I don't want to be alone tonight!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
I don't want to be alone tonight!
9
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 4:12pm

My dh and i had our appt. today. well you can guess by my title how things went.

after him telling the therapist that he felt he was married to a teenager and that the only reason we are married is because of the kids. well you can guess how i'm feeling right now!

i'm not saying that he didn't see a glimmer of hope but i'm feeling pretty hopeless right now.

I feel not so much as the victim but as the bad guy as the "patient" do you know what i mean.

I feel as the problems are both ours and we need to handle them together and that we have our own seperate problems! well from what I gather what he is thinking and feeling is that i'm the one who is broken and isn't repairable!

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 7:53pm

Hi Libby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 10:39pm

Hi Lori, before i read your post my dh came home from work and had one of the kids call me out to the car. I didn't want to see him because i knew he would know right away that i had been crying all day. I told the kids i had a cold and they accepted that. well atleast the little ones did anyway. He called me from the drive way and asked me what was wrong and why I was crying. he was taking one of our dd's and his SIL and going to a concert tonight and i was trying to hide my feelings so i wouldn't ruin it for them. but ofcourse after being married for almost 20 years he knows when i have a cold and when i've been crying. all day the more i thought about what he said the more upset i got. so we ended up talking on the phone and he told me that he needed to be able to say what he was feeling in the meetings and if i was going to get upset like this then he didn't want to go because he would be afraid to say anything so as not to upset me. I told him that what he said today hurt me to the core and to leave it at the meeting ws very hard to do.

I do feel as the therapist ws fair. it hink i can work with her. when i told her someof the things we were dealing with as a family unit i could see the surprise in her face and i could see she was trying to hide her surprise. She told us that we have big problems and then we need to keep coming as a couple for a while if we chose. she told us that it isn't going to fix itself overnight because these things have been going on for twenty years.

one of our main issues is the disrespect from the kids towards both of us but mainly me right now and i feel that they treat me the way they do because they havelistened to him and watched him over the years. she also told me that one of the reasons they don't respect me is because i'm probally not following up with the threats and they are empty threats. she said the kids will kind of beat against you like a wall until it gives in and that i've proabbly given in some much that they don't believe my threats or dh's.

I told her yes i feel like a wall like a piece of dry wall without any support beams behind it or not so much as no support beams but kind of like a 1 X 1 instead of a 2X4 which is what i need. I told her i feel that i don't have the energy or the emotional to hold the wall up on my own and i need more of his support right now to get me through the weaker points. and right now this is my weaker point.

as i've been sitting here thinking today i'm feeling abandoned. I'm wondering if the reason i'm feeling abandoned is because of my childhood. when ever my father got fed up with my mother or the family life he would just take off and be gone days, weeks sometimes months at a time and at one point up to a year. when my mother couldn't handle life anymore she would cut her wrist or take sleeping pills or just drink excessivly. i think i've learned from childhood that when things get tough to run as that is what my parents did and that is what we did as kids. we ran and hid somewhere until the war was calm or over. It never ended.

i've gotten a better relationship with my father over the years because we just don't talk about what happened when we were kids or if i do mention something he blames it on my mother. my mom died at age 59 from dimentia and we never got to resolve anything.
my father just moved in the beginning of sept and i don't know where he is. and that is when my feelings of lost and abandonment started. I can't find him i know about what county he moved to and he isn't a very big person on keeping in contact so i think he lost my number and we have moved so he probally doesn't remember the address either. my step mother should have kept that info but obviously she didn't.

i'm wondering if these feelings of abandonment and lost are being transferred to my dh and maybe i'm pushing him away because that is what i expect. i don't know it's just some thoughts i've had today.

Everytime I think about what he said i just get more and more upset.

after I posted earlier and i talked to my dh on the phone I decided to take one of my dd's out to dinner and to just go to some stores and look around. It was nice spending that time with her and just talking one on one. it helped me to keep my mind off of the things that were said, but when there is a lul in time i remember and then the tears come again.

I think the kids kinda know that things are bad with me today becuse they aren't giving me as hard a time as they were. they are still mouthy and hte dirty looks but atleast they are doing what i asked them too.

I guess i'm going to release a little bit more of personal info here.

My dh and i have been married almost 20 years and we have 6 kids. our oldest is 19 and our youngest is 9. we live in a 3 bedroom ranch house and it is a tight fit. everyone is ontop of everyone else and it's messy. just the laundry alone is a big problem for us because, well you can imagine laundry for 8 people is a LOT of laundry. plus we have one child who wets the bed everynight so the bed sheets and the wet stuff just doubles the laundry.

well i'm going to go and put another load in and read someone of the board.

Thank you so much for being here when i need someone.
I know everyone else here is struggling and i'm not responding to other posts. i'm reading but I feel ican't help myself right now how can i help someone else?

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 11:10am

Hi Libby,


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Registered: 10-15-2006
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 5:55pm

Hi Lori, What you have said made a lot of sense. I try to stand outside the picture and look at things, and see how they can change.

Yes each of my kids have chores. actually the probally right now is a big part of that. the kikds NOT doing their chores. he thinks that if they don't get done than i should do them. that it all falls back to me. i don't think that way. if they don't do their work out in the real world it's not going to fall back on their boss to get it done they will get fired. and this where i feel he doesn't back me up.

If the dishes need done and who's chore it is isn't doing them then i go to that person and tellt hem hey you need to do the dishes. they look at me with a blank expresion on their face. i come back 5 minutes later they are still watching tv on or the computer or what ever and i remind them again. then again 5 or 10 minutes later again and i'm giving them conseqences. turn the tv off now and do the dishes. then they argue stomp yell scream and just refuse to do it. if dh is home i call to him for back up and sometimes he backs me up sometimes he doesn't if he isn't home the job will not get done until it is a big arguement between me and the kids. right now i won't argue with them i tell them ok you can take it up with your father when he gets home, but that isn't fair to him to work all day and come home to a sink of dirty dishes. and then his response infront of them is yelling at them and making them do the dishes but he says to me infront of them "well it is your job and if they don't do it then you do it" well yes it is my job BUT i'm trying to teach them responsiblity and that is why they each have chores. i'm not strong enough right now emotionally to hold the stell wall in place and keep holding while they are pushing it. i feel like a piece of dry wall about to collapse because the support isn't strong enough.

what he doesn't seem to realise is that the comment he makes that it is my job is more damaging to them because the next time they are suppose to do their chore they are going to remember what he said about it being my job anyway and they are thinking well i'm not going to do it because dad says it's mom's job. do you know what i mean?

Today he let me sleep in a little. i woke up to fighting with two of the girls over making pancakes as he is dealing with that and they guy that came to clean the fireplace and trying to get kids ready for soccer tourniments. now i appreciate him letting me sleep in i really really do. But I went to the laundry room to put a load of clothes in the washer when i woke up and after i spent a long time seperating clothes for 8 plus people i found clothes that i had put in the dryer last night and clothes that i had put in the washer on the floor! now that just made my blood boil because this is what the kids do all the time!!!! i was boilig and i called all the kids together to ask them who had done it and of course NO ONE DID no one ever admits to doing something wrong. so i waited till dh was done with the chimney guy and i had them all together and i told him what was going on he said he did it. i'm like WHAT! i've beent rying to keep the kids from doing this and then you go do it!!! he said well there was no baskets and i was in a hurry. i told him yes there was. at this point he had to leave to take the kids to their game. so i waited till he got home and tried to show him the mess he made and explain to him that this is why i get so upset and then stop doing the laundry! he just made excuses for doing it. I showed him there was atleast 5 baskets that he could have put the dry clothes in and then put the wet ones in the dryer but of course it was an excuse why he couldn't do it so it turned into a screaming match. i didn't feel my point was getting across. we really got into a heated arguement at that point and i felt my breaking point was close where i was going to start screaming so i turned around and grabbed the washer and i was mad and i was trying to get myself together and then he threatened to call an ambulence! now at this point i'm close to my breaking point and he goes and says something like that and then i'm really really mad! that was totally uncalled for and i feel like he said it just to hurt me. We talked it out a little more or argued about it and then it got past the point of it wasn't about the clothes anymore it was about how I did't feel that he was getting my point and he was just screaming at me. and i kept telling him i'm sitting right here you don't have to scream! he said he was screaming because he was upset i told him well when i scream you threaten to call an ambulence on me! so it's ok for you to scream and show your anger but it's not ok for me to do it. it's not ok for either of us to scream and show our anger because the kids hear us and i KNOW what screaming does to them. it does to them what it has done to me! it makes you so that you can't handle an arguement and you get to your breaking point and then when the screaming starts you just block out everything that is going on and just close in on yourself! I remember when my mother would scream at me i'd just sit there and say to myself over and over "don't say a word" "just don't say a word" over and over until she was finished. i have found myself doing the same thing with him because when the screaming starts i just shut down. i know it isn't the adult thing to do, but i don't know what else to do i've been doing this sense a little kid. i guess i just have to learn to argue it out but i don't know how to without shutting down.

so right now i'm still in the basement (you have to go through the laundry room to get to the computer room) and i haven't gone upstairs yet because he is up there watching his game and i can hear him yelling at the kids but i hve no idea why and i don't even want to go find out why! so instead of following him upstairs i just turned on the computer and came here and started typing to you. I don't know if anyone will even read this or get this far but just typing it and putting it out there feels a little bit better and i feel a little bit calmer. i dn't know what will happen when i turn off the computer and go upstairs but i'm sure we won't get through the rest of the night without some kind of arguement. i've come to expect them.

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 11:31pm

Hey Libby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:36pm

Libby,


I'm so sorry that I couldn't be there right when you needed me, but I'm sharing a computer with a family of 5 right now.


I'm sorry about what your dh said to the therapist. I too was in a relationship with someone who just couldn't handle my issues. But issues can be worked on and things can get better.


If you are feeling like the bad guy as the patient, what can you do to tap into the other things that make up who you are? Do you like art or music or exercise or dance or hiking or photography etc etc etc? Find some things to define you that are not a part of what is "wrong".


You definately each have your issues and you have common issues as well as the fact that each of your individual issues affects the other. With work you two will learn to help each other and deal with the issues. Keep on trying.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 12:17am

Thanks Amanda, I'm doing ok today.

We had another meeting and I was able to express how upset I was after last weeks meeting. she told my dh that we have to be able to discuss things at home also and that i shouldn't be afraid to tell him what he said hurt me and that he shouldn't be afraid to tell me also. she said we have LOT of work to do and that most of the things we are talking about are symptoms nd not the problems so we have to figure out what the problem is and fix that then we can work on the symptoms. we go back together on the 30th and then i think i want to see her on my own.

I'm just holding out some home.

I told her about you all and how that you are my support right now. dh didn't understand that but she did. she said i could call her and vent to her answering machine. she said she may not call me back unless she feels she needs to but her voice mail is there for me to vent to just to get things out.

We have realised that even though i'm 40 years old i still have abandoment issues. My father moved in sept and i don't have his new address. I honestly think he lost my address ( i just moved also) and he doesn't have it. i sent him a card in the mail hoping it would be forwarded to him but i haven't heard anything yet. my father used to leave alot when we were little and those feelings of abandoment are really coming back now. she said that i'm portraying them to dh and taking it out on him right now and i can understand that. i've actually figured that out on my own last week.

well i hope you are having a good week.

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 11-17-2006 - 3:39pm

Glad to hear that you are doing okay today. There are always better days. Sometimes we forget that.


I'm glad you can make the call and vent even if she doesn't get back to you and I am so glad you have us when you need us.


It's hard for those around us to understand what is going on so don't expect too much from dh. Some day he may get it but it might be a long process.


Those abandonment issues are the hardest to get rid of in my opinion. I find that I don't have all the same criteria that I was dx'd with 6-7 years ago but the all or nothing thinking and abandonment issues are still huge. All I can suggest is using rational responses to your abandonment fears.


Keep on posting.


Hugs,

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 9:13pm

Today has been a good exhausting day. dh got up early this morning and went and bought a leaf blower. the leafs are really bad in our yard and everyone around us has clear lawns. so he dropped it off and had to take one of our dd's to her soccer tourniment (she won yeaa!!) so i got the leaf blower out at 12:00 and I worked until 5:30 when he got home blowing the leaves into a pile. It also turns into a mucher with a vaccume and when you vaccume it up it grinds it up and blows it into a bag. I ground up three black lawn bags of leaves and still had about 6 or more black bags to go. but dh got home as i was doing it and decided to use the lawnmower to grind them up into mulch. well that wasn't even a quarter of the yard that i got done. so just as we were finihsing up he ran over the extention cord to the leaf blower (that he just bought today and paid $15.00 for) and cut into 2 pieces! so now before we can finish the lawn he has to either repair it or go buy another one. I wanted to surprise him and have the lawn done by the time he got home from the football game tomorrow. but i guess that won't happen.

so when we finished i went and took a long hot bath and drank a peppermint patty and the kids made pancake for dinner. All 6 of my kids are in the family room watching a movie together (which happens very rarely) and dh is upstairs watching a movie. i'm downstairs washing some clothes and on the computer.

So all in all i have to say it's been a good day.

Last night was a good night also.

Libby