Just thinking and new here

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Just thinking and new here
2
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 9:13pm
Hi I just found this board. Suicide runs in my family with an uncle who did it and my 3 sisters including myself who have thought about it. I often think of how it would be nice to drive my car into a tree to end my emotional and physical pain. A brief background: I have post traumatic stress disorder, dissociative identity disorder, panic attacks, severe depression and I am bipolar. I have a thyroid disorder which limits certain medications that I can take. I have chronicaly herniated a disc in my sacroilliac joint as well as osteoarthritis and moderate degenerative disc disease. I am only 35 with all this mess, I cant stand to think of what it will be like in another 5 years. i just quit my job one month ago because of the stress in my life I really couldnt take it. Dh lost 2 jobs in 4 months and he is the type of man who stays at a job for years. We lost so much during this time and we have a 1 year old baby and a 7 year old too. I love my family but bad luck really follows me everywhere I go and I am so sick of it. I keep waiting for the next bomb to hit. I am seeing a psych doc and I have been since 2000 and i have been in psychotherapy before and support groups too. I am on medication for depression and bipolar issues. Sometimes I cant sleep because I am so depressed and I go online to look up suicide. The only thing that so far is keeping me from doing it is my eternal future. I mean will I go to heaven if I take my life? You dont have to answer that I am just venting. Am I suicidal if I think about killing myself but have not done anything? i used to self mutilate and I remember the feeling of no pain. I am so afraid that if I tell my doc all of this she will put me away. I just always tell her everything is great. I am such a great master of disguising my dispair to the public. that is one thing I do well and that is fool people but sometimes the pain hits me like a brick and other times I am fine but that thought is still there it just isnt consuming me. Does this actually make me suicidal or not? I am really confused. I dont want to say that I am to my doc unless that is really what it is. My meds work for a while and then it seems like they stop working and i dont realize it until it is too late. Sometimes I feel good and forget to take my meds and then again I am in big trouble and spend days reeling from the sudden drops in my system. I feel so alone and crazy sometimes. I often dream of checking myself into a hospital and they find the perfect medicine for me and take it all away. I never realized this before until recently that medicine doesnt cure you, it just helps you to cope better. Sorry for going on and on. thank you for your input.Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 11:36am

Hi Jessica and welcome to the board! I wish none of us ever felt so bad so as to need such a place but I'm glad it's here and good for you for reaching out! I know that can take a lot of courage!


First, let me say that you are NOT alone--even though you may feel that way! Many of us here--including myself, have felt as you do now. In fact, reading your post it struck me that I could have written it myself just a few short years ago as I too have been diagnosed with: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Attacks and Major Depression. (And once, a professional thought I fit the criteria for a Dissociative Identity Disorder diagnosis.) I saw a psychiatrist for a while, a therapist every week, I had a case manager at one time, was on medication and was hospitalized multiple times for the depression and suicidal impulses/ideation. I remember feeling hopeless for a number of years and thinking "What's the point? It's never going to turn around for me." But I was wrong, and life did eventually get MUCH better for me beginning JUST TWO MONTHS after my last hospitalization. That is why I STRONGLY believe that NO ONE'S SITUATION IS HOPELESS--nope, not even yours!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:49pm

Jessica the first step is for you to make an appt. with you doc and to tell him/her everything. you can't get better until you admit to yourself or your doc there is a problem. just because you tell them you think you are suicidal doesn't mean they will put you in a hospital. I know exactly how you feel about going to the hospital because i've been there and i feel the exact same way. I am seeing a therapist everyweek and we agreed that as long as I see her everyweek I can stay out of the hospital. sometimes i still think about hitting that tree or that wall that i used to call mine.

but a few weeks ago something happened to me that made me look at life in a whole different way. there are times i still wish and think that if i just take the step and do it the pain will go away. but then I remember what i went through and how I had to fight to keep my life it brings me through those bad times. Life is a fight everyday for some of us. don't look at your life right now as weeks at a time. sometimes you just have to take 1 hour at a time and get through that hour and then the next. I don't have a very good family support system and I can tell you honestly that right now my only support system comes from the people on this board.

When I was suicidal or so down I would just come here and tyepe what i was feeling just to get it out. I didn't know if anyone actually read what i wrote or cared what i wrote but putting it out there helped me so much. and then the responses came and I found that i wasn't alone that others were feeling what I thought. The ladies on this board help me get through every day. A day doesn't go by (well when i was sick and the computer was down) that i don't come here and read or post!

right now you need a good support system and coming here we will helpyou all we can.

but as i've said first you need to be honest with your doctor and tell him/her exactly what you are feeling so he/she can help you deal with it and find ways to cope.

good luck and we are here for you.

robin