Feeling empty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
Feeling empty
4
Sat, 11-18-2006 - 11:47pm

Recently, I seriously contemplated suicide. I think this feeling came from an empty and lost place in my heart that has been there since childhood. It recycles itself from time to time, but I am now middle aged--the flexibility and hope of my youth is gone. Physically, I am in very good health, I run, exercise, my weight is fine--but inside I wonder: why bother?

My marriage is fine, but recently had a big crush on someone else, and it was so frustrating to know I can never have more than fantasy. My DH has problems with erectile dysfunction and am living a celibate life--but I am wanting sex so much, and cannot really have it. I find this very difficult (my DH is not that interested since it's too much trouble, and he is at least honest in his limitations, but that doesn't make it easier). We do lots of stuff together, but I am heartbroken that our sex life has ended and I have to accept that and it isn't easy at all. There are other endings in my life as well: I have lost one parent (too young to die really, he wasn't even 65), my mom has some kind of memory loss and she isn't functioning in a real way, and my sibs all have some kind of addiction (alcohol, etc) and they don't engage in relationships at all. I have two kids; one has a severe MI. And again, I have never done all I wanted to do---I realize that the dreams of youth are probably not gonna happen. Or if they are gonna happen, I do not have an endless stream of years in which to make them happen.

I sometimes just feel like not hanging around this planet to see what happens with my life. I have doubts about my existence, such as it is. I do not believe in anything, so I haven't the comfort of spirituality to guide me. I am doing a little better bc have seen counselor lately, and have meds to take, so am over the crisis of month ago, but I feel I might backslide at any time.

Anyway, this is kind of an update---am not really suicidal, so am better, but am hoping to
see more improvement. Right now, I am just rather neutral, in a limbo (but that is certainly better than actively seeking to destroy oneself)....

Avatar for opal45
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
In reply to: no1noes
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 11:02am

Hi ((((no1noes)))),


I'm so sorry that you're having such troubles in your life. Your dh's problem, your child's MI, your father's passing and your mother's memory issues all sound so stressful and confining to me. Also, I'm 51 myself so I can understand a little of what you mean about those unfulfilled dreams of our youth slipping away. The heaviness and emptiness in your heart comes through loud and clear.


But something else grabbed my attention more than anything else. You began your post by saying, "Recently, I seriously contemplated suicide. I think this feeling came from an empty and lost place in my heart that has been there since childhood. It recycles itself from time to time..."

**gentle hugs**

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
In reply to: no1noes
Sun, 11-19-2006 - 5:46pm

No1noes,

"My DH has problems with erectile dysfunction and am living a celibate life--but I am wanting sex so much, and cannot really have it. I find this very difficult (my DH is not that interested since it's too much trouble"

Ack! Does he know why- is it a side effect of some medicine? Has he asked his doctor about it? There may be a cure! That would be really hard for me too. Maybe your DH isn't interested becuase he's ashamed or embarrased. I can't imagine that deep down he's happy with the situation either.

"And again, I have never done all I wanted to do---I realize that the dreams of youth are probably not gonna happen. Or if they are gonna happen, I do not have an endless stream of years in which to make them happen."

I was just thinking about this today, if my dreams will ever come true. I don't think it's a time issue for me, but a difficulty issue. When you're young you don't realize just how hard it will be to make some of those dreams come true. It's a let down when you figure that out. But I still think it's possible, better to try since we'll be here anyway and life can get really really boring without goals or dreams.

"I do not believe in anything, so I haven't the comfort of spirituality to guide me."

That would make it ten times harder to endure. Can you make up some reasoning or personal spirituality that you CAN believe in, make up whatever you think the point of life is? I think it's essential to have some kind of spiritual anchor even if you have to make it up out of thin air. I don't belong to any church but I've been making up my own spirituality over the years that I can beleive in, and it makes all the difference.




Edited 11/19/2006 5:48 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: no1noes
Mon, 11-20-2006 - 3:02pm

Hi no1noes,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2006
In reply to: no1noes
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 2:53pm

Thanks for all the input!

These two comments were very enlightening:

****When you're young you don't realize just how hard it will be to make some of those dreams come true. It's a let down when you figure that out.****** AND **** inaction pretty much guarantees that if and when I re-evaluate the situation a year or two down the road I will be in that same place and be "beating myself up" over not starting sooner!***

I do much volunteer work, but none of it is very challenging---most of the really juicy jobs go to more professional people or those in politically advantageous positions. Still, I persist with my small tasks, and watch for anything interesting that might come up. I am thinking of going to grad school, but do not want to do this if I cannot use my degree when finished--still, it would still be mine, no matter if I was able to use it or not. Youthful dreams are nice but middle aged dreams are better bc more based in reality.

As for sexual situation, all avenues to that problem have been explored. If a spouse is ill, you cannot expect to be satisfied in this area. I would not want him to assertively pursue sex if I were ill, so I do the same for him. It is not his choice, either, and I try to remember that. I have analyzed my feelings about the crush I had---it seems to have been a release valve for the unused sexual energy I have, and may have been a good thing since it was known only to myself and I never pursued it in actual fact. I even joked with DH about it, and he thought it funny, was not upset in the least. In fact, if the tables were turned, I wouldn't have a problem with him using this strategy to cope.

I am having Thankgiving this year, with a difference in that I invited a friend who, in turn, has invited someone else to come with her to my house. Even with these two extra, there will only be 6 of us. I was OK with that---we have plenty of food, but I found myself depressed about it today, feeling used and imposed upon (though my DH is doing half of the cooking and cleaning--he is dear that way!). Then a thought came into my head, "You are really upset bc you have to be motivated and accomplish a goal---and are not going to be allowed to indulge in your depression or be inactive about this---you are really like the alcoholic who wants to drink alone--you have depression and you want to be alone with it, to nuture and stay in that comfort zone of lying in bed, reading, doing the Net, or exercising." I knew then, that I wasn't really being imposed upon, except by my illness--

Believe me, I get plenty of rest and am not overstressed---just depressed. I think the meds are working, though---they are calming my mind so I can think things through a bit better and come to more worthwhile conclusions.

Abuse as a kid was in my past, too. Had mom who liked to use her slappin' arm, and had to learn how to be a good mom to my kids, which was difficult bc I had such poor mothering. That they are as OK as they are have more to do with what I didn't do than what I did. I am attempting to learn some meditation exercises to lead me to a spiritual place, and exploring some other options besides the traditional ones.

Thanks for all your help--I found every post very supportive~