Where do I go from here?
Find a Conversation
| Wed, 01-03-2007 - 3:22pm |
I don't consider myself suicidal anymore so this might be the wrong place for me. But anyhow here is my situation.
I'm 27 years old and last month I tried to kill myself. I called a suicide helpline who notified the local police and they stopped me and showed no compassion. In fact they hurt me very much both emotionally and physically. I felt a taser for the first time in my life and it hurt.
I was committed to a behavioral hospital where I was diagnosed as bipolar. I wasn't feeling suicidal when I was committed and it hurt me emotionally and made me feel like I was crazy. The psychiatrist on staff talked down to me and made me feel terrible about myself. I have a college degree and a stable job. I am not an idiot. I played along with his little mind games because I wanted to get out quickly as possible.
I found a new psychiatrist who seems wonderful. He has undone some of the damage the previous one did. I went from taking six medicines to sleep at night to just two (Seroquel and Trazodone).
My husband has not been supportive. I believe he thinks I'm crazy. He won't sleep with me anymore and we haven't had sex in over a month. I'm not sure if he loves me anymore. He spends most of his time drinking with some other girl that somehow seems to have moved in our house. I want his attention, but I don't seem to be getting it.
My job is suffering. I can't concentrate anymore. I actually feel crazy. I feel like a bad person. I feel like I should be suicidal even though I'm not.
Where do I go from here? What should I do? I want to stop feeling this way. I want to have my self esteem back. I want to not feel crazy. My emotions are very up and down right now. I'm just afraid.
Lin

Pages
Lin,
I'm outraged that the cops, doctors, and your DH are acting like jerks but I'm not too surprised about the cops and doctors part. When I've gotten traffic tickets, the police have been horrible to me- just degrading and humiliating, like you said- over traffic violations! (No one was hurt in the accident so they had no excuse- they were just on a power trip!)
I know how degrading and humiliating it feels! And the worst thing is, not knowing how to stick up for yourself becuase these people have power and they know it. I wanted to say something to this one police officer so badly, or complain about him, becuase he was just verbally abusive to me, but I was afraid to get a worse ticket if I did. But I can't forget it, and I'm pretty sure you feel the same way.
Doctors have treated me like that too when they decide it's all in my head- and this was for physical problems, not even mental health. They go on power trips too.
So they are just control freaks and jerks who abused their power and probably treat every helpless person like that because they can get away with it.
Now, your DH is another story. If anyone should be supportive it should be him. BUT I know some men are horrible at being supportive! (Mine, too). What's this about some girl living in your house? What? It's your house, too! No way, that's not cool.
You feel crazy becuase life is crazy and you've been around some crazy people. It's not just you. If you get into a more stable space you'll feel a lot better.
Of course, there was a reason you tried to kill yourself in the first place and you do need to address that.
So, where do you go from here:
1. Write letters to the hospital and police station that hurt you. You don't have to send them but maybe you'll want to. Or just use it to get your thoughts out.
2. Kick that girl out of your house!
3. Write down the reasons you tried to kill yourself in the first place.
4. Make a plan to address them.
5. Find out why your DH is not being supportive.
6. Get some really supportive people in your corner.
Is that a good start?
Hi Lin and welcome to the board! I hope you will stick around and get to know us and vice versa. This is a really safe and supportive place to be!
Like Blue, I too am outraged (though not particularly surprised I'm sad to say) at your treatment! I also can understand your feelings re: the hospitalization and being talked down to (I've been through it too unfortunately).
Hi Lin, I don't have any words of wisdom for you right now in your situation but I can offer you a hug and a ear to listen.
robin
>>>And the worst thing is, not knowing how to stick up for yourself becuase these people have power and they know it.<<<
AMEN! Ultimately we are powerless when put into these situations. We are at the mercy of police officers, doctors. In the behavioral hospital we are the lowest form of life. Even nurses and techs have more power than us. With so much uncertainty it was a very scary time in my life.
>>>What's this about some girl living in your house? What? It's your house, too! No way, that's not cool.<<<
She had just graduated so the dorms had closed and she didn't have any money. DH met her through some friends. She needed a place to stay and DH allowed her to stay for a while. I couldn't bear to throw someone out when they don't have a place to sleep. She and I get along great which I don't understand because I know that I should hate her. She now has a place of our own, but DH won't kick her out because she finds our place fun.
The bottom line is I worry about losing DH if I kick her out and I worry about having to face her later on if I kick her out.
>>>Of course, there was a reason you tried to kill yourself in the first place and you do need to address that.<<<
I found out that my husband had been sleeping with the girl that is staying in our house. I was drinking, smoking pot and took some anti-anxiety meds at the time. Everything in culmination set me into a suicidal mode.
>>>1. Write letters to the hospital and police station that hurt you. You don't have to send them but maybe you'll want to. Or just use it to get your thoughts out.<<<
I already did, but then I burned them because I realized that I would never end up sending them.
>>>2. Kick that girl out of your house!<<<
I want to but I don't know how. I always end up putting others before myself.
>>>3. Write down the reasons you tried to kill yourself in the first place.<<<
I did that in this posting. Drug and the affair sent me off. After catching them two more times my husband said he would put a stop to it and right now my husband swears up and down nothing is going on, but he still doesn't touch me.
>>>4. Make a plan to address them.<<<
My plan is to never drink or use non-prescribed drugs again.
>>>5. Find out why your DH is not being supportive.<<<
This might sound dumb, but how?
>>>6. Get some really supportive people in your corner.<<<
My mom lives many miles away, but she has been really supportive. She drove eight hours one way for a two hour visit to see me in the behavioral hospital. THAT is support.
Lin
>>>The ONLY way I can see a taser justified is if the person was physically endangering the officers and there were no other ways of subduing the person!<<<
They came in with the tasers lit up (they have little laser sites). It scared me so badly I ran into the bedroom and locked the door. They had to beat down the door after tear gassing didn't work. They tasered me soon as they saw a body part. I am a professional who doesn't like to upset people. I never thought I would be tasered in my lifetime.
I have no weapons in my house and I was a threat to nobody but myself. At that point I was barely at threat to myself. I actually went into self preservation mode after seeing the tasers.
>>>Do you have the officers names or badge numbers?<<<
It was so long ago (about a month) that I am letting it go.
>>>One thing you said puzzled me...you were suicidal enough to act on it, but then when brought to the hospital you weren't suicidal?<<<
Yes. I don't understand it either, but I change dramatically when I had control taken away from me. Adrenaline seized me and I tried to take charge of my life again. I was only thrust harder into the ground. My goal was to prove I was not insane, but the lacerations on my arms made that impossible. I had my, 'professional mode,' so I didn't have to deal with the reality of the situation which is that I was/am? completely messed up.
>>>What's up with your husband and this girl that has "somehow" moved in?<<<
I really think she moved in for legitimate reasons, but I snapped when they started having sex. I am sick and tired of him screwing around while telling everyone I am fine with it. I think he might have stopped now though. I told him that was a major factor in my decision to end it all.
Right now she doesn't want to leave because we are so welcoming. I can't switch off my niceties like a normal person.
>>>your marriage is in need of some help<<<
The doctor in the behavioral hospital taunted me with this. He made me feel like dirt. I know my marriage needs some help. I just don't know how to fix it.
>>>Perhaps you might also consider seeing a psychotherapist?<<<
I am also seeing a therapist, but she keeps breaking our appointments and so far I have only seen her once.
Lin
Hi Lin,
I had no idea that the girl actually slept with your husband from reading your first post! You don't owe her or your DH anything at this point... I still say kick her out! You worry what she will think of you, but she obviously does not care about you at all already becuase she is using you and she slept with your husband.
"Find out why your DH is not being supportive.<<<
This might sound dumb, but how?"
I meant talk it over with him... but that was before you explained that he was cheating on you. That changes things a lot.
You don't deserve to be used and abused like this.
>>>I meant no disrespect, ok?<<<
I didn't mean you were taunting me in any way. My first psychiatrist was the one who did that. He was a real bastard about my marriage. I know it has problems, but that shouldn't constantly be thrown in my face.
>>>I also didn't know that tear gas was used and that you were left with lacerations.<<<
The lacerations are my fault. I did that myself. It was my method. Tear gas is only an assumption based on the fact it burned the eyes nose and throat badly. It was *not* like in a movie where they shoot canisters of stuff through your window. He stuck a small canister of something, sprayed it then suddenly I couldn't breath or see. I have no idea what it actually was. I was hysterical screaming and crying by that point anyhow.
>>>it may take you some time to process the way you were treated and be able to move forward and trust other professionals.<<<
I am putting full faith in my new psychiatrist. He has already helped me a great deal. He got me off Lithium which made me feel like I was crawling up a wall. He put me on Trileptal. It makes me sleepy, but it doesn't make me feel like I'm about to have a panic attack.
>>> I hadn't met previously labeled me "Possible Multiple Personality Disorder"<<<
My first psychiatrist in the behavioral hospital labeled me Borderline Personality Disorder. My new psychiatrist said that was way off and he had no idea why I was labeled that.
>>>Again, I'm sorry you are struggling with so many stressors right now and I hope you will post again should you feel the need!<<<
Right now I just feel like my world is spinning so fast that I can't grab enough focus to gain control. It is like everything is a blur and I don't know what to do in order to get those precious moments of clarity where I can see a clean crisp picture.
Lin
>>>You don't owe her or your DH anything at this point<<<
I know this sounds pathetic, but I love him and I want to keep him. We have been together for ten and a half years now. I was sixteen when I first met him.
>>>You worry what she will think of you, but she obviously does not care about you at all already<<<
I realize how pathetic I am. You are giving good advice ... really! I just am a very non-confrontational wimp. I need my husband to kick her out. Maybe I can at least get him to do it for a weekend assuming he stays around and doesn't party this weekend.
>>>I meant talk it over with him... but that was before you explained that he was cheating on you. That changes things a lot.<<<
I am MOSTLY accustomed to the whole cheating thing. He has been with about 30 women. My biggest problem is that he would do it in our house. He knows how much it bothers me so that was very disrespectful.
I know we need to talk, but that is difficult. If SHE leaves for a while then it could get easier. Maybe that is why he keeps her around so much. I really don't know.
Lin
You're not pathetic. You definately deserve a better life than this, though. Anyone would have a breakdown with so much emotional pain.
I have thought about it and I know I'd still love my DH if he cheated on me but I'd probably hate him too.
Your DH sounds like a sex addict. There are support groups for spouses of sex addicts, called S-anon. Here's the web site: http://www.sanon.org/
Edited 1/4/2007 5:32 pm ET by bluerains
Pages