All I can (poss trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
All I can (poss trigs)
5
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 11:44pm

I have been having a hard time the past few weeks. This week it culminated in my having destructive thoughts about just having an accident with car. My own feeling of shame came to my rescue---not only could I kill myself, but someone else, so did not do it. But had an odd feeling that I just might.

I feel horrible about wanting to do this. I am a person who would be missed--my life is not perfect, but whose is?? I feel bad for wanting to end my life when so many would trade places with me. I cannot even know what is happening, I feel I am in a dreamlike state that can be pleasant at times, but turns on me and becomes something toxic.

I am doing all I can to keep myself alive through this--I have dropped weight that did not need to be dropped bc I have been exercising quite a bit. It is the only thing that truly helps. Anti-ds just add to the problem. My parents both had a MI, and I feel I am just screwed as far as ever being normal---it just isn't in it for me, the genes are too strong and am tired of fighting it...

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 10-27-2006 - 12:08pm

Hi there and welcome to the board--though I'm sorry you are struggling so as to need it! I think you will find this a safe supportive place and so I hope you'll allow us to get to know you--and vice versa!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 11:16am

Thanks for your response. The anti-d that worked best for me was Lexapro. I am an old user of anti-ds, beginning in the mid 1980s when I was hospitalized for five weeks with major depression (yes, they used to keep people in the hospital longer, and while that did have its disadvantages, it gave the drs a decent look at how treatment was progressing. I think treatment for MI today just sucks bigtime...OK, that's another topic). I have take tricyclics, began Prozac when it was brand new on market and you name, I have done it. They work for awhile, and I feel great, but then they lose effectiveness. Still, I should probably look at the new stuff. My ins doesn't cover Lexapro, but maybe something else would work.

I have a card I carry with me in my wallet that I can give to someone if am in crisis. I nearly called suicide hotline the other night, and have the number. I was seeing a therapist recently, really liked her, so should probably return to that. I know I am needing help, but this depression seems different from previous ones--not so jarring, but certainly as dangerous. I don't cry and get emotional, but feel spacy as though I were under a spell....weird, I know, but that's what it feels like.

Again, thanks for your help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 1:27pm

Hey there,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 8:16pm

Thanks so much for explaining what is happening to me. I have heard of "depersonalization"--I did this as a child bc my mom was abusive, I would just zone out during and after the abuse. I became very good at doing this, and I guess it is very much hardwired into my psyche as a way of coping. I wish people understood how sensitive kids can be--that repeated abuse leads to terrible problems down the road. I even recall not wanting to be alive as a kid---no child should feel that way, ever!

I had a therapist who had a saying, "Childhood is the first trail that leads to the main road." I thought that very wise, and quite true. Of course, she also told me, "You can also exit any highway at any time..." I called my therapist yesterday and have an appt for Tues---it's great they fit me in so soon.

thanks for your support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 10-28-2006 - 9:26pm

Hey there,


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