I feel so dumb

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
I feel so dumb
7
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 9:09am
I feel so anxious, dumb, silly, stupid.... I told one of my good friends all the nasty dirt on my unstable mental condition. I told her everything. Now I feel so embarrassed that I just want to die. I feel like I can never show my face again. She was not judgemental at all but part of who I am is that I feel like everyone is out to get me and they are making fun of me behind my back and that I look like a complete idiot and totally unstable. I guess that I am all of those things, it is just ugly for the world to see it too. I usually do a good job of hiding it and then I hit rock bottom like last week and I want to hurt myself. Usually I just scratch myself to release but I also have visions of how I am going to do "IT". I told dh last night about how my DID is acting up and how depressed I am and my thoughts of ending it. this was a huge step for me because I did not want him to reject me. I have kept everything a secret and he actually sat down with me and told me that he doesnt love me any less and he asked if we can get me some help for my DID,Bipolar and suicidal thoughts. I couldnt believe that he was that sweet. My life has just been one bad thing after another since I was born. I am so sick of it. I have no hope for my future and I am terrified of when the next major bomb is going to drop in my life. I am so scared and have no stability in my mind of my mental state and my life. I feel so paranoid. I need to tell my pdoc but I am so afraid of what she will say or do. I really dont want anyone to know the ugly truth of who I really am. I cant even face it. How can I feel comfortable telling anyone else. Even if they seem fine with it I am afraid that they are going behind my back and scheming against me. i am sorry if I sound like a crazy nut.
Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 11:08am

Hi Jessica,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 11:20am
Thank you Lori for your kind words. I just made an appointment with my pdoc! It is for the 26th. She could have seen me earlier but all the appointments were late in the afternoon and I pick up dd after school. She definitely cant be there for this. Till then I will try to keep up the charade of well being. My sisters help me to deal with things too and I call them often when things get bad. The feelings come in waves where it is unbearable or ok. I guess that is just part of who I am too. I liked your description of a band aid which is how I talk to my pdoc. this will be the first time that I am going to tell her everything no matter what. Since I forget so much, I am going to write everything down till then that way I dont have to remember.
Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 6:00pm

Hey Jess,


Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Thu, 01-18-2007 - 7:52pm

I think it's brave and honest to tell a good friend your real thoughts and feelings. I know it's really hard because it's scary to be vulnerable and you might be rejected. But in the end if someone rejects you they weren't that great a friend to begin with. At least you were geniuine!

Last summer I was honest with a good friend for the first time and she actually rejected me. But even though the worst has happened the world goes on, and I have other people who love me. And even though it breaks my heard I keep reminding myself that if she would desert me for being real, for being me, than she was not a true friend anyway. At least I was real! And at least you are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 10:06am
Thank you for that story. How could your ex-friend be so shallow. I guess it is the right thing to be real after all, it lets you know where you stand too.
Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:28am

Jessica, I don't think you are a bady silly person. I think you are wonderful sweet person and so is your dh. a few weeks ago i broke down and told one of my friends exactly what i was going through and how i felt. I've only known this person for 3 years. everyday she calls me just to talk sometime i guess she can hear in my voice what kind of day i'm having and she will ask me "how are you feeling today" that opens the lines of comunication if i need someone to talk to that lets me know she is ready to listen. if i don't feel like talking about it she just says ok but if you need me i'm here. she has proven to be a live in the face type so to speak that i can talk to and sometimes she offers advice sometimes she offers support sometimes she tells me that what i'm feeling she feels too and that it's normal.

Maybe this friend can be your "in the face live person you need for support"

I hope she takes what youve said to her and uses it to help you or just be part of your support group

and yea for you hubby for being so sweet and understanding cause mine sure isn't.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 3:01pm

Jessica,


You are not dumb, stupid or an idiot. You may feel embarassed but just like you said she is not judgmental so there is nothing to be embarassed about.


Your dh sounds like a great resource and I'm glad you have him on your side. Together you will find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Amanda