My history of suicidal thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
My history of suicidal thoughts
13
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 3:41pm

I have been told that those of us under 23 are not mature enough to be able to have a proper view on matters of life and death. I am 22 and have a history of having suicidal thoughts and feelings. Since I was 16 I have considered it in times of duress, sometimes only thinking about it, other times going so far as to prepare for it.

In this era I have been under very great duress for a very long time. I have found myself researching methods and feeling that I have reached a point where I am very nearly out of options.

Does anyone else find that this condition is exacerbated by onerous circumstances?

Thank you for reading,

Michigan J Frog

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 11-21-2006 - 5:00pm

Hi Michigan,

There's definatly no age limit on understanding death.

You sound very intellectual. Although I hope to be the same, and I love to analzye things, I don't think the question of life and death, to be or not to be, can be solved by the brain.

I think in the end we have to accept it on intuition or faith, instincts perhaps. And what if your instincts say "end the insanity"? Well then I guess it's down to hope and love.

Yes, suicidal feelings are definatley increased by bad situations. I'm not much older than you- I'm 27. I won't lie to you and say it's all lovely now, but there were some good times between then and now.




Edited 11/21/2006 5:04 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Wed, 11-22-2006 - 10:34am

Hi Michiganjfrog and welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us--and especially glad you found the courage to post!


Like Blue, I do not think age has anything to do with it at this point. Yes, age is a factor that professionals consider when evaluating one's risk for suicide but that is by far not the only factor. And really, an understanding of death is not required in order for one to achieve it--accidentally or otherwise. So I'd let the age thing go--you are of sufficient maturity to have this instinct that all is not well or else you wouldn't have found us, right?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 12:15pm

It's been a long time girls, but I am back, I hope I find you well.

I was simultaneously baptised and confirmed when I was 15 in 2000 on February 28th and February 29th respectively so began to research more about life after death and became fascinated with it, perhaps more so than was healthy.

When I was 16 during the summer, I was going through a difficult phase of adolescence. I have always been a weird sort of boy, with no friends, one who is awkward in social situations and is still a little confused as to his gender role. My mother has always been very controlling and abusive, both physcially and verbally. I don't know if she has a diagnosable mental illness or not, but she used to be alot worse than she is now. During this summer she had plenty of chances to humiliate me and beat me up in private. I began to think about suicide alot for the first time. I had considered the rather half-baked strategy of drowning myself in the pond on the common at night, but obviously I consider methods these days that are more realistic. I don't think I should post about them on a public board.

In late 2004 to early 2005 I was seeing a psychiatrist who put me on olanzapine and fluoxetine because I had been making suicidal attempts and plans. At one point the local mental health team were visiting me every day. From 2005 to 2006 I had had very great difficulty in getting into stable long term employment which was very disaffecting and in early 2006 I started thinking out suicide contingencies again as a resort if I couldn't get my life on track. When I started this thread I was doing an intensive conversion course in computer science but have in the mean time had a relapse because of the stress of doing group work and was in hospital again. I am currently on antidepressants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 3:58pm

Hi again, michiganjfrog2006.

When you say group work do you mean school projects? I always hated those too. Some people always slack off, and it's a huge waste of time. It takes ten times longer than doing it alone.

I've also had trouble with my career, because of anxiety. Right now I'm doing data entry and work alone. But I'm still too quiet at our weekly company lunch, etc. And I know it's bad for my job- which makes me even more nervous. Keep trying though.




Edited 3/19/2007 3:59 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 03-19-2007 - 4:28pm

Welcome back, michiganjfrog....

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 6:18am

Thankyou Lori, bluerain.

Yes, bluerain it was indeed a group project. They are awful, hideously inefficient. And it was worse because we came into it with different levels of previous experience. I am on interruption at the moment. That group project is over at any rate. I've also always hated the need for self-aggrandisement in job interviews and the like. It goes very much against the grain to attempt it.

_____________________________________________________________

I'm so sorry you were forced to endure that Lori, I know that brutal men are more fearsome, being aware that they are capable of deviancy, I really hope your stepfather didn't do that.

I would hate to think how I would have fared if my father had been as violent as my mother, he was alot stronger than her. She certainly excelled at emotional abuse though, often asserting that I should be put down (as vets do with unwanted pets) and how the male physiognomy is deformed and that I stank like an old man when I started getting body odour.

My psychiatrist did try to advise me to build a network of friends but I had to explain that I am not that sort of person :\ I used to be too gormless even to realise the possible benefits of this and I'm still no good at it. Socialising is a real effort for me, even though it is a recreation for some :(

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 10:08am

Hey Michigan,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 11:11am

Ahhh, sorry I shouldn't have mentioned deviancy at all in that case, it was rather insensitive (goes red). It's amazing how such vicious and loathsome animals as he was are allowed to get away with their lifestyles all the time. If my mother had been guilty of any perversions of the flesh I would wish her dead even though I am aware that being vengeful is sometimes destructive to the self.

((I didn't upset you with my previous post did I?))

I'm sorry to admit that I think she has had quite a significant influence in shaping my outlook. An acquaintance commented on it in a discussion we had on the subject. She brought up about how voluntary work with others with mental illnesses and the like might be beneficial for me. I mentioned that I happen eg to share my mother's contempt for the handicapped to a certain extent. Apparently this is not a social norm. I remember she made an aspersion about a little blind girl who shared a piano teacher with me. She said that the condition was contagious and hissed that those affected might come after me at night and emphasised the remark with a pinch to leave an imprint of her finger and thumb as was a little idiosynchrasy. I suppose my point is that I am not sure I have been made into a more compassionate person even though I have not suffered anything like what you were put through.

But kudos on your positive outlook, it is very inspiring! The rest of us should take note...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 3:38pm

I have social anxiety too. It makes a lot of things really hard. Especially because most people don't understand- they think it's fun to go to parties, etc.

I think you are compassionate. You've shown some compassion on this board. And I think compassion, like any virtue, is something that improves with practice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Tue, 03-20-2007 - 7:14pm

Thank you.

I know, some days it feels like it will be too much to have to set foot outside. Even travelling on public transport can be an ordeal.

I have tried not to be self-indulgent on this forum, since it is one for helping others. There can be no doubt we all need support. A reason I am dissatisfied with my gender role is that the artificial constraints upon males in our society are more cumbersome than those set on females. I know that women tend to be expected to feign compassion and the like, but it seems alot less onerous than having to be macho. Having young women amongst my peers for the first time gave me the impression that they have it rather easier. It was something of a shock as well, that they allow themselves to do things like embrace and kiss in a platonic way, my mother absolutely HATES being touched! *shudders* Also I am conditioned to think that my anatomy is a defect although really it is just a matter of plumbing.

Incidentally, doesn't ivillage have a private messaging function? It seems rather primitive for such a big site.

Hope you continue to be well and that we can contact again soon.

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