Need help with a difficult situation
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| Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:40pm |
Ok one of my dd's is 16, she will be 17 on Jan. 26th. so I called her my 17 year old her name is E. When i was trying to put my foot down and show them that i mean business is also the time when i was very suicidal and loosing it. This is the same child that smacked me in the face and knocked me into the glass windows covering my wall. My reaction was not good. I walked over and smacked her. She said i smacked her in the back I thought i smacked her in the shoulder I don't know because at this point i was shocked and acting from that. E has had major back surgery 2 years ago to correct her scoliousis and kiphosis(sp) she has metal rods that run from her neck down her spine to her waist. If i smacked her in the back i know it hurt her. she is doing ok with that and we have been to the dr. for that and no damage done exception emotionaly.
Now my problem is this. Several nights before this violent fight between us. I had told her if she didn't straighten up i would take 1 thing from her each time and it would be gone. Well when she didn't do what she was asked made a smart remark or ignored me on 2 different occasions I went into her room and grabbed the first thing off of her dresser. they are little jewlry boxes shaped like furniture that was given to her by her aunt for christmas years ago. I took them and hid them. had no intention of throwing them away even though she thought i did. I was planning on giving them back to her in a year or so when she outgrew this behavior she has now. So I have those two pieces. but the problem is the night of the violent fight between us after she smacked me i walked into her room grabbed what was close and thrrew it to the floor and broke it!!! Yes I know i acted like a child and i'm feeling a lot of guilt over that. She still has the two pieces sitting on her dresser and her feelings are very very hurt over this. Well yesterday she was helping me to get a box off the shelf in my closet and there were the other two pieces. I told her look i'm really sorry I broke that piece (i've appologised already for it but she wouldn't accept my appology) last night i tried to give her back the two pieces but she just had a blank look on her face and told me that sense i broke the one piece she didn't want the other pieces back. I want to make this up to her but i don't know how. She won't accept the appology and this is the one big thing that is still between us. I don't know if she can get past her anger and hatred of me for breaking this jewlry box and a few other things that I broke!!! I was wrong I know i was wrong i've told her i was wrong and that i know it will be hard for her to forgive me for this and that i hope one day she will find it in her heart to forgive me. When I said this she was looking at the ceiling and trying not to cry. when i finished she walked out of the room and told me she would never accept my appology and she would always hate me for this.
I guess my question to you all is what else can i do. I don't want years to pass and her to still hate me or resent me for this. my own mother did things like that and never acknowledge she did them let alone appologise and I hate my own mother till this day and she is gone. Is there something else I can do or say that can make things right or should i just leave it go and hope that one day she will forgive me?
Robin

Hey Robin,
I've been thinking and I can't remember my parents ever apologizing to me. And we had our share of fights and emotional scenes, too. But I love them anyway.
You've apologized and that should mean something.
I don't think taking things away is a good way of gettting respect. I don't have kids, but just imagining it myself, it would make me feel insecure. And it's kind of like saying, "Respect me or else I'll punish you" when the message should be, "respect me because I'm your mother."
But overall I think you're being too hard on yourself. As long as you don't do it again, I don't think your daughter will be hurt for life by this. No one can be a perfect Mom but the important thing is that you're trying.
I have an idea- why don't you tell your daughter that you realized your method of taking things away is not fair, but you need something to replace it. You need some sort of consequence for unacceptable behavior and a way of having discipline in the family. Then ask her for advice on what would be fair to her. Also, ask her to put herself in your shoes and ask her what she would think is fair if she were a Mom with kids of her own. Which may happen one day- so it's good to think about that, too!
Overall, I can tell you're a good mom and you love your kids and you try really, really hard to do what's best for them. That's all anyone can ask for!
Edited 1/7/2007 6:03 pm ET by bluerains
I did get her to one of my sessions after it happened. she wold't go with me but after propting and praticly bribing her she came. thats when things started to improve with us somewhat. I brought it up i the therapy session and we talked about it alot.
I don't know if she is willing to go with me again I left that up to her. I told her I would ask her to go again but i wouldn't make her or bribe her to go.
I asked my sil where she got it from but she doesn't remember because it was so many years ago. and my sil and i aren't talking not only because of that incident but we don't speak much because seh is addicted to pain meds and has stolen them out of my house. so our relationship isn't very good ang when i told her about the jewlry boxes she lost it.
E my dd wants to go to Mid Evil Times. It's very expensive and i thought about taking her for her birthday. she will be 17 this month. I thought about having her take a friend or just taking her i'm not sure what i'll do yet. i've been searching on the internet and things trying to find the jewlry box to replace the one i broke. they came in a set of three and i broke one of them. they were jewlry boxes shaped like antique furniture and white porcilian trimmed with gold. I have the other two pieces but she doesn't want them back because she said they are no value to her now with the other one broken. I will hold onto the other two just incase someday she wants them back.
Today has been an ok day today.
robin
Hi Robin,