No reason to even live anymore

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
No reason to even live anymore
2
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 9:31pm

I feel so pathetic. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live like this either.

So many bad things have happened to me in the last 5 years that I just don't know how to even be normal. 5 years ago, my wedding was cancelled, and my fiance left me. A year later, I met someone and got married a year after that, just because I was tired of being alone. 4 months after I got married, my ex-fiance found out and committed suicide, and a year and a half later, I got divorced (he was verbally and physically abusive, so no loss there).

So I've been divorced for nearly 2 years, and living in a new city, trying to make my own way, 3 hours away from my family (because there were no jobs in my small town after I got fired during my divorce from a job I loved). I'm now on my 3rd job since I moved here, and it's alright, but nothing amazing.

Three months after I left my husband, I got forced into having sex with an acquaintance I worked with that I was considering dating (I don't like to call it rape), and I got pregnant (big surprise, because my ex husband and I never used birth control, and I was convinced that I was infertile). I had no other choice than to have an abortion, because I had just filed bankruptcy, and couldn't even support myself.

So it's now been 16 months since my abortion, and only 6 months since I started dating again. I've never had luck with dating (which is why I got engaged and married so quickly, I was just glad that someone loved me and wanted to be with me forever). I've dated 3 guys in that 6 months, one just didn't fit, the next was cheating on me with his ex-girlfriend (who is now harrassing me), and the last one...I really felt like he was The One...I've never felt for anyone (other than my ex-fiance) what I felt for him, it just hit fast and hard...and after I told him about my abortion on Friday, he basically just disappeared. Merry Christmas to me.

I'm 29 years old, and I have a good family, a nice job, a nice apartment, and good friends...but I feel so empty because I'm alone. All I've ever wanted was to be a wife and mother...and my time is running out. Don't tell me it isn't. I want my own child, not an adopted one or a foster one. And I want to be truly in love before I get married again, and be married a while before I have children. Therefore, if I don't get something started, my time is going to run to the bottom of the hourglass.

I just look into my future and see...nothing.

I just cna't do this anymore.

I've been to counseling, and it doesn't help me. Counseling basically just tries to convince me that there's nothing wrong with me, and I have to accept that it'll be OK. (And I had a great counselor...don't get me wrong...but my depression is because I'm alone...and counseling can't change that.) I've tried so hard to be happy...and I've also sat back and not tried and let it come to me. But as soon as I get happy, my house of cards just comes crashing down, and it's worse than before.

I just don't know what to do.

If I could look into my future and know that I would never be in a loving relationship, and never have children, I would end it right now, because those are my only reasons for living. I feel like every day until then is just waiting to see if it happens...

I guess I'm done. Not alot more to say.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 12-26-2006 - 11:04pm

Hi CJ311 and welcome to the board. I'm glad you found us--and especially glad to hear you don't really want to die. What you want (understandably!) is for the pain to stop and to be loved. Nothing wrong about that!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 12-27-2006 - 9:03am

Hi CJ and welcome to the board.


I am glad to hear that you REALLY don't want to die. I think it's true that we all just want to get better. To live without the pain. It can happen with work.


I'm sorry to hear that you were affected by someone else's suicide. I bet that caused some guilt, but know that it's not your fault.


I'm sorry to hear about the cancelled wedding, the divorce, the rape (I'll call it what it is) and the abortion. That must have been one terribly difficult decision to make.


I'm sorry you feel so alone. I understand wanting someone in your life. I want to get married for that reason but for reasons I won't go into, unless you ask, that doesn't look like it's going to happen, so I have to settle for what I can get - friends. Believe me you've got friends here if nowhere else.


I know you think that getting married and having your family will solve your problem, but you've got to learn to love yourself and your situation alone before you're truly ready for that step. So learn about yourself, use your talents and abilities and find out who YOU are before you go defining yourself by a relationship.


Counselling may not be the way to go but we all need someone to talk to from time to time and that's why I'm so glad that you found this board. Talk to us about anything. We're here for you.

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Amanda