i know i should be here for you...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
i know i should be here for you...
5
Tue, 10-17-2006 - 2:21pm
but I'm not in a place to read things that might be triggering. I'll try again later.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 8:42pm

Hi Amanda.

I've been away from the board for a few weeks. I wanted to send out some love and support to you. I've been reading your updates just now and I notice how hard you work to take care of others. Take this post for example, you're worrying about us when you're having so much on your plate already. You're such a caring person.

But do you take care of yourself too? You deserve to.

This was weird, I asked a psychic what my purpose in life was recently, and she said, "To learn to take care of yourself." I was blown away. At first I was really disappointed with that answer- what a pitiful purpose! And isn't it selfish to take care of myself? But then thinking about it I realize I don't take that great care of myself and it is an interesting idea. I still hope it's not my purpose in life but maybe she meant I have to do that first before I can be healthy enough to deal with other things.

I don't have an eating disorder now but food is a good example. I tend to eat junk or whatever is fastest and easiest- and make the elaborate meals for DH or guests. (Sound familiar?) Last month, I started a new job and have been occasionally making a real breakfast- an omelet and muffin or fried egg and toast, for example- just for me. I never did that before just for me- I thought it was'nt worth it. But I kind of like it sometimes and I'm not lightheaded during the day. Food has a symbolism of nuturing and caretaking, and even love- feeding yourself or denying yourself food can be symbolic of how you nuture yourself in general.

I realized that I don't take care of myself but I hope and expect to get it from DH, and he's not nuturing, so I end up feeling very neglected. The feelings of neglection turn into anger at DH for not taking care of me, and even hatred. Of course that triggers major fights, which makes me feel worse. Eventually I wind up feeling sad and depressed. Then I get to the point where I think, "If I do this for him he'll love me enough to treat me better" and I go out of my way for him, and he doesn't know why so never pays it back or reacts the way I want him to. And back to square one in the sad game.

I realized we women have been taught that taking care of others is the key to happiness- and it's a lie. We have been taught that a good woman takes care of everyone but herself - and that is a lie. We have been taught that if we take care of someone, they will pay it back by taking care of us- and that is a lie. We have been taught that we can earn love from anyone and "fix" any relationship by caretaking and nuturing- lies, lies! We have been taught that the ONLY way to be loved is to work ourselves to death...sometimes literally starving ourselves to death... putting everyone else first and sacrificing our own needs- perhaps the biggest lie of all.

Starvation symbolizes the ultimate sacrifice, being the ultimate good girl. I have zero needs, am I lovable yet?

I know I may be repeating myself, I just wanted to express that you deserve to take care of yourself too. You spend so much energy on others- reading your to do lists exhausted me. And if you look back on them- most of them revolve around helping others! Tutoring, leading girl guides, cooking Thanksgiving dinner, wow. You seem really busy and have such a full plate. What would happen if you spent even half of that time and energy on self care?

Anyway, I just wanted to send you a hug and let you know that I care about you, because I do.




Edited 10/19/2006 9:01 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 10:13pm

Heyyyyy Blue,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 4:54pm

Thank you blue. It is always nice to hear from you.


Thank you for saying that I am a help to others hear. Sometimes you need that validation, you know. And yes I do worry and think about you all despite how I feel. Sometimes I can't read the triggering posts but always know (everyone) that I am thinking about you.


I think you are right that "take care of yourself" is just the first step in your life purpose. Plus you can't make a difference in someone else's life until you can take care of yourself. And I know you have great things ahead of you. So do take care of yourself.



I don't have an eating disorder now but food is a good example. I tend to eat junk or whatever is fastest and easiest- and make the elaborate meals for DH or guests. (Sound familiar?) Last month, I started a new job and have been occasionally making a real breakfast- an omelet and muffin or fried egg and toast, for example- just for me. I never did that before just for me- I thought it was'nt worth it. But I kind of like it sometimes and I'm not lightheaded during the day. Food has a symbolism of nuturing and caretaking, and even love- feeding yourself or denying yourself food can be symbolic of how you nuture yourself in general.


Yes it sounds familiar. I made a huge thanksgiving dinner for my brother and his roommate, not thinking anything of myself. Although, I did have a sense of accomplishment at this fact. I even prepared a ham and I don't eat meat, so it was something that I had to research. Then I scheduled everything out and put it in order so everything was ready at or near the same time and it worked out wonderfully.


I'm glad that you are taking the time to make breakfast just for you. That is definately a step towards good self-care.


I know that I am not taking good care of myself by not eating, but I've been trying to get a little better by trying to eat or have a Boost 3 times a day. So far the boost is the most calories on my list as I eat safe foods that I can digest like applesauce and pudding. Tonight I'm going to try to eat "real" foods. I plan on having a veggie bologna roll on a tortilla. We'll see how that goes. Part of me hopes I can do it and keep it down, but the eating disorder part of me of course hopes it doesn't stay down.



I realized we women have been taught that taking care of others is the key to happiness- and it's a lie. We have been taught that a good woman takes care of everyone but herself - and that is a lie. We have been taught that if we take care of someone, they will pay it back by taking care of us- and that is a lie.


Yes that is an important realization to come to, a tough one but the truth and sometimes we just need the cold hard truth.



Starvation symbolizes the ultimate sacrifice, being the ultimate good girl. I have zero needs, am I lovable yet?


Yes it is a sacrifice I suppose, or maybe a form of self-punishment. I definately strove to be the ultimate good girl growing up. Still, I keep wondering what caused me to be the anorexic I am today.


SA trigs


Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 7:34pm

Hi again Amanda,

From "meeting" you here on this board I know you are an amazing, thoughtful, intelligent, hardworking, and loving person. I'm really sorry you have so much to deal with becuase you sure don't deserve it. But I know you'll get through it because you really are a special person and you always keep trying, and that matters a lot in the long run.

I bet your Thanksgiving dinner was great! It is a lot of work to cook a big meal, and it can be fun (and fun to eat too.)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 7:42pm

Hi Lori! Good to "see" you again. I'll post an update.




Edited 10/23/2006 7:46 pm ET by bluerains