Almost six months (Trigs)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Almost six months (Trigs)
7
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 9:30pm

It's almost been 6 months since my former best friend dropped off the face of the earth. Remember, she stopped talking to me becuase I finally told her that I did not think she had a healthy relationship with her boyfriend. This after listening to her complain about him for 2 years... what did she expect?

I'm now wondering if she is going to send me a Christmas card. I can't send her one becuase she moved and did not bother to give me her new address.

I can't even believe she did this. I feel so angry, hurt, abandoned, and betrayed. And I'm wondering how on earth I could have been so wrong about her? I always thought I had great judgment about people and great instincts about who I could trust. I don't trust people quickly, they have to earn it. And I thought she was a true friend.

I thought we would be freinds forever! We were so close. That's why I can't even wrap my mind around what happened. How could she do it?

And what gets me is, nothing really happened! It's not like I did anything terrible. I just pointed out that her bf never made her happy yet, and probably would not start any time soon, and maybe she should get a job and move out! And I put it in a nicer way than that. But since she reacted like this, I'm thinking I must have hit too close to home and maybe she really was only with him for the money and so she would not have to work! And that shocks me... becuase I thought she was a much better person than that.

But if I was wrong, then why would she react so strongly? People don't flip out like that if you're totally off base. So my best friend was a gold digger. I can't believe it but the evidence is right before my eyes. It was obvious she did not love her bf and I could not figure out why she never left him. Everything he did annoyed her. Gradually I began to suspect, but did not want to. That she was only with him becuase she did not want to support herself. And now I just feel so disillusioned.

I'm also really curious about what's been going on in her life this whole time...we used to tell each other everything. Part of me hopes she is happy but then the other part thinks it would be a huge slap in the face if she could be happy without me. And I wonder who replaced me, but I already know... this other girl T is probably her new best friend now.

I have a true best friend, named A, that I've actually known a bit longer than I've known L, who thank god has never let me down yet. But I can't seem to get over L- probably becuase she never had the courage to tell me to my face what was wrong, she just sent me a few emails and then moved and dropped off the face of the earth!

I can't believe it was so easy for L to forget me! She's acting like I stold her boyfriend or something. But all I did was tell her the TRUTH. Isn't that a best freind's job? It's just so crazy and hurts so much.

You have to understand how close we were- we've known each other for about 14 years and were really like sisters. I never thought it would end like this. I tried so many times to get her to talk to me and I apologized many times for hurting her feelings. Now it's up to her... and she does not seem to need me.

And this is what I really don't get, how could she chose a bf that she could not stand, over a best friend that she loved? Especially when I never asked her to chose. I just don't know how she can look herself in the mirror.

It may seem like I was harsh with her, but this is why: Her and her bf made each other miserable! They would always fight and she would get so upset and was getting to the point where she was talking about getting "revenge" on him. Those are her exact words. So then they broke up again and I was secretly glad, when guess what? He got a job and she ran right back to him. But she was ready enough to dump him when he was unemployed. Hmmmm.... that's when I finally spoke up because that is not love and that will never make her happy. And I put it in a very gentle, diplomatic way... and she rejected me!

And this entire time, she has not missed me enough to call... when they fight, I wonder if she ever thinks that maybe I was right? I really wonder.




Edited 12/12/2006 9:47 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 12-12-2006 - 10:54pm

Hey Blue,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 2:16am

(((((((Blue)))))))


I know exactly how you feel. I was recently rejected by someone who was my best friend in high school. We used to talk about everything and then I called her and she didn't want to hear what was going on with me because things were going better, but I even tried to put a positive spin on things and highlight what I had accomplished and that I was working on getting back on my feet.


When someone we care about leaves us it is very difficult. It can even be a loss worse than death, because we have to deal with the fact that they have left our lives out of choice. Still we must go through the same greiving process as if it were a death. We get angry, deny it, try to explain it, and have to face our regrets. We often feel like it's all our fault when it may or may not be in part or entirety.


Talk to your pdoc or tdoc, maybe they will have some ways of dealing with it.


I can't tell you what to do. I don't have all the answers. But I wanted you to know that I understand and am

Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 3:50pm

Thank you Amanda.

TRIGGERS.... TRIGGERS....TRIGGERS...
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I think sometimes if I could do it over again what would I change. But the thing is, if I did not speak up, and just let her go back to her boyfriend, the next time they got in a horrible fight, would I just watch her get hurt yet again? I would have to say something eventually.

It was at the point where she was hitting him, they seemed to hate each other, it was beyond normal couple fights. She even said she wanted to kill herself so that he could come home and find her dead body! HOW could I stay silent after that?

And I did try the nice way first, for 2 years, but it did not work. She didn't really listen or would agree but then do the same things again.

I hate feeling so angry at her. And it feels like a heartbreak that won't end. Becuase even if she does send me a Christmas card and wants to get back in touch, which does not seem too likely, how can we forget this happened? Our friendship will never be the same.

"I know exactly how you feel. I was recently rejected by someone who was my best friend in high school. We used to talk about everything and then I called her and she didn't want to hear what was going on with me because things were going better, but I even tried to put a positive spin on things and highlight what I had accomplished and that I was working on getting back on my feet."

I can't believe someone would do this to you! I would never have rejected L becuase her life was falling apart, I just wanted to talk about it instead of pretending that everything was going to be fine when it was not.

I'm so sorry this happened...when did it happen? I can tell that you're a true friend, and it's her loss, but I know it does not feel that way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 3:54pm

Thank you Lori,

What makes this so hard is that she was one of the best things in my life. So to lose her is a big blow.

The holidays probably make it worse. We always used to send each other a card and often a Christmas gift too. I don't care about not getting a gift of course. But I'd like to have a friend still.

I did try to look on the bright side that now I have more money to spend on other people's Christmas gifts. And I did go all out for my Mom- I got her a few gifts with the theme of India- and went over budget but felt it was OK becuase I did not spend any money on L this year.

But I'm still angry, and I don't know how to get over that since I was never able to express my anger to her or get any closure at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 12-13-2006 - 7:28pm

I totally agree with you when I read that she wanted him to come home and find her dead! I do hope that she thinks of you this Christmas and forgives whatever grudge she is holding. You're right that the friendship will never be the same but I hope it can turn into something positive even if it's not the same. You will both be able to get over this, with time.


In my case this happened within the last month, and it's only been a month and a half since I've been out of the hospital so I wasn't in a good place to hear "get your life together THEN give us a call". This was one of my best friends in high school and we were both going through things and talked to each other about all our problems. That's why I was so shocked when this happened. I couldn't believe someone could change so much. You'd be even more shocked if I wrote down everything that happened and was said that day, but I think you get the picture.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 5:14pm

"In my case this happened within the last month,....This was one of my best friends in high school and we were both going through things and talked to each other about all our problems. "

Oh that's terrible. I hope your friend apologizes too at some point. But if not at least you know that you were a good friend and did everything you could.

This is one of the reasons I'm so cautious about telling people what I really think, I don't want to be judged. But I really thought I could trust L by this point. It's hard becuase (I thought) that L understood me more than anyone else did- even (especially?) my DH, who is very different from me.

I miss feeling understood- but now I'm wondering if it was real in the first place since she could give me up so quickly. But I still miss our friendship.

I would have bet that it would be more likely for me to get divorced than for L to desert me. Dh and I love each other a lot but we're different in almost every way and that causes conflict. Now L is gone and I'm still married... you really never know what will happen.




Edited 12/14/2006 5:19 pm ET by bluerains
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Thu, 12-14-2006 - 11:45pm

Blue,


I know how hard it is to trust people, but don't let this make you even more defensive. We have to trust people sometimes even though we end up getting hurt. If we didn't it would make for one lonely life. I'm glad you have enough trust in the board to post, but don't forget you need friends IRL and if you don't trust anyone that can't happen.


I wish you much luck.

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Amanda