cant trust myself-trig
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cant trust myself-trig
| Thu, 01-25-2007 - 10:10am |
Im having a bad day. I am having insomnia and when I was sleeping last night I dreamed of a bus crash and I saw people up in flames burning. When I get up, DH wonders why i am in such a mood. I hate myself for the way that i am. My back hurts so bad yesterday and today especially, I think i herniated a disc again. The pain is so bad that i want to puke and it radiates from my lower back to my buttocks, my knees and down to my toes. I take 4 motrin every 4 hours just to take the edge off the pain. I am so mean to everyone too. My innocent baby is the only one who makes me smile and laugh. I guess that is good if I can still laugh, right? She is napping now so that is a good break for me. DD has a half day from school today and is off tommorrow. I am very nervous and aggitated about that because I finally made a pdoc appointment and it is for tomorrow at 10:30am and I made it for then b/c I thought she was in school but they are off tomorrow. She will be 8years old on Feb.10 and DH said that she will be ok in the waiting room while I see the pdoc. I dont trust my judgements and of course I am scared to leave her. She is a good sensible girl and doesnt talk to strangers and I will inform the staff that she will be waiting there for me and I have seen other kids wait for their moms too but I feel so awful and guilty and i hate myself for having to do that, i hate myself for having to go to begin with. Am I an awful mom to let her wait for me? Should I just blow off the appointment? I started scratching my skin again and last night I used a sewing needle to cut myself. I am so out of control. My best friend is celebrating her birthday tomorrow night. I go every year and they rent a limo and we drink a lot. DH never wants to go, it is not his type of thing. I know I should not drink with all of my meds and last year I got really depressed at the bar and called DH to come and get me and he got our girls out of bed and came and got me at 2am and I cried and was so happy to see him. I dont ever feel like i belong anywhere. I am 35 and my friend is 25 and I feel so old and I am 30 lbs overweight and I am uncomfortable in my skin, I always feel like people hate me or are laughing at me and I always feel like I look dumb. I dont think that I should go but then a part of me wants to be self destructive like that and I dont care. I know I will be miserable but I dont want to hurt my friend and I also dont want to miss out. I just never know what to do. I wish that I didnt hate myself so much.
Jessica
Jessica

Hi Jessica,
I think you should take your friend out to lunch or dinner instead. Here's another good reason not to drink: alcohol has a ton of calories! I don't drink alcohol at all- and it's never shocked anyone. In fact often no one notices if you're discreet about it and just order a bottle of water instead.
How did you and your best friend meet? I have a good friend who is about 10 years older than me and I love her, age does not matter at all. In fact she's kind of a role model for me.
If you hate the way you look, how about a makeover? I've been feeling not-so-great-looking lately too, I want to get my makeup, hair, and nails done for Valentine's day but it's SO expensive at the good places! So I probaly won't do it but I kind of want to, just to see how I look.