i am one of the females you hate........

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
i am one of the females you hate........
4
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 7:23pm

firstly, i want to apologize, this is a long one. i truly hope that it doesn't turn any of you away from reading this. i really need your help.

My depression has gotten so bad that it is now down to if i do not change, my relationship with my man will end. my insecurites have been at an all time low lately, and my man doesn't even care anymore. It's been like this for so long now. He said he was going to get a hair cut (he has like 1/2 centimeter worth of hair) and then go to the gym. 2 hours pass, I give him a call because i know his haircuts only take like 15 min, and I figured by this time, he'd probaly at the gym, over working his body. So i called him and he tells me, i just finished getting my hair cut, we're heading to the gym now. WHAT?? a hair cut DOES NOT take 2 hours!! I, very civilized (because of last night, we got in a HUGE fight and i'm trying to change my ways) asked him how that took 2 hours and he just was like blah blah blah you are getting on my nerves. i just hung up. it hurts to hear him say that sooo bad because i beleve that is why he doesn't care about me anymore, i get on his nerves. and he tries to tell me :trust me, i'm not going to cheat on you tori. but what?? you tell me all these hurtful things, so uncaringly, and you expect me to think that you are in love with me and wont cheat on me???? if anything, he is showing me that cheating is exactly what is going to happen, if not HAPPENED. my insecurities have pushed him away for the past 2 years, and now it is to the point where it seems like he just doesnt care about me anymore. it hurts so bad to think that, but to me it is so obvious. and when i asked him about it last night, he was just like : tori i will always love you. what is tjat supposed to mean? it's like he might as well have said, i know we are pretty much over and you are getting on my nerves, but i will always love you. god it hurts.. i cant control this pain, i just fall to the ground and cry and cry and cry anc cry WISHING we were happy agagin, KNOWING that we could never be like that again becase of ME, my awful self esteem ruined my relationship, without any of my control. despite how hard, and please beleive me when I say I HAVE TRIED SO HARD to get ahold of these feelings I've had for 2 years now but no matter what, it persists. i feel i am getting a little better, if not I am a tiny bit better than I was before. But, it's too late. i ruined our relationship because of my self esteem. and that hurts so bad to know this. it is all my fault, all because of feelings i cannot control. on top of my depression, this just adds to it and makes me worse. we are over because of ME, my god forsaken self esteem. i hate it and without him in my life i feel i would never make it because i am in love with him so much i just never want to lose him. and to know that I did this because of such a evil haunting feeling of wortlessness.. just makes me want to go to sleep and never wake up . life is just pain.. until you die. then you feel none. what a wonderful feeling that must be to not feel this way anymore.. i do not want to commit suicide over this, NO WAY. never that. but sometimes, well , a lot, i wonder how it would feel to just....... not feel.

So, to start from the very beginning of my poor self esteem.. I believe it all started when I moved to, where I reside now, Orlando FL. I come from a mid-sized town in WV (about 2 hrs. from DC), where I was one of the pretty girls. My whole life I've never really considered myself sexy or beautiful, despite being told that I am, constantly. Until I met my man, we'll call him E. He was the most gorgeous, perfect thing I'd ever layed my eyes on and when we finally started to hang out, it turned out we'd both been "crushing" on each other for pretty much a whole year. When we found that out, I'd asked him why he never came up to me- his reply was 'I thought you were too good for me'. Absurd!! =) I'd always wanted him to come up to me, but I was too wrapped up in a horrible, HORRIBLE "relationship" with a guy we'll call M, at the time. (E and I's relationship was the first serious, actual relationship for both of us.)

The destructive "relationship" I'd had with M, was just bad news from the get-go, and the sad part is, I knew this! I couldn't help myself, he was very charming, very smooth. When I think about it, he was NOT even half attractive as my current man, E, is. (it's kind of like a 'what was I thinking!?' type of thing) Yet, I cannot lie, M was extremely smooth and knew the right things to say to get to a female, unfortunately, I fell victim to him charades. I'd met M at my new job, and instantly, it was obvious we both were feeling each other. Not until my friend(coworker) informed me that M has a girlfriend who just so happens to be a huge (no exaggeration) cokehead and was known to be quite easy (as in cheating on M all the time). Once I heard this, I realized this where it should stay, just friends, even if we were both diggin' each other. Anyway, as time went on, about 3 months into my new job, shameful to say, one thing led to another and we agreed on going out one day. We went to the mall, had a lot of fun, then went back to his place. Yes, we ended up having intercourse, but I'd never enjoyed it so much! =( With the knowledge of what I was doing was very, very wrong, seeing as how he had a girlfriend and all, I'd felt so guilty because, personally, I'd never, ever thought cheating was justifiable. It is a wrong, cruel, heart breaking thing that I'd never wanted to experience. Despite M always telling me how badly his girlfriend treats him (he knew about the cheating she does) I never fully believed him, but enough, because I knew of this girl, I'd went to school with her at one point and we'd had mutual friends, though I still never, like I said, fully believed it since he is over here doing the same thign to her, cheating on her. However, M and I's "relationship" continued, seeing each other only at night, hanging out, drinking, having fun, and always led to sex (I was younger then, I was stupid. For some reason, I was completely content with just the late night rendeavous.) Eventually, as time went on, we were still seeing each other on the low, and it was just starting to affect me. As in, guilt, jealousy, curiosity, wondering why he doesn't leave his g/f for me, all that stuff. At one point, I'd thought I was starting to fall in love with him (false love, huh?) he would get jealous and irritated if I was hanging with another guy, let alone having sex with one. It seemed he was into me enough to form a relationship. But it was quite obvious he was never going to leave his girl, so I figured (I know, it took way too long, should have been A LOT sooner) it was time to just stop seeing him and remain friends, if that.

That is when I met E (my current man). We'd only talked for about 5 minutes, but found out from our mutual friend the next day, that he was asking about me at some party. Yet we never saw each other again until like a month or so later. That's when things really started with us. We'd hang out almost everyday, he was friend with my brother, so that also added to seeing him more. I'd told E one day about M and I's "relationship" (yes, I was still seeing M, very rarely though, nothing was definite with E and I at this point), and I'd told E about how one time M had hit me, just once though. That really ticked him off that someone would do that to me, so he went looking for him to, basically, whoop his butt. That night, I was sooo angry at E for that, I mean, yes. M did mean SOMETHING to me, it had now been a year that we'd been "seeing" each other, of course you start to care about someone after so long, even if he was a pig. Anyway, I ended up going over to M's that night, to settle things down and get everything straightened out (I knew he would get his girlfriend's cousin to come to me about it, that is just how he is. i know right, how could anybody care about someone like M??!) Well, we were having a few drinks that night, I'd started before since I was so stressed out. We ended up getting pretty intoxicated, and ended up having sex. (I HAVE NO IDEA WHY!! I AM SUCH A FOOL!!) I'd felt so bad about it, but didn't tell E. Pretty much THEN is when everything ended with M and I. We've still not seen each other since, and it's been 2 years. E and I are together, have been for the past 2 years. We are very much in love. But I couldn't take it anymore, so about a half year/1 year into our relationship, I told him about that one night with M. E and I were not officially together then, and he agreed with me about that. But needless to say, that hurt him very much, and still does to this day. I completely understand, and allow him to vent and say what he wants about that since, if I was him, I would feel betrayed and hurt, too.

With all that said, I think that is why I am so insecure, well, atleast it has a lot to do with it.. When moving down here to Orlando, there are beautiful, naturally tanned women EVERYWHERE you look. And that is what E used to always go for, before me. (I am 1/2 Polish and 1/2 Scottish, naturally blonde, light skinned, blue eyes and small breasts and booty)Itjust hurts to know that E wants the total opposite of me, and I see him glance all the time. Sure, you can use that over-used saying : well if he is with you, that means he wants YOU. No. You could still stay with someone even if you were wanting something else, it's called cheating. Also, I believe a lot in Karma. Which , I believe, I have screwed myself over with. Because of my dispicable choices and helped someone cheat on their g/f, it makes me think that this will infact happen to me, and that all men are like M. Not exactly like him, but as in, cheating or being sneaky. E has told me over and over, repeatedly, that he is not one for cheating, he thinks it is not right and was raised to respect women(he was raised by his mother, basically). That is reassuring, but my man is in the entertainment business. When you are in that, there are perfect "Barbies" EVERYWHERE, just surrounded by them. Sure, he may "want me" that is why he is with me, but to me, looking at other women (not to mention HALF NAKED) is cheating. It's like, if you like what you see so much in her, then do not stay with me since you are not happy with what I look like.

My insecurities have turned me into a bitch. A total bitch. I was never this insecure before we moved down here! But I feel myself slowly deteriorating, I can say, with full honesty, I've not felt happy, truely happy, about myself in over 2 years. It's awful. I don't even like going places with him, because I don't want to feel that uncontrollable pain when I see him glance at all these perfect women (who are the complete opposite of me!) It is an unbearable feeling and it has been hauting me for too long. I've tried to make everythign alright and reassure myself I am beautiful, but it never helps. Never. Crying is like second nature to me. My self esteem has gotten so low, that when E and I have sex, for the past year and a half, I always fake an O since I'm so concerned about who he's fantasizing about or I'll just be too hurt from previous times I've caught him looking or just because i am feeling horrible but if i always turn down sex he will get it somewhere else, or better yet, look at porn and lie about it again. It's like each and everytime, be it on TV, real life or movies, he looks at these women it just piles up on me, that hurt. That pain that will never go away. That just keeps getting worse and worse. It's now come down to if I do not change, our relationship just cannot work. The sad part is, I recognize that I am easily jealous and the fact that because of the sinful things I did in my past (helping someone cheat and sleeping with M after E wanted to beat him up for hurting me!), it is bound to happen to me sooner or later. I do not want any of you to comfort me for this, I hate myself for being such a horrible person. Because that is what I am. I am that woman girls like me HATE. I've never cheated on anybody in my life, but I consider that time, before E and I were actually together, cheating. It is only right, since I would feel cheated if I was him too. It's like, no matter what I do, no matter what he says or anybody says, I will ALWAYS feel this way about myself. And I hate it.

I guess why I am writing is because I want to hear other peoples opinons about this. Not just E and I's take on the situation, since that is all I hear. Please do not hate me for the wrongs I've committed, I am well aware that is was 100% wrong. Just I would like other sides to this from anyone. Any thoughts, advice, opinions? E is my world and I want more than anything to feel better and to fix thigns, but it is just impossible. I yearn for that happiness we'd both shared at the beggining of our relationship.. I guess Karma really does exist.

I cannot afford a therapist at this time, but what i wouldnt do to feel better, atleast some meds. i've looked up everything about depression and everything it says, points straight to exactly how i feel. i just wish i was happy again. i just wish my man was happy with me. too much pain every single day, tears every single day.. its exhausting and i am fading away i feel it. like i said. i wish i just didn't feel.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 9:39pm

Hi Tori,

I think you're caught in confusion right now and have tons of thougths going through your head. I don't think it's possible that it's all your fault, with 2 people in a relationship it's usually equal blame for anything that goes wrong. Your self esteem is bad but I'm sure that E does things to make it worse, like going for a 2 hour haircut. So don't blame yourself for 100% of this.

I think you and E seem to love each other but are both confused. Right now you're just in the mindset that everything is your fault. That can't be. If anything, maybe the two of you could take a short break to clear your minds. Not breaking up, but a little break so you can get your thoughts together and figure things out.

I feel very insecure too about my DH cheating on me too. But he makes it worse becuase he acts very suspicious and secretive, even when there is nothing wrong! So it's not just that I have low self esteem or that I'm insecure, it's that any woman in her right mind would be insecure with a guy that acts like he is up to no good. Sometimes I think these guys get a thrill out of worrying us and making us jealous, even though they turn around and act like they hate it. Because if you want your wife or girlfriend to be more secure, you need to act trustworthy!

As for your guilt about M. I agree cheating is wrong. But you learned from that and won't do it again. If there is any way you can apologize and make amends to the people you hurt, unless of course they don't know about it and would get hurt more, then do so. If you can't make amends to them directly, do some good deed or act of charity and dedicate it to them as your way of making amends. And then try to let it go. It is over now.

You did not cheat on E with M becuase you were not dating yet.

Being insecure is agony. But I really don't believe it's ever just the woman's fault for being insecure. I do believe that usually there is a good reason behind the paranoia! So stop thinking that this is all you. Becuase chances are, any woman would feel doubtful when her man is around hot women. A little caution is healthy. It's trying to suppress it that turns it into paranoia. That's what I believe.

The hard fact is, no matter how good we look, there will always be someone more beautiful. Or someone younger. Or someone just as pretty but in a different way. Someone more in shape. Etc. I try not to compare myself to other women as far as looks go becuase that is a painful habit. I look like myself and that's what I'm meant to look like. And anyway, beauty can change. I hope DH loves me, and E loves you, for deeper reasons. And I think they do. Becuase there are pretty girls everywhere, as you have noticed! So that's not the only reason E chose you...and let's face it, no matter how good E looks I'm sure there are hotter guys out there too. But you love him for more than his looks, right?




Edited 12/6/2006 9:52 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 10:43pm

I'm sorry to hear that you are insecure and having self esteem issues. I want you to know that I have them too. Still, I don't think that has ruined your relationship. I have to admit I read through your post quickly so if I get the facts wrong I'm sorry. I don't recall you saying that your relationship was over. You say that you both want things to get better and you're off to a great start. All hope is not lost. You say that is impossible,

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 1:03am

Your screen name says "listentoyourheart" and I thik that is perfect for you. you need to listen to what your heart is telling you. You love this man and you say he loves you. What you need to do is to sit down and have a very long talk. tell him that you have somethings that you need to discuss and that if he can just give you a few minutes to listen and not interupt that you'd feel much better. Tell him about your insecurities and then let him tel his part.

I can tell you that after 20 years of marriage men always look. i've been burned in a relationship before. I found my ex-fiance cheating with my best friend and it hurt to the core. it took time to get over it. I met my husband now by chance in a bar on a dance floor. we are having some major comunication problems right now and coming to this board has really helped. when I start to talk to him and he cuts me off I immeditly tell him excuse me i was talking. because i never used to get to finish my sentenses. he tells me i know what you are going to say. I tell him how do you know what i'm going to say (most of the time he does know) but I tell him even if you think you know what i'm going to say i need the respect of being listened to and to finish my sentenses.

Even though you are not married yet you can still seek council together. there are places who will go on a sliding scale there are churches who offer counceling. My dh and I are now seeing a therapist and we have ins. we have to pay a co pay of $25.00 per visit. yes right now it is $100.00 a month that we just don't have but we are considering it that we are investing in our future and in our retirement. When we made those promises and vowls together I told him then I didn't believe in divorce and he told me he didn't either. I've always been insecure because i was hurt i've gotten over the insecurities with his help and it was years of help from him.

A relationship takes a lot of work and a lot of comunication. If you don't have the correct type of communication then the relationship falls apart.

Now with the hair cut, did he go buy his self? or did he go with friends? if he went with friends that could explain why it took so long. My sister is a manager of a hair salon and sometimes there is an hour wait. some people like to use the same stylist so they know they are getting the type of cut they want. I know my dh likes to use the same girl and when she moved from one salon to another he moved along with her. why because he trusts her with his hair. men are very vain about their hair, some of them more then women are. so if they walked into a salon and there is a wait and they are all together it could take that long. Sometimes i've gone into a salon signed in went grocery shopping next door came back and they still haven't called my name. this time of year they are extremly busy with a lot of hair cuts for people for holiday pictures and parties.

I think if you tell him your feelings and ask his help on you getting over this then your relationship will work. I've been where you are i was hurting when I caught my fiance cheating on me and i did trie to kill myself. thank god my friend called me and knew there was something wrong with me and showed up in time to get me help. I almost died that night but i feel a angel was sent to save me.

I still feel suicidal a lot i have depression and i have PTSD. they also think i may have bi-polar disorder because my mother had it.

Just a few weeks ago I had a plan and I came here to the board seeking help because i didn't want anyone to know how i was feeling. slowly i started telling my friend and my dh the things i was feeling and he has been helping me. it is still a daily struggle and there are times in the day when i still have it in the back of my mind and there are days when i know i can't be alone. If i'm alone and have no one to talk to I will come to this board and just type out what i'm feeling. Lori usually responds and sometimes just knowing that someone is out there listening helps tremendously.

Just keep coming here and talking to us and let us help you through this time. When you feel the urge please come to the board and talk. watch the toss violations though. sometimes no one answers me right away and i'll check the board 10 times a day and i'll get upset because no one has responded and i wonder did someone read my message or don't they care. we can't always be online 24 hours a day but i usually check my email atleast 2 a day now.

Get yourself a good nights sleep and i'll be online tomorrow morning sometime after 9 am eastern time if you just need someone to talk to.

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 12-07-2006 - 4:03pm

Hi and welcome to the board! I love your screen name by the way! I hope you will stick around and let us get to know you and vice versa--we have a great bunch of ladies here!


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