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| Fri, 10-20-2006 - 6:53pm |
It got bad today. i was fine while i was at my friends house. i took the little one that i watch out to lunch and then took her home and spent a few minutes with their famiy before they went to their sons football game. I got a flat tire today found a nail in it and the little ones father fixed it for me.
on the way home i got calls form my kids fighting again, i got a call from my husband because he is working and he can't handle the problems while at work.
I walk in my front door to the kids carrying on some of the them fighting and just plain ignoring me. i tell them to quiet down get their chores doene. I go into my bathroom and clean it to give me something to do. the fights continue minor things that they just have to bug me about. one of my dd's tells me my sil is mad at me for sticking my nose in her business. I spend some time with my nephew playing with him and just trying to handle the stress and ignore what is going on around me. the nurse told me they had been like that all day long. we had the police at our house last night because one of the nurse's x boyfriend showed up and wouldn't leave and threatened her. ok this is starting to sound like a soap opera but that isn't even the beginning.
to make a looooooong story a litttle bit shorter my dh comes home to take my dd to soccer pratctice he tells the girls to do their chores and to go to their room the whole time they are snickering behind his back laughing and just plain lieing to him. i can't take it anymore i grab my keys and head to the drive way his car is blocking mine so i ask him to move and he says hold on whgats going on i told him the same thing thats been going on for months. he is taking his time getting my dd and son in the car so i just drove across my front lawn. i was driving through the state park and spotted my "tree" it is too crowded right now and i know i will hurt someone else. i'm a chicken when it comes to pain but i have enough pain pills diabetic meds and phyciatric dugs to kill a horse. so i came back to the house again them snickering and laughing at me. i'm going to grab some blankets and pillows and find a place to park. i know that sometime tonight I will be dropping my rope and then hopefully god will forgive me and let me go and be with my grandmother and my baby that i lost back in 1985.
I honestly do think that with me totally gone he will be able to get the kids under control. maybe it will be a wake up cal to him and he will be able to help them and stop the chain from there. i don't know i don't care i just can't do it anymore.
I told him i wanted to go to my aunts hous ein south carolina but he wouldn't give me the money to go. but if i did go he would get me for abandonment or if i met him somewhere to get the monoey he would have the police with him and i'd be locked up in a hospital again somewhere and i tellyou i WILL NOT ever go back there again.
i'm sorry i'm rambling again. i'm going to grab my blankets and my pillows until i find the spot and time i feel it is right to join my grandmother and my baby.
Libby

Hi Libby,
We're glad you've found this wonderful community!
Hi Libby,
I'm so sorry things have been so hard there. It sounds incredibly stressful. But this is not the answer. Your kids need you, even if it doesn't seem like it sometimes...your death would only leave a huge hole in their hearts and in the world that nothing could ever fill. Once you get to feeling better, you can help them through this stressful time too..and you need to be alive to do that.
And you can get to feeling better...I so wish I could come over to wherever you are and keep you safe, but unfortunately only you can make the call or go to the ER now, as much as you don't want to. Or at least let someone close to you know how bad things are right now and ask them to stay with you...and try to make a promise to yourself that you will hang on through this night, just one minute at a time if necessary, because tomorrow really can bring better things.
Please hold on...keep posting, keep talking, and hang in there.
Hugs,
Rose
Libby,
I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling so low.
Please know that we are here for you.
Know that your suicide will not help your kids, only make things harder. You are a much better mother than you know.
Please hang in there and respond to me as soon as possible.
Call one of the resources listed at the top of the message board, please!
IF i call someone i get locked up again and i will NOT do that.
after driving around i got some wine cooler parked my car at the shcool near by and tried to read a book and listen to the radio of course it's all sad songs that just make you cry more.
my 9 year old called me on the phone and left a message that tonight she lost a tooth and wanted me to know. even she has become nastier and nastier. i know it's rubbing off from teh other kids to her. so after laying in my ar for a while i finally went home parked my car up the street drank a few wine coolers ( I won't drink and drive) and just sat there for a few. I came home just in time to see a cop car pulling out of my drive which totally ticked me off. I went back to my car and called my dh and told him i was ocming home till i saw the cop car. he said he swore he didn't call them. he doesn't know why they were in my drive. he said they didn't come to the door. so after a little bit longer i walked home. I came in and he is sitting on the couch with the 3 youngers ones 9 10 and 11 watching tv the oldest isn't home and the other two 15 and 16 the ones that are giving me the most problems one is watching tv (she has no tv prilidges nad has to have a pass word to even get on the tv) and the other is sitting on the computer on my space again you have to have a password to get onto the computer. so how the hell did they get the paswords hmmmm only one person in this house they could have gotten it from and it sure as hell wasn't me.
earlier on the phone he told me that if i came home he would send the two girls to live with his mother. i don't want that either. my nephew lived with his mother and he is now 21 with a record his girlfriend pregnent and can't keep hold a job. as much as i can't stand my kids i don't want them to live with her. i think it would be best all around if i wasn't here.
sometimes i think that with all the money problems we have if i were to die he would collect the life ins. even though it is suicide our life ins. states that he would get half. that is a lot of money that he could take are of the bills and get cought up on.
I hate myself i hate mylife nad i hate everone around me.
i told my husband today that we have been married almost twenty years and i can't remember the last time he told me he loves me , held my hand kissed me or showed any expresio of love toward me that is what is tearing me up inside. to know how much my kids hate me and that he can't stand to be around me either.
tonight I came back because i just didn't have the guts to do it.
I took a handful of pills a several years ago and right now all i can remember about feeling at that time was the satisfacation the sense of accomplishment. The knowning that the pain will end. Then i remember waking up and seeing my aunts face and her telling me how stupid I was. I tried putting that behind me and thinking about how stupid it was but now i'm just remembering that feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. it is taking everything i have right at this minute not to pick up that lunch bag i keep my meds in and not taking everysingle one of them. me sitting here just typing to people i don't know makes me feel even more helpless and stupid ubt at least it is keeping me from grabbing them. i look over at the bag and i'm haviang a war with myself. do i or don't i. should i or shouldn't i should i drive somewhere where i won't be found and let them take their effect i won't do it here i do have enough respect for my kids that i won't do that to them. i won't let them find my body. I think of what my funeral will be like. I odn't want one. i just want it done and over with. i don't want people coming to look at my dead body and saying i wish i knew. i wish i could have done something. i've told enough people how much i'm hurting that someone should be listening but they aren't.
god always says that he won't give you more then you can handle. but i think if there really is a god he forgot about me. he forgot about me the day i was born. maybe there isn't a god. maybe we are all just wishful thinking. I went to church every sunday and every wednesday. i joined the youth groups went to summer camp with the church. i did all the church STUFF so why is he leaving me in this hell on earth. what did i do to deserve to live like this to feel like this. if only i knew what it was i'd go back and change it. could i have donesomething in another life and he is making me pay now. how stupid does that sound? I believed in god i loved god i accepted god. I lost my first baby girl to him and i trusted him to take care of her then he took my grandmother and i knew my grandmother was taking care of my baby girl. now i'm not so sure. is my grandmother just laying in a box turning to dirt. is my baby just in a trashbag in a landfill somewhere. what will happen to my body when i die i don't want funerals and flowers and people crying for me. i did enough crying for myself
my grandmother always told us, if you can't bring me flowers when i'm alive don't bring them to me when i'm dead. she loved yellow roses. i too love yellow roses. i joke with my dh and my kids and say you know my grandma used to say and i repeat her words. i don't wan t them to go out and buy me flowers it makes my heart smile when they usedc to pick the little dandilions from the yard and bring them to me and tell me they loved me.
even from my 9 year old i'll get i love you and a kiss good night then in the next breath i'll get a nasty remark a nasty look or a i hate you. i honestly know that kids do that stuff and your not stupoded to let it get to you but when my kids write me hate notes and put them under my bedroom door or on my pillow how can i not take it personally.
how can yoou not take it personally when you are standing there for you husband to give you a kiss goodbye in the morning and he walks around you. how can it not get to you when he tells you when you are having sex that he didn't know he was doing it that ht was doing it in his sleep. how would that make any women feel. but then again i don't consider myself a woman. i'm 41 years old and i cna't look at myself as a woman i think of my self as a person or a girl. why is it that i can't think of myself as a woman? i've always wondered that!
wow i can't believe i've gone on like this and i know that you guys haven't even gotten this far. it's eleven oclock at night the kids are still up the tv's going the radios going and i've been down here for over 30 minutes has he come to say one word to me no nothing. I dn't want to get off of here right now because i know i will start having negative thoughts and bad feelings again and just thinking to myself just take one now two fo them now put ten in your hand you can do it. now the bottle only a few swigs of water and the handful will go down easily. i'm listening to the noise the jumping above my head and i can't stand it anymore why can't they just go to bed why can't he just say enough is enough.
I have a bright green lunch bag from the dollar store nad it is filled to the max with meds and it's just taking so much will power not to swing them down with a wine cooler. it's too late to call anyone. the only "friend" i would call is a cop and her husband is a cop and they are both in bed and i know what they would do. i'd be in a hospital in two seconds flat. my sister in law who lives with me is working she is a bar tender. the nurse is upstairs with my nephew working with mim and my dh is watching one of his stupid murder mystery shows. like who killed this person and how they figured out how they did it. once i joked with him and i asked him if he was taking notes or something on how to get rid of me and not get caught. he got mad at me and said that wasn't a joke. but sometimes i swear why does he watch those all the time it's depressing.
well i've made this long enough i'm going to have another wine cooler and look at some of those links that someone sent me.
Libby
Hi Robin,
i'm still here. i just packed up my car and i'm going to my friends for the day. i can't stay in this house by myself with these kids. when my dh gets home from the kids soccer games and he tells me he is going to be home all day and IF he wants me to come home i'll come home but not until i know he is here.
my son is upstairs screaming stomping nd throwing things because he wants the tv on and i won't turn it on for him. it has a password and you can't turn it on with out that password. so no i'm not giving it to im.
i'm going to myy friends house i'm going to wash my laundry while i'm there to give me something to do. play with her dogs and wait for my dh to all and tell me he wants me to come home.
today i'm taking it hour by hour and i'm keeping my pills close by just incase i need them but far enough away that i don't see them and am tempted every minute of the day.
there is no where else for me to get help. i wo't call someone so they can trace me or find me and put me in a hospital somwher I WON"T do it. if i get even a hint or a sniff of someone doing that to me then i wiill have no choice but to do what I need to do to keep them from me.
how did you know my name is Robin?
LIBBY
Hey there,
because post on other bo9ards i prefer Libby. it was my grandmothers nickname.
I've talked to my phyciatrist and he said he would like me to to an er and be admited and i told him no i'd prefer to work through this with out the hospital.
i left my house again ( i spent the night in the car in my drive way) i got up got dressed got some cloths together had a long talk with my sil and i put some dirty clothes (mine) in the back of my truck and i went to my friends house. she isn't home she is at her sons football game. her and her husband have told me that i can stay here as long as i need to but i don't want them to know how despirate and serious i am because then as cops they would be liable to get me to a hospital and i WON"T WON"T WON"T go again.
I'm doing some laundry sitting on her porch with her dogs and drinking a wine cooler ( swear i'm not a drinking but the last few days i h ave been). after this load is done i'll put another in take a shower and put the last loead in and i'm going to go to sleep.
I've been trying to call my husbands cell phone but he won't answer it. i called the house and he wouldn't pick up. i sat there listening to the kids talk for 45 minutes. i finally got enough and hung up I called right back and one of my dd's answered the phone i asked her to ask her dad if he would talk to me he said he isn't talking to anyone. I told her to tell him we really needed to talk and he said no. so i'm down more then i was before. I took my bag of pills and locked them in my car i'm going to take a ambien and go to sleep for a few hours and see if things are better. I don't know where i'll be tjhis afternoon, this evening or at all.
Libby