I am not sure
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I am not sure
| Tue, 11-28-2006 - 2:48pm |
I know I was suppose to get help and I did. I see I pdoc and a therapist however I am feeling very down. I am taking a higher dose of paxil and klonipin. I am so very sad. I sit here all alone and think why am I here. What is my purpose in life. So why be here. Living hurts so bad.

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Hi there,
Hi Lori
Are you feeling better?
I am on FMLA from my job and miss my co workers. I do write to them to see how they are doing. And they also check in with me to see how I am doing. I have a dear loving husband. However he had to go to work yesterday after being off with me since Thanksgiving day. So it made it lonely here. Today I have an appt with the therapist so that will keep me busy for a bit.
The weather here is abnormally warm so I plan to go visit the cemetary and put my mom's Christmas decoration on.
I really think that I would be better off dead.
Hey there,
Lori
You hit the nail on the head. My therapist and I talked about me getting out of the house. Just because I am on FMLA doesn't mean I have to stay cooped up in the house. Therefore I will get out of the house daily. We talked about me walking at the mall. In the early morning hours our mall opens to people who want to walk. So I could do that. Also I live not that far from our community college and can go there and walk. Whatever the case may be I will get out.
I am working in a workbook called Anxiety and Phobia Workbook and if I don't go walking I plan to either go to the library to work on the workbook or to a coffee shop.
The weather here is due to change for the worst on Friday so depending on how much snow we get determines what I plan to do. My outing may constist of shoveling snow! YICK.
After therapy today I grabbed some lunch and went up to Lake Erie since is was a unseasonably warm day here. It was good to get out
I see the therapist again tomorrow she is concerned about me.
I will hang on for now....
Hi there,
Yes that is the book. I will share anything helpful.
What state are you in Lori-I am in Ohio just outside the snow belt.YICK I too hope it will be a false alarm storm.
Lori the winter snow storm missed us. We did get lots of rain and high winds but no snow!
Anyway I am so confused and spinning in circles. I truely believe a career change is best. However I will miss a lot of the people there. At least 90% of the 150 I work with like me and are concerned about me. Which makes it hard to leave. On the other hand my panic and anxiety are mainly caused by this job. Since I took this position the panic attacks have increased in number and severity. So common sense would say I should go.
I am a weak person. I have a problem standing up for myself. I am having a hard time reading this workbook and maintaining what I have read.
I saw the pdoc Friday he increased my paxil and continued the klonipin and wants to see me in 2 weeks. I see the therapist Sat morning. But I still have the strong urges to run away from all this because I don't know what my future holds and it scares me.
It's as if I need my own person therapist or someone to talk to during the times I am home alone and start dewelling on the negatives.
X-mas will be hard this year. I don't know if I even want to deal with it. Here we go again another X-mas that I don't get to enjoy. I have not really enjoyed X-mas since my mom passed away in 1993.
I don't know which way to turn...
Hey there,
Oh my gosh!
After your last reply you better send me a bill for that therapy session!
Your reply had a lot of meaning in it that I really needed to hear! I plan to print it and refer back to it.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Oh by the way.. I actually had a very good day today. DH and I went to the mall and I had a good time. I did not feel any panic or the need to leave right away even though the mall was crowded. Then we stopped for lunch and it was like the old me was back. The funny thing is I only slept about 3 hours last night and still had the strength to go shopping and have fun. Maybe my problem is that I need to sleep only 3-4 hours a night and all my issues will be solved..NOT!
Well have a great weekend.
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