I'm back and I'm sorry

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
I'm back and I'm sorry
11
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 5:00pm

I just got out of the hospital today. It was not very beneficial, and people expect to get better, isn't that that point of going in the hospital? My inpatient pdoc doesn't seem to think so. She sees "Borderline Personality" and nothing else matters, it's just a maladaptive coping mechanism and I've got to get out of therapy and start living. I have to find my "sense of self". Not very helpful. I should have just stuck with my outpatient pdoc's plan (they let me leave the hospital to see her) and maybe I wouldn't have just wasted a week of my life for nothing. She seems to think that the perphenazine is enough of a mood stabilizer without the lamictal that I was on or the lithium that my own pdoc suggested. She took me off of the amitriptyline which was my antidepressant and now I'm wondering if I just didn't give it a chance, that I jumped the gun when a trigger sent me on this downward spiral. My pdoc also was going to keep me on a low dose of that to help with my stage 4 sleep which is why I don't feel rested and my fibro is acting up. My impatient pdoc was a real piece of work! Why do we have people like this working the system? The nurses were much better. They talked and listed to me, supporting me in every way they can. They are the ones that see us all day every day so they get to know us a bit better, whereas the pdoc thought she knew me before she even met me. She had her mind made up and it didn't matter what I said.

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co-cl of the Self-Injury board


co-cl of the Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings board


cl of the Borderline Personality Disorder board

Amanda

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 1:16am

I read your profile and I looked at your picture. you are a very pretty women.

Libby

I wish you would have goten better treatment while you where in hospital. i'm afraid to go back. i couldnt stand to be with the other patients. most of them were drug addicts and were using it a a way to be out of the cold. I have sleep apnea and i can't sleep on a little twin size bed like that. i stop breathing in my sleep. i sleep with a lot of pillows to prop me up becaue of my crohns disease also. I just felt that i had no control over anything at all when i was in the hospital. i got tired of the fights and arguring with the in patients. If i could go and not have to deal with all the patient crap i may be able to handle a hospital visit but not the way it was the last time.
i went in on a friday and by monday morning the regular doctor told me he didn't even know why i was there i didn't need to be.

I am awake at 2 in the morning because my phone kept ringing and ringing over and over and i finally answered it because i thought something was wrong or someone was hurt but it was my drug addicted alcaholic sil (not the one that was living with us) wanting to know what happened and why my mil was so upset. I asked her if it couldn't wait till moring and she said no she wanted to know now so i told her i'd call her in the morning. she said no now. i hung up and she kept calling and calling. i have a hous full of sleeping cildren and my dh. so she must be drunk again or on something so i had to take the phone off the hook and now 'm too agitated to sleep. i thought i'd come here and read a little and ee if i could go back to sleep but it doesn't look like it. so far tonights i've gotten 5 comfortors and 6 blankets washed (my son pee's to bed every single ight) and i've gotten behind on the bed clothes so while i'm awake and agitated i'm washing laundry yea lucky me!!!!

libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 8:30am

Hey Amanda,

I've wondered how you are. I've missed you. I've had that happen to me when I've gone i/p too. I simply went back to my pdoc and had her put me back on what I needed to be on, and not what they had me on. Ugh. Now, my pdoc is gone, and I have this other chick who I do NOT like. Sucks.

As for getting out of therapy and start living...well, that's exactly what I did. I can say its not easy, but it helps a lot.

I hope you're okay.

Love you,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:46pm

Amanda,

I'm really mad at your doctor, to waste your time like that! Why would someone even want to become a pysch doctor if they feel that way? How useless!

I know I sound like a broken record but doctors have failed me a lot so I know how it feels. It's so frusterating! It's humiliating when they act like it's all in your mind and don't even give you a chance. Doctors have done that to me a lot because I have these health problems that aren't so easy to diagnose. So it's almost like they don't want to bother and it's easier for them to say it's all in my mind. And THEN they bill me over a hundred dollars for that useless advice!

You did the right thing though- you tried to find a safe place. If you can complain about this doctor, I think you should. I wish I had submitted complaints in the past but I never did and I regret it.

No matter what, it's good to see you again and I hope you have a good weekend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:46pm
I did the same thing. I went back to my pdoc the next day and went with her original plan of adding lithium. She wanted to put me on luvox also but they had put me on effexor in the hospital and i'm going to give it a shot.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 2:48pm
I wish i had taken down the number for the risk management person who deals with complaints and comments. I have to go back to finish my pottery so i'll get it then.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 6:45pm

I think nurses are truly the backbone of the healthcare system. I have no clue what any type of doc does anymore, except give out meds. They often do not even do proper testing, they just assume a med will work and hand it out. They are just there to evaluate the patient and subscribe. Ok,maybe not all, but most all like that...

You'll just have to sit quietly for an hour or so and think this through. What kind of help are you seeking? Medication? Cognitive therapy? Alt medicine? A combination? Maybe find a nurse who is also a therapist, since you seemed to find them helpful. Being in the hospital sucks; it sucks worse when you feel it was not useful...hope things get better.

PS--I have been spending quite a bit of my time soul searching, which is very painful, but very enlightening. I keep thinking the world "attention seeking", and now I wonder if my inner self is trying to tell me something. That's why I suggest you find some quiet time to think and maybe that will lead somewhere...though I suspect you are smart enough to have done this already.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 11-03-2006 - 10:16pm

I have been in the same boat as you were in and that is why I refuse to go inpatient ever again unless it I am ordered by the courts, I am sorry that it didnt help much but at least you have made it through the tough part of it and i know you will continue to do well lean on all of us and we will be here for ya.

mary

Mary
Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 8:44am

Oh Amanda, what an awful experience. I hope you don't mind me jumping in but I just dropped by your board and I read your post. It really touched my heart, especially when you said they told you to find your "sense of self". Doesn't that seem so elusive? It's as if we grasp for these drugs just to slow our minds down so we can do just that, find ourselves.


I totally agree with no1noes, IMO the way to Self is found through introspection.

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:37pm

Thanks no1noes,


Luckily my pdoc outside the hospital is great.


Yes I use a bit of therapy, medical help and alternative therapies. I think I need to get more into the therapy side of things with my pdoc though, although since the med changes this past week I'm sure that will be the focus for a while.


I don't know what you are suggesting I'm looking for in my soul searching but believe me I'm always doing it.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 12:41pm

Thanks Mary,


Yes it is hard to have any faith in the inpatient system when it has failed me so many times, but what else is there to do when your personal therapy is not enough? I did get through the SU part but that had nothing to do with the doc there. She did nothing to help me. It was the nurses and my own work that got me through. I can't say I'm completely over it but I'm staying with my friend who is helping to keep me safe, take my meds, eat etc.


Thanks for your support.


Hugs,

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Amanda

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