Where do I go from here?
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| Wed, 01-03-2007 - 3:22pm |
I don't consider myself suicidal anymore so this might be the wrong place for me. But anyhow here is my situation.
I'm 27 years old and last month I tried to kill myself. I called a suicide helpline who notified the local police and they stopped me and showed no compassion. In fact they hurt me very much both emotionally and physically. I felt a taser for the first time in my life and it hurt.
I was committed to a behavioral hospital where I was diagnosed as bipolar. I wasn't feeling suicidal when I was committed and it hurt me emotionally and made me feel like I was crazy. The psychiatrist on staff talked down to me and made me feel terrible about myself. I have a college degree and a stable job. I am not an idiot. I played along with his little mind games because I wanted to get out quickly as possible.
I found a new psychiatrist who seems wonderful. He has undone some of the damage the previous one did. I went from taking six medicines to sleep at night to just two (Seroquel and Trazodone).
My husband has not been supportive. I believe he thinks I'm crazy. He won't sleep with me anymore and we haven't had sex in over a month. I'm not sure if he loves me anymore. He spends most of his time drinking with some other girl that somehow seems to have moved in our house. I want his attention, but I don't seem to be getting it.
My job is suffering. I can't concentrate anymore. I actually feel crazy. I feel like a bad person. I feel like I should be suicidal even though I'm not.
Where do I go from here? What should I do? I want to stop feeling this way. I want to have my self esteem back. I want to not feel crazy. My emotions are very up and down right now. I'm just afraid.
Lin

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Lin,
Welcome to the group. Please don't feel this isn't the place for you. We have a wonderful group of people and you would be welcome if you had never even heard about suicide. This is a place to learn, grow and make friends.
I too am bipolar and have similar hospital experience. I have also been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder in the past and that's all they see when they look at me, like someone just needing attention and all I need to do is find my identity get out of therapy and get on with life.
>>> I got the dreaded "trazodone hangover"<<<
What is a, "Trazodone hangover?" I thankfully don't think I have received that side-effect.
>>> I was considering seroquel as a mood stabilizer but read that it can cause weight gain. What has your experience been?<<<
Trazodone 150mg and Seroquel 100mg are only used to help me sleep. The only side effects I have had are sleepiness. Unfortunately I still don't always sleep through the night. I spend a lot of time each day lethargic and drowsy as a result of failing to achieve enough rest at night.
A very thin girl said, "All God's children should have Seroquel," and I have to agree. It is a good drug.
For mood stabilization I use Abilify 20mg and Trileptal 600mg.
>>> I am also adding a second mood stabilizer tegretol.<<<
Have you considered trying Trileptal instead of Tegretol. The way I understand it Trileptal is like Tegretol without all the possible side-effects.
>>> When I see my dr however we are changing from perphenazine to haldol because my psychosis is breaking through<<<
Haldol? I left the behavioral hospital afraid of that drug. I heard a lot of horror stories while there. I had conversations with the drug nurse and she told me a lot of bad things about it. Have you already gone through all the second generation atypical anti-psychotics like Risperdal and Abilify?
>>>I bet it's not because he doesn't love you, but a failure to understand.<<<
This is what I think also. I love him so much. I know I hurt him by my suicide attempt and I own up to that pain.
BTW: The drugs I mentioned are relatively new. The first time I went to get my Abilify they didn't have it in stock at my regular pharmacy. They didn't have my insurance card on file at my new pharmacy. The cost was $550 dollars for a one months supply and after insurance it cost me $50. I almost felt stupid for buy one pill for $30 on my first night home.
Lin
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