new here - triggers
Find a Conversation
| Mon, 01-15-2007 - 11:03pm |
hi, my name is susan and i am new here. i was sexually abused as a child and as an adult and i am currently in therapy for all this and i am suicidal. i have just posted on the sexually abused board and thought i'd come here because this is what i am at. i have had 3 attempts, obviously unsuccessful because i am writing this. my choice is drugs and alcohol but even in my most drugged and drunken state, i manage to call for help. guess i don't want to die although ifeel like it. i just wrote a long post about all this and hit enter or something but it didn't show up so here i go again. my therapist wanted me to have someone other than her to tell my woes to and since i have no friends and my family can't hear me, i chose ya'll. just a few pills and i'd be flying, already have enough alchol in my system. hard to resist since the drs. keep prescribing them. they've taken away the the xanax and the lorazapam but i still have the trazadone, oxycodone, darvacet, and loratab. maybe they want me gone so i won't bug them anymore. i can be a drain on the system. anyway here i am. mom to three, two still at home, 16 and 13. i have apologized to them for the previous attempts and told them that something really bad happened to me as a child and that i try to committ suicide i really don't want to die, i just want to get away from the pain, i'm not sure that makes any difference if i finally succede in killing myself. i will live through the night, my granddaughter, 3 1/2 has surgery tomorrow and i will be there for her and my daughter, so another day in paradise for me, but how do you go from day to day? what gives you the strength to be here tomorrow? how to i hang on when the urge to die is so strong? do my past failures say that i really don't want to die? i need any help you can give.
susaninkansas

I cant give too much advice since I am in the same boat too about wanting to die but the feelings for me come and go throughout the day and sometimes somehow i hold on till it passes. I am thankful for my depression sometimes because i dont want to move, i lay there and that lack of energy sometimes saves me from the deed. Good luck and keep posting
Jessica
Hi Susan and welcome to the board--although I wish it were such that none of us ever felt such pain so as to need a board like this... Anyway, I'm glad you found us and I hope you'll stick around and get to know us and vice versa!
What strikes me most about your post is the simultaneous sense of the tremendous emotional pain you are in --as well as the sense that I could have written such a post a few short years ago. I too was sexually abused--from childhood into adulthood (stepfather) and though I did the best I could to get through it as a child, once I was out on my own for a short time I fell apart and it got worse as the years progressed. I considered myself a "drain on the system" since I was in therapy weekly, saw a psychiatrist and at one point after I filed suit against my abuser was in and out of the mental health units quite frequently for years. It got so bad I even had a case manager at one point.
thanks lori and jessica for your response. jessica, i am so sorry that you are in the same boat as i am. i wish we all could go to a bridge, better yet a trash dump, and dump everything in it. it bet it would fill up fash. lori, i never thought of go to a rape crisis center because it happened so very long ago. it's the pits that what happened 45 years ago could be now ruling my life, but it seems to be. i think my meds have a lot to do with my current deep depression. they were changed less than a month ago, from one to another, and either they are the wrong meds, or i need more of them. i did manage to get into my reg doc a few days early, but i called my therapist and asked her if she could use her doctor powers to get me in this week. i guess i will know tomorrow. dh goes out of town this weekend, so it is just me and the kids and the booze and the pills and the depression and lord only knows what i will do. maybe if i can get my meds upped or changed at least i can hold on to that to get me thru the weekend. i would love to do stuff, but like jessica, some days the couch is all i can manage. i have talked to my kids and told them that something really bad happened to be as a child and that while i tried to commit suicide, i was really trying to just get away from the pain and that i had nothing to do with them, that i loved them beyond life but i just wasn't thinking about them and was so focused on my pain, not the pain that i would cause them. boy did that hurt talking to them and seeing my 13 yo just have tears rolling down his face. but i made it though that sober and then proceeded to drink myself silly. oh well. i am still here and i guess that is all that matters for the moment. again, thanks for your responses and jessica, if you hang in here with me, i'll hang in here with you. deal?
susan
Hi Susan,
Welciome to the board Susan.
I know how hard it is to be at the end of your rope and just not want to hang on anymore. You're probably right in that you didn't really want to die. Most people don't. Most people just know that they can't keep living the way things are and instead of finding other ways to live they choose to die. I'm not trying to make light of your pain or SU attempts. I'm just saying I know what it's like to feel "I can't live like this anymore".
Anyway, welcome to the group. I'm sure you will find many kind, caring and understanding individuals here.
lori,
i chose to tell my kids, 13 and 16, because there were in the house when my first and third suicide attempts occurred and i felt that not saying anything was worse than telling them what was going on. imagine having your mom taken away in an ambulance with the police stomping through your house getting your drugs and you not knowing anything more than, mom is sick and needs to go to the doctor. my kids and i are very close and have always been open with each other. i wanted to let them know that it was my pain i was trying to get away from, not them. since i have talked to them, there have been positive changes in them. they are not so uptight and will now interact with me. i think more importantly, they go back to ignoring me knowing that it's okay. my mom had two suicide attempts when i was a kid, at age 7 and again at 9, and no one ever said a word. in fact when i have tried to talk with her about it, she completely denies the events ever happened. i refuse to leave my kids in that place. they have asked questions about what i did and i have answered them honestly. i will never tell them that i was abused by their grandfather, they don't need to know that, just that at times my pain is so great that i don't think and try to make the pain go away. on the other hand, my t called my regular doc and i have an appointment with him on friday so maybe this weekend will be better. guess i have to stick around until then to find out. please note that i did not take your note as criticism, but i thought i would explain my position. i would also like to mention that my t agreed with my decision to talk to them and with what i was going to say to them.
susan
Hey Susan,
I hope that you are doing ok. I was sexually abused (raped multiple times) by the same person when I was 17. I didnt realize it was rape because I kept letting him hang out with me out of fear and guilt and a longing to be loved but I always said no and he always forced me and he made me feel so bad. I wonder if a support group would help. I never thought of that and I tend to blame myself which doesnt help. I can relate to the drinking part as well. On my meds (and there are many) I am not supposed to drink and I go through phases where I drink a lot everyday and then I dont for a while but I will substitute the alcohol with food and when I drink, I dont eat. It really stinks that the abusers are still with us in memory affecting our lives after so many years. I am not ready to go to a support group because I am not really at terms with the fact that I was raped even though I know I was, it is something I try to deny. I hope that you can face your terrible trauma and get help or at least talk to us about it so that maybe down the road we will be free from the prison that we live in.
Hugs,
Jessica