or just walk around the lake. I love this child. she is 3 years old and she is the light of my life. I can really honestly say tht she is the one who is keeping me going right now. I know she sees my depression and she will hug me and kiss me on the check and tell me she loves me and it always sems at just the time I need a little pick me up.
I know I need to get away and visit a relative for a while and I know that al i have to do is call my aunt and tell her how i'm feeling her home will be open to me. I've dropped hints to my husband before that i needed to get away for my sanity sake or I wouldn't have one left. he thinks i'm joking or just over reacting. I don't want to loose my marriage he the only thing I live for. I yearn for the days when it will be just him and I and we can get to learn each other all over again. I feel like we don't even know each other anymore. Our lives is about who is picking up the kids where, how we are going to pay for the groceries this week and what rx's need fill this week. I have crohn's disease, divitiulitus, diabetic, asthma, and crohnic fatigue. the medicines i'm on alone is enough to pay more then half our morgage. the meds my son on is on could pay the car payment each month. he is ad/hd, odd,ocd,bi-polar disorder,dislexia. my daughter is also on meds for her ad/hd, and mood disorder (they won't diag. her with bi polar yet but will soon. my other dd has tourettes and is being controlled with meds. two of the girls have allergies and the zyrtec, singular,flonaise,patenol, is also tak,ing a lot of out our budget not to mention my 16 year old has metal rods in her back that go from her neck to her waist because she has scoliosis. two of my girls also have scoliosis but theirs are only 5 degrees and 10 degreese. so we have to make regular trips to Johns Hopkins to have them checked evry six months. this is just the tip of the ice burg that is breaking away from the large body of ice that i call my llife.
If you've read this far then you know why there is a tree or a wall or a bridge out there with my name on it calling me daily, and it is a daily fight not to find it and to just give it. I'm almost at the point where the pain is out weighting the guilt.
Libby

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yes she took care of it. she is now waiting on a new court daate. I sure hope she learned her lesson about drinking and driving I reminded her that her niece is now driving and she could have been on the same road as her.
she is mad at me but she'll get over it.
my friend was a big help and i appreciate it.
i'm actually at her house dog sitting for the night. so it nice and quiet.
libby
Libby,
As I always stress, it is good that you are getting out and getting a few things done. That can be very difficult in the midst of a depression.
I'm sorry to
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