off topic but feel safe here & need advi
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off topic but feel safe here & need advi
| Fri, 11-03-2006 - 10:56pm |
A
Edited 9/12/2009 1:41 pm ET by alsmith32
Edited 9/12/2009 1:41 pm ET by alsmith32
| Fri, 11-03-2006 - 10:56pm |
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Hi Allie,
Hi Allie,
This is a tough one! I am not going to judge you either but I'm also against cheating. Because if DH ever cheated on me, it would break my heart more than anything else ever could.
I've thought about it and decided if I was ever tempted that bad I'd divorce DH first and then go be with the new guy. So, how does that idea sound to you? If it fills you with horror, think twice about what you're risking here.
Do you love your DH or not? Is he a good husband, does he love you and treat you with love?
I also am suspicious of people who hit on married people. It means you can't trust them, they have no patience, they don't care about you enough to put you first and wait until you get a divorce. I don't trust this guy...I worry he may be playing you or using you.
About the libido thing...are you on any meds, including birth control? Becuase meds can destroy a woman's libido! I bet it is the meds, and a side effect. Birth control pills are notiorious for doing that- ironic, isn't it? And I'm pretty sure other types of meds could do that too.
"But one of my issues leading to all this was my continuing fantasy of being rescued. From life I guess. Not really a rescue from suicide but just someone to swoop me up and save me."
I feel the same way! Sadly, it never happened to me. I am jealous of people who have been rescued, I know a lot of women who are totally taken care of by some man and I'm really jealous of it. My DH expects me to pull my weight and more, in fact sometimes I've had a job while he was unemployed. Blah! I totally know how you feel on this. But I don't think this guy is the one to take care of you- you need someone honest and reliable.
"The bizarre thing is, I feel like this has been such a wonderful thing for me because I actually felt sexual desire, something that had not happened for me in a long long time."
OK, I'm gonna guess that 98% of this is the "forbidden", "taboo", "fantasy" aspect of the situation. If you moved in with this guy and argued over who was going to take out the trash, and saw him lying around watching tv while you cleaned the house, or whatever annoying habits he must have, I'm sure your desire would level off pretty quick. I'm NOT trying to say it's hopeless with your libido- but I don't think an affair is the answer.
Allie, I hope you don't feel judged or bad from any of this post. I've always liked you on this board and I'm not judging you now. I just don't want you to get hurt.
If it's possible, I suggest you get an emergency appt. with your therapist. This is really, really important and I don't think you should wait until your next appointment.
Just as a thought- what if your DH finds out, kicks you out, and you were to show up at this guy's door with all your suitcases and tell him you had no where to go and need to move in? I'm not saying you would have to do that, it's just a good idea to think about how he would react if it were to happen. Does he REALLY care about you and will he take the consequences of his actions? Or does he just think you're hot and likes the excitement of it all?
My advice is- stop contacting this guy, get an appt. with your T, and keep talking about this with people you trust. Keep thinking about what would be best for you in the long run.
Edited 11/4/2006 12:56 pm ET by bluerains
Edited 9/12/2009 1:40 pm ET by alsmith32
Allie,
I'm not judging this because I already liked you and cared about you and that won't change- I still do. I'm sure your therapist will feel the same. There's a difference between judging an action and a person.
I don't believe feeling suicidal is a sin. I'm sure God understands.
You're a good person and this will work out and be OK. I do think it's time for some quick damage control, because the longer this goes on, the more likely DH will find out, and the messier and more painful it will be for everyone in the end.
Do you think this happened becuase you're unhappy with your marriage or DH in some way? Do you hide your suicidal feelings from him because you don't trust him, or because he's not supportive? Do you feel like you need someone to know and love the real you?
What do you need that this guy gave you, besides just feeling physical desire. Whatever it is, you deserve to get it- in a healthy, honest way. There must be something you need, that you're not getting out of your daily life or relationships. I think that is the key.
This does prove there is hope for your libido. I think it goes to show that 90% of getting turned on is psychological- the mind affects the body. If you did it once, you can do it again, in a healthier situation.
I'm not saying you have to give this guy up if it turns out to be true love. But if it is true love, then I think you need to get a divorce and be open about it ASAP. Guilt is a terrible feeling, and you don't need any drama and trauma now.
Edited 11/4/2006 3:11 pm ET by bluerains
Edited 9/12/2009 1:40 pm ET by alsmith32
"Plus, he seems concerned that I am even hanging onto this. He has emailed me just everyday stuff. Nothing that personal."
Ouch, sounds like a player. Or, he really doesn't want to ruin your marraige. Could be either reason.
"I just wish ... I feel like if he said that he cared about me, that I was special, etc., etc., then I could move on and it would be kind of complete."
You are special and the people who matter know it. I think if he got all emotional and sentimental it would actually be harder for you becuase it would complicate things. Althought, it's natural to WANT those things at this point, it's probably for the better that he's being neutral.
Edited 11/4/2006 5:19 pm ET by bluerains
Hi Allie,
Edited 9/12/2009 1:40 pm ET by alsmith32
Guilt is a very destructive emotion, so try not to let it consume you. Dr. Robin said something interesting about guilt. She said something to the effect of: Guilt is an excuse to avoid changing or apologizing and making amends for whatever you did. Guilt makes us feel better (in a twisted way) but it doesn't help the people we hurt one bit. So if you feel guilty that's a signal to- don't do that thing that made you feel guilty again. That's all.
And eventually you may want to apologize and make amends to your DH, but only at the right time.
"Here I have spent over a year in therapy to deal with my libido/marital issues"
So you haven't been happy with your marraige for awhile.
"I am THE most responsible person, normally. Always the responsible one. Responsible at work, with kids, etc., etc. People are always telling me to loosen up or lighten up."
Ah, I'm the same way. As they say, "watch out for the quiet ones". When you force yourself to be perfect for too long eventually all the rebellion and needs will overflow and demand to be heard.
Nothing happens in a vaccum, there are so many things that lead up to this and contributed to it. You didn't just "go off the deep end", you've been doing as well as you could for a long time and probably didn't feel like you got enough back from the effort you put into being responsible, a good wife, etc.
"I always like to make things hard for myself - thinking that I could do this and then just jump back to normal life without a backward glance. I should have known better,"
But was your normal life fulfilling you in the first place?
I don't think you can or should forget this happened, but it could be a catalyst for positive change in your life somehow. It happened for reasons, and if you can analyze and understand those reasons you're on your way to a better future.
Edited 11/5/2006 3:42 pm ET by bluerains
I know the feeling of needing to be rescued. It kept me in my "sick role" for years. I still struggle with it now. Some would say it's a need for attention which I half agree and half disagree with. I disagree because I spent so long hiding my problems and not wanting attention, but I do agree that we all need attention and love in our lives, but not necessarily for those things. Yes it is good to have someone who can care and empathize, and this board is a great place to do it. I'm glad you feel safe here. What I was told during my "sick" phase was to find things other than my illness that I like, something to define me other than being bipolar or any of the numerous dx's I've been given.
I'm glad to hear the suicidal thoughts are on the back burner. That's all I ask of myself too. I know that they are not instantly going to go away forever and that be it, but when they are not at the forefront it makes life a whole lot easier.
What is so wrong about you wanting to be with this guy? We know that sometimes we desire things outside of our relationships and I'm not going to condem you for it. You said it has helped your sex drive with your
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