I feel like ending it all is the best

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
I feel like ending it all is the best
8
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 12:47pm
thing for me. I am so sick of having these thoughts and feelings, sick of being mentally ill, sick of therapy, I am just plain sick of everything. But, I know if I tell anyone I will end up back in the hospital. I am so sick of medications, that I stopped taking them. I know that was wrong, but I am just sick of them. They are not working anyways. I personally think it would be best for my sister and the two other people that I have to end it all. I would no longer be a burden to them and I would be out of this pain that I am in. I have nothing on me currently that I can self-injure with (I'm at school )...that would make me feel better at least for right now. No one understands and I have NO friends, except for one (she is actually my teacher)and she is on leave for a couple more weeks, but she would put me in the hospital herself...(if she knew how I was feeling)she did it before....twice. She is the one who made me start counseling and DBT. I feel like suicide is my only choice. Deep down, I know I don't want to die, but I feel I have no option. I don't want to go to the hospital. Is there any websites that I could talk with someone (not in person because I know what will happen), in hopes that these thoughts/feelings pass. I know if I go talk to the counselor in person I won't be going home tonight. Thank You....
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 2:21pm

Hi and welcome!


I'm sure our wonderful Community Leaders will be along soon with some additional support and information for you.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 6:15pm

Hi there and welcome to the board. I wish it were under better circumstances--and that no one had to feel as much pain as you are feeling right now--and as we have felt at one time or another!


I don't know how much you know about depression but I want you to know that even though it can strike anyone--at any age, it is also quite treatable. I also want you to know that I can totally understand your frustration with the "system" of therapists, meds, DBT, and hospitals. Again, I've been there and most others here have too! It is frustrating--to want so badly to feel better and yet the pain--and the treatment, can seem endless! Depression can affect one's appetite, mood (obviously), sleep schedule, socializing, judgement and perception--to name just a few. When someone is very depressed, it can be hard to separate facts from feelings. For instance, even though things might FEEL hopeless right now--that is almost never the case!


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 8:49pm

Hi Zeke and Doug,

It's the fact of the matter that this is a lonely, hard and cold world. I sure agree with you there.

The reason I'm trying to face it all is for ethical reasons. I don't want to abandon my family to be "stuck up in the world all alone."

I wish I had some brighter words but right now I feel like it would be lying. However even though life is miserable almost every single day I don't think that suicide is the right option.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Mon, 01-22-2007 - 10:57pm

You know suicide isn't your only choice.


As I've said to your other posts you are worth it and counselling and DBT will help, oh and the hospital is not always a bad option. Make a list with me of your options:



  • call counsellor

  • call friend

  • call pastor (if applicable)

  • write on the boards

  • email all your friends (maybe even send them a note that you are thinking about them and something special about them) - it sometimes helps to help others

  • call a friend

  • call a crisis line

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 10:13am
Hi all....Thanks so much for the helpful replies. I am doing a little better today (at least....I survived the night without hurting myself). I tried calling my therapist's office for an appointment yesterday, but so far no call back. I think I must have said something in our last session that she did not like and she does not want to see me anymore. We never scheduled another one after our last meeting and we always do that, so that is that other reason I think she hates me. But, that's my problem. Anyways, I just wanted to thank everyone for responding. I do have an appointment with my med provider, so maybe we can work something out so that I am not on SO many meds and that I will take them. There are just so many to remember, and they make me feel so tired and wiped out. I don't want anything that will make me gain weight. I have lost 14 pounds in 8 days, and want to continue doing that. I have warded off ALL soda, caffeine and junk food. I have been able to eat under 800 calories a day. I just really need to lose weight and can't do that if the meds make me gain it. I hate myself enough as it is, so maybe if I lose some weight I can at least feel like a normal person. But, anyways I have an appointment with my med provider on Thursday, so maybe I will tell her how I have been feeling. Thanks again so much....Brenda
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2005
Tue, 01-23-2007 - 6:37pm

(((Brenda)))


Good to hear that you made it safely through the night. I hope things continue to improve with time. I hope you will keep that list of things I said handy for times like these. Or make your own if they're different. In any case have a definate safety plan of things you can do to stay safe.

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Amanda

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-29-2007
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 1:25pm
I sincerely hope that you are doing better....I just wanted to share some thoughts with you....first of all I do understand ....the meds yeck...the therapy boring and do they REALLY understand...? Maybe maybe not but sweetie if you want to get better you have to pull yourself out of that blaCK HOLE YOU ARE IN....OOPS SORRY...I have been in the hosp too....and the only way to get better is to creep out slowly but surely...zeke and doug need you too....aug 26 I attemted to take my life and I almost made it..it was the worst day of my life and the best day of my life because I realized that if I had checked out I would have never felt the sun on my face or heard the birds sing....or hugged my kids...You have a responsibility to your self to get better..you can do it ! There are people that love u and rely on you to enrich their lives and u don't even realize it....be gentle with yourself....do something every day just for you ...take the time to feel the warmth of the sun..or a snowflake on your cheek and slowly but surely u may be suprised at how your spirits willbegin to lift.....and if you want to talk anytime...you have a friend....Sincerely Bugg
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 10:18pm

Hi Bugg,


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