Suicidal? or Just too Tired to function?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2003
Suicidal? or Just too Tired to function?
2
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 12:45pm

I think about death a lot. Everyday, Every hour, sometimes every minute. I hear my self tell people that I am taking it day by day when truthfully there are times that I have to think about putting my leg out to take that next step or that next breath. It takes an awful lot of energy to make it through a day that way to be faced with a life-draining evening of questioning looks about why dinner isn't better or the house isn't cleaner or the kids haven't had more energy run out of them.

I am tired. Tired of living certainly and tired of functioning. I think about Death but I can't do it. There are so many things that I can't let happen. I can't let my kids think I abandoned them. I can't let my parents think they did something wrong raising me. I can't leave my husband to do all this by himself. But I am not bettering any of their lives by being here. I am unable to cope with all the stress and anger that has manifested itself in my life over the last few years. I am bitter and so tired.

So where do I turn when I don't want to die but I don't want to live either? I just want to sleep and not wake up, it is the only time I don't feel. I don't believe I will actively take my own life but I do wonder if I were in the street staring at the oncoming bus would I be able to exert the effort to move out of the way or would I just close my eyes?

I am too broke for doctor visits and too humiliated to involve those close to me who are counting on me to continue to be strong over the next few months which should see many of the stresses of the last few years resolved. If only I can do it without slipping into a depression induced coma maybe I can start channeling what little energy I have into feeling better rather than merely surviving to take the next breath or the next heartbeat or the next step. I hope I can. That seed of hope is all I have going for me right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Tue, 01-16-2007 - 3:12pm

Hi and welcome to the board. This is a safe supportive place to be and I'm glad you found us!


First let me say congrats on reaching out. I know that can sometimes be overwhelming in itself but you did it and that is the second step in my opinion--the first being awareness that a problem exists. I'm also glad to hear you say that you don't really want to die--and also that you have a lot to live for in terms of family whom you seem to love dearly and I'm sure love you just as much. What you want is what any of us have wanted in your situation and that is for the pain to stop!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Wed, 01-17-2007 - 1:55pm

hi mom2vi welcome to the board.


I am glad that you have found us. I can say from experience that I know exactly how you feel. Whether you are suicidal or just too tired of functioning is a good question. Related I'm sure. Usually suicide happens when people have reached the end of their rope and have been holding on for some time. That's not to say that it is the right decision for you or anyone else. I know that you are sick of holding on minute for minute but that's just what you've got to do.


Also, keep posting here. You will find lots of people who can relate and perhaps share their tips for holding on.

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Amanda