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| Mon, 12-11-2006 - 8:16pm |
so i am at a point in my life I Don't know what to do. For the last 17 years i have felt really down and the last 4 or 5 years have been seeing a psychiatrist, but nothing really is changing. I was in the hospital last year a few times and it devistated my husband, I have a good job nothing ever happened to me or caused me to be this way.
The last few months have gotten bad and all I do is think about dying, a almost hired someone to kill me so that it wouldn't look like i did it myself, i've tried the pills and some light chemicals but nothing. I've come up with the best way to do this but i keep getting scared for my husband. He of course has no idea how i feel, well actually no one does. I go to this group and I can't say anything b/c i don't really have anything to say, i can't remember anything and just sit there- the only time i am not like this is when i am working and busy for the most part I can focus.
The past few weeks have been really bad and am just so fed up with things that I stopped taking my medicine and lied to the MD about it- hell they don't care or notice, i am responsible for myself and if i lie to them then i am breaking their trust, so that is that. I don't feel anyworse without the medication, so why do i need it? I"m scared with or without it and all my husband wants is children. I"m trying to decide if i'll wake up in the morning but at the same time i am lieing to him telling him that of course i want kids etc. etc. etc- of course it takes sex to conceive a child and i can't stand that.
so i thought writing this would maybe help me feel better and it doesn't, it just gets me stirred up and wired like i'm on drugs. I feel trapped, i have let my husband down, i know he loves me but he wants children so badly and i've put it off for a few years due to my"mental condition" and now i was on medicine that i could get pregnant on so there should be no excuse. I"m just rambling thank you for your time.

Hi jbdie and welcome to the board... It sounds like you are in a really tough place that many of us can identify with at one time or another and so I'm glad you found us and hope you'll hang out and get to know us a bit!
Thanks for the background info. you shared--it takes a lot of courage to reach out to strangers! I agree--you did nothing to "cause" this--it sounds like you are very depressed and although some cases of depression can be traced to some specific current or past event, many can't.
Hi jbdie and welcome!
I know you are looking for some reason for your depression. Wouldn't everything make so much more sense if we knew what caused it! But that isn't always the cause. I'm manic-depressive, so I know that some things can trigger the depression, but that isn't always the case. Sometimes I'm just depressed because that's the way I am. I know that there is a chemical imbalance in my brain.
That's where the meds come in. I can understand the frustration when they don't seem to work. I've been on more meds than I can count in the last year alone! I just got out of the hospital in November and they changed my meds and I'm still waiting to see a difference. I know there is a small one but I felt that in the hospital before the meds would have even had a chance to work. But we can't lose hope. At one time I thought that every med my MD would rx would do what it was supposed to do - like I know the amoxicillin when I got strep throat will take away the infection, or the ventilin will help my asthma, but psychiatric drugs don't work for everyone and it takes time. Please tell your dr the truth so you can look at other medications that WILL work for you.
Your dh obviously loves you, as you said he was "devestated" when you went into the hospital, so hold onto that fact when you are feeling low enough to be suicidal. I'm sure he'd be lost without you and if he knew how much you are hurting right now would only want for your wellbeing. You have to let him know how you feel and what you think he can do for you. He may not understand the feelings if he hasn't been there himself, but he would want to know so he can be there in any way he can.
Thank you for posting and I hope you find this a helpful place to be.