Too much pain-vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Too much pain-vent
6
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 8:39pm
I am feeling really overwhelmed and feeling sorry for myself. I need to vent. I have degenerative disc disease, osteoarthritis and chronic herniated discs in my lower back. This has plagued me for 9 years. I have an underactive thyroid (on meds), depression, bipolar, and DID (all of this on meds). I have had malignant melanoma and also cervical dysplasia with some cancerous cells caught early. I had surgery a few months ago for rectal bleeding and fissures which are still acting up. I feel like my body is failing me and I am only 35. A couple of years ago my mom was battling lung cancer and passed away and at the same time my dh was diagnosed with a rare form of penile cancer. The doctors wanted to perform a penectomy, dh refused and I found him a younger doctor who wanted to try a less radical surgery. He has been cancer free and we had dd one year ago. Since then, we bought a new car one month before she was born and a new sofa. Things were going ok but in August, dh was fired. I was working not making much but managed to get us through for 3 months while he couldnt find a job. We only had money for the necessary things like food, gas, power and rent. Since he was home, we couldnt afford our babysitter which is a dear friend of mine. She had to find another job immediately. During those 3 months our car got repossesed and our credit card was charged off now they have a judgement against us and we are being sued because we have not paid on our sofa. Anyway, dh got a job finally that had good benefits which we need since I have health issues. His job requires him to take a state license exam so after a month of training he took the exam and failed. During this time I quit my job because we couldnt afford $1,200 per month daycare for our 2 dd and since our car was repoed we only have a small truck and my job kept me at work past the time that daycare centers close and I didnt know of anyone who babysits. So, he takes the exam again and fails it again and it cost us $70 which was food $. His job fired him but told him if he took the test again and passed that they may hire him back. The brakes on our truck were failing really badly and we only had $70 to our name so we had to decide do we try and fix the brakes ourselves or pay to take the test again. We chose the test. We had to wait a whole month for the nest test date. During this time neither of us was working and our truck is barely stopping. He took the test and passed with flying colors!!! But on the way home the truck has total brake failure. Our friends had it towed to the shop for us and the estimate was $600. By a miracle I get a check in the mail for $750 for my last commission from my job! We had no food at all in the home and we ate all of our pasta and rice and I used all of our flour and yeast making bread and pancakes whatever I had in the pantry we used. We swallowed our pride and got help with our groceries and found out that dh would be hired back. During these few months our finances have been ruined. We filed for bankruptcy after dh had cancer and treatments years ago since he was out of work and things got bad. So now where do we go from here. I feel happy to be a SAHM and it saves us $ too but I keep waiting for someone to either garnish his wages and we will end up homeless and the emotional pain that I am going through with all of this stress along with my severe debilitating back pain is throwing me over the edge. It hits me like bricks. I am tired all day, wake up at night with nightmares. I feel like someone will come into my home and take all of our stuff away. I am afraid all the time and it is making my DID act up like crazy. Where do I go from here when it all seems so hopeless and useless. I have gone through therapy and meds and tried to live my life well and do good things and every time I turn around something else happens and it is not little things it is major things. I havent even yet really grieved over my mothers death and I know that is coming to surface because I have nightmares over her too and there are abuse issues with her and stepfather that I have not totally worked through. I need to go to the doctor and make sure my cervical dysplasia isnt back, get help for my rectal issues, my back pain, have my thyroid checked for the right levels, talk to my pdoc and tell her everything and I am just so overwhelmed. Money of course is an issue, I cant afford all the copays and the tests and meds. Thanks for letting me go on and on.
Avatar for alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 01-19-2007 - 11:30pm
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Edited 9/12/2009 1:36 pm ET by alsmith32
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 11:18am

Hi Jessica,


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Sat, 01-20-2007 - 6:19pm

When it rains it pours! It's so hard to have money problems and it's so hard to be sick, never mind the two combined.

It's also a vicious cycle because stress makes health problems flare up like crazy. And of course medical care is so expensive!

Did you ever hear about freecycle, it's a website where people give stuff away that they don't need anymore. You have to give someone away on your first post, but after that you can ask for stuff you need and if someone has it, they may give it to you.

http://www.freecycle.org/

It's a long road but you've done so much already. You're going to make it Jessica!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 9:21pm

(((angelwatcher)))


I do know what you feel like, even if it's not to the same extent. I am 25 and feel my body has given up on me too at times. I have fibromyalgia, borderline personality, bipolar disorderm PTSD, GAD, social anxiety disorder, panic disorder with agoraphobia, chronic tic disorder in remission, bad eyes, poor digestion due to an eating disorder, weak enamel on my teeth, PMDD, dissociative disorder NOS. Just to name a few.


I'm sorry to hear of your money troubles. That can be a huge weight on anyone's shoulders.


I'm glad you are happy to be a SAHM. That's something to hold on to for sure.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 11:08pm

with your fissures, do you have crohn's disease or colitus. there is a crohn's and colitus board that i visit everyday. it helps a lot to talk to someone about that.

What you described is what our life was like a few years ago. I can tell you that it will get better.

Hugs for you and i'm praying that things change for the better soon.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Sun, 01-21-2007 - 11:16pm

I also wanted to suggest that maybe you can apply for HUD. when my dh was laid off for a year and a half we almost lost our house. they took over our mortgage and we didn't have to make a payment for 1 year and then for six months we made half payments. once he went back to work instead of our mortgage being 800 a month it was 1000 a month it was hard to pay the extra money on the mortgage but it helped us during the time we couldn't pay the mortgage.

also I went to food banks and the local girl scouts pitched in and helped us with food and things. check into local charities. when i had foot surgery and was in a wheel chair for 3 months (someone told them about us) they came in 3 times a week and provided meals for us. I was embarrassed and upset and so was dh but we swallowed our pride for the sake of the kids. we now help out others with meals occasionally and i try to do what I can to help others.

I hope things work out for you.

Robin