well isn't life just peachy! long one

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
well isn't life just peachy! long one
6
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 3:00am

well thursday night before my treatment i decided i couldn't sleep so i'd sitin a hot bubble bath read a bok and drinka big cup of hot tea. well it was great till i went to get out of the tub and slipped and banged my right side of my ribs under my boob and boy i actually saw stars. i had to sit back down on the side of the tub till i got my breath back. i was in so much pain in my ribs i just couldn't breath. i actually thought i broke a rib. so i'm trying top call for help as loud as a can and no one comes to my rescue. everyone is sound asleep as they had aschool or work the next morning.

so i finally hawl myself out of the tub get drid off and check out the damage. yep just a slight redmark no biggie but hurts like the dickens. and i say to myself and i'm not joking. you can't handla slittle slip in the tub how are you going to be able to really do something to your dumb self if you really had the desire.

Well i go to sleep thursday and friday i wake up still in a lot of pain but i still went for my treatment. but because my treatment takes about 6 hours and i sleep like a rock through it i didn't feel much pain. i got up got dressed and met my dh out front6 of the hospital and i know i'm in a lot of pain. so i had him stop at royal farms and grab me some chicken cause i'm going to sleep as soon as he drops me off at my friends hourse. i eat and head upstairs to bed and just crashed for the next few hours. I woke up later that night to eat some left over her family had left for me in the fridge and again i crashed till about 11 the next morning. my ribs are really hurting now so my friend and i decided to wrapp them with an acebndages and see if that helps. well it helps little but not much because the bagndages begain to slide around and theat cause them to hurt more. so i pretty much spent the next day sleeping with an ice pack.

i wope up early sunday evening and she took me hope. my dh wasn't home yet so i just decidd to crash till he got home. by that time i'm beside myself with pain and i'm starting with the asthma caugh. monday morning i woke up and was supposed to go dh for our therapy appt. but he decided he didnt want to go so i went iwthout him. after i left there i decided that because he was supposed to have the day off maybe we could go get a bite to eat or something, but he decided to go into work for a meeting and was gone all afternoon. so i drove myself to the dr. office and my doc wasn't in the oone on cover said i had brocnchitus and that was what the pain was from i tried to explain to her that thats not what it was thtat the pain started wait before the couch which only startd that morning. so on tuesday i decide i'm gong to go get my tooth fixed that pooped off the crown and while i'm there i'm in so much pain the dentist tells me to go straightt o an er. so i did. i hat xrays cat scans nnd no signs of any broken ribs. she sends me home and tells me if i'm not bettter by friday to come back or if they pain got worse to come right back in. well through wednesday night i was tossing and turning and up allnight because my side and ribs hurt so bad i can't stand it. i woke up my dh to tell him and he aid yea i have pain in my ribs eery day go back to sleep. i got the kids up in the morning and dressed and after my son left i only had one kid left to leave for schhol and she was basically ready. i laid back down wth dh next to him and was crying i'm in so much pain now i can barely breath. he basicly chews me out tells me to stop over reacting and to get the house clean. well 10 minutes after he left my dd was on the phone wiht the ambo. and sometime in theat time the little one i watch gets dropped off so opk my bigg my dd can watch er and go to my other dd's christmas party to make sure all the food was safe for her to eat there. well the last thing i remember of that day was being put into an ambo.

I remember getting me into a hospital rroom and i remmeber i was still wearing a night gown they got an iv started and gage me 1 mil of dilaudid which i've had many times before and stronger doces then that. well that is thats all i remember. they said i flat lined they knuckled my sternum till it is bruised they had to bag me and use cpr. they gave ma drug called Narcan that is supposed to reverse the effects of any drugs you have in your system and they use it for drug over doses. well that was the worst experience i have ever had in my life.

i was moved to intensive care after many test to find out what happened if i blew blood clot in my lung ow what. they only thing they can determin is i had an allergic reaction to the dilaudid.

now here comes the weird part. after i was given the narcan i can actually feel my body going in reverse and it was the worst pain i had ever felt. imagin a charlie horse in you calf of you laeg and now imagine that 100 times worse that consumes your whole body. to the point your body is stiff as a board and you can't move but you are the colest you have ever been plus and just an't get warm. they are piling all these hot blankets on yu trying to get you warm again but it is still beyond cold.

i look over at one of the men working on me. i don't think he is a dr. i thnk he is a respitory tech because of the color shirt he was wearing. i remember hearing people tellling him to take off because it as him time to leave and i remember hearing him saying no not this one i have to see it through. I rembmer i kept shouting ouut words to this man to get D it took foever to get those words out bur he listened to me took the time to answer me and tell me he was trying. after several times of me telling this man to get d (*mydh) my dh never came but when i saw this man again standing next to him was my grandmother dressed in all her fine glory with her hair done up on her head curled and fresh from a barber shop (that is not what she looked liked before she passed away 20 years ago. her right hand was on this mans shoulder and in her left hand she was holding apink bundle of blanked and she held the blanket down enough for me to see the top of the tiniest infant i had evern seen in my life she had a dark complection and the dareest eyes i'd ever seenon an infant iwth silky dark hair. i looked at my grandmother and she told me do not worry anymore i have "sarah Jane" and she has me.

now a bit of hystory. my senior year in highschool i became pregnent and let a boy talk me into an abortion i had just turned 18 he was 23 he told me if i didnt do what he wanted then my grandmother would hate me for life and my baby and i would be out on the streets (i know now that wasn't true but i can't go back and change it. all i can do is go on from here). well soon after that thisman left me. I met my now dh just months after this happened and he met my grandmother. my grandmother liked him the minute she was him. at this time she was in deaths dore of cancer and I couldn't handle it. I met my dh in sept and my grandmother passed away in october my dh and i were married in jan. and we have been together for 20 years now. My dh knows everything he knows the guilti feel over not confiding to my grandmother about the baby he knows the guilt i feel over letting someone else decide for me what was right for me and my baby.

I alwasy like the name Sarah during the time i was pregenent and after and i always wondered if i would have named her sarah and what would i have given her as a middle name.

I am set free in my pain now that my baby has a name her name is Sarah Jane (named after my favorite sister) and even though Sarah Jane did about a year before my grandmother, my grandma Libby has caught my angle and is holding her for me to face them again in judgement day. I don't feel they are on the other side i got the feeling and the impression that it is a waiting period and a beautiful waiting perios to be as a holding pattern. I never knew what happend after life and death and now I know. that one day there will be a joyous reunion and then that day is the day I will meet my maker and have all the explaining i neex to do or maybe he already has her y thoughts the edplinations and we are just waiting until the day that jeasus comes back to gather his flocks onto the future. I don't know what the case may be, but i do now now that from this experience of what a nurse named Debbie calls my experience a near death experience. i will be watching out just a little hrder and trying just a little harding and trying just a litle harder to do the tings that god and jesus would want me to do.

I know this is a long post and I've thought for days while i was in the hospital exactly what I anted to say. I didnt want this to come off as another loony who says she as caught in the middle. I know that i wasn't dreaming and i felt her there. I also felt my father in law there. and he wan'tthere for me he was there for me to pass along a message ty my mother in law.

he said to tell her he knows how hard life is for her to go on living without him but she has a lot of accomplishment and peple who need her and for me to tell her "women get to it" and then had backed agay. i down't know what "women get to it mean'" but i'm sure she does. not i just have to find the right time to tellher and how to tell her that i saw hime and if i should tell her. maybe what someone said is correct that this was all a wishful thinking dream or my subconcions i don't know. but i feel this man didn't bring them here he didn't open the way for them to come that he just had the presense to allow them to come.

Does any of this make any sense any sense att all to you or am i just a rambling.

Libby

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 12-25-2006 - 11:37am

Hey Libby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 12:04am

Yes Lori, it's been ok. waking up and opening gifts and having breakfast. i went back to laydown my oldest dd took my other two dd's to their aunts house to do the cookie sense i wasn't up to it today. they called us and let us know when it would be ready. we got there a little late and they had started without us but 3 of my kids were there and people had places to go. I was lucky i got out at all today. It took a lot of persuasion for me to talk to dr. into letting me come hom eearlier then she had planned. but i promised to be good and iam. i have a canister of oxygen here if i need it and i have all the meds set out and where my dhcan find them and have briefed him of what to do if needed. so hopefully if i have an asthma episode he wn't sit on the couch with his thumb in his mouth like he sometimes does.

There wen't a lot of gift gifen this year. just some dollar store gifts and a walmart or two, but we have always taught our children that christmas isn't about what you are getting or what you are getting it's aoubt life and spending tiome with the people you love and telling them you love them.

This morning when we all opened our stocking inside were these little rocks and they were wraped up they were painted my littl 9 year old girl gave everyone a pet rock so we would never be alone again. My so who will be 11 gave everyone a white rock that he had found and he calls his a prayer rock. I tell you i don't know what they get these things but my prayer rock is sitting on my headboard right by my bed. I think tonight 'll put that prayer rock under my pillow.

Merry Christmas and Happy New years to everyone

Robin, Libby & Sarah Jane who has finally been found.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 10:44am

Hey Libby,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:13am

Wow Libby,


I'm so sorry about all that has happened.


How are you feeling now?

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Sun, 12-31-2006 - 6:27pm

Hi Lori, I haven't been on the computer all week i've just been laying around trying to heal and deal with the emotions of what has happened.

My dh and i had our therapy appt. thursday and we did go for that. I told her about the board here and about how much You have helped me here. she told me it was a good idea to keep coming here. although my husband didn't agree. she said it is nice to have someone to listen and offer support and another way of thinking that you don't know who isn't prejudice. Your words of kindness and wisdom have brought me through some very rough few weeks. and then to go and have an accident that almost took my life away was a big eye opener and spiritual opener.

I feel the presense of god angles around me all the time and when i become stressed or depressed i just close my eyes and draw stregnth from those spirits that are around me. I don't know if i believe in life after death before all this happened and i'm not sure if i'm one to question it now but i do know that sense my experience in the hospital i definitly feel different i feel the warmth and love of a spirit around me and i know that it is up to me to make what comes of life now.

I've learned that your life is not your own it belongs to those around you and how you share your life with those around you is how you will come out in the end!

does that make sense?

i'm having such a hard time expressing this and i'm trying to find an easier way to say it. but i feel that my life is not my own and i need to do something with it to make it all worthwhile!

and my name is Robin i'm not ashamed of that anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 2:19pm

Dear ROBIN, (YAY for not being ashamed of that anymore!!)


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