The thought of death used to be very comforting to me too. I would lie in bed looking at the shadows the trees cast on my wall, and thinking about death. It helped me get to sleep. The shadows moved when the wind blew through the trees and somehow it was very peaceful.
The other side of it is, people would miss you and be very sad if you died. So I hope you hang on.
theres no-one i adore who would miss me..if there was or if i was important to someone maybe id hang on...my husband no doubt loves me...but he is better off without me. i dnt see him all the time, wen i do...he tlks bout my past, i never cheated on him bt i was a mess because of life made it that way, grew up in a broken home, dad abandoned me i was a mess...i wud drink, smoke do drugs yeh id go out and men tried it on bt no man has touched me like he has..yet he brings it up wot happened 3yrs ago...askin me ova and ova...wen he looks at me..he doesnt see a broken girl whose changed into a woman who is good,decent and head strong.he never will..
my mother hates me because i hurt her for talkin to the abusive father for marryin out of her choice goin against my culture and community..she doesnt look at me, hasnt for 3yrs..
and finally he dropped me again, he got married and dropped me..called me to say stay out of my life..who am i kiddin, i havent got people to live for...i dnt think any of em would miss me..even i wouldnt miss me...
i am thinkin and thinkin and thinkin of ways to die...why cant i think of any...its like a block...
im sorry first of all for not putting trigger on the post didnt realise.
i cant be bothered to be honest with therapy, i dont have the time wot wit schooling, full time job and having issues wit people. so therapy is kinda out of my reach, and its so far and costly and i cant do it im too tired to do it.
i am still hanging around i want my husband to care, i feel like he doesnt he's never asked me if im ok? never..i tell him myself and wen i do i think all he sees is me cryin and complaining, if he didnt hed ask me himself if im ok...
A few short months ago I was exactly where you are now. I had a plan and the means and it was just a matter of a few days or hours that i wouild carry out my plan. then one night i came upon this board. I poured out my feelings hoping that someone would connect with me and that i would learn that I wasn't alone. These women here have helped me and given me a reason to go on. I"m in therapy now and I can't say that things are all that much better but i'm dealing with them better.
I have my bad days and i have my really bad days but then i have my good days.
Then a few weeks ago I almost died. I went the whole nine yards cpr flatlined and i believe i had a near death experience. It has changed my way of thinking and it's so hard to stay on that line of thinking but to me it isn't a weekly strungle or a daily struggle i have to sometimes take it an hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time. If you can't afford therapy maybe there are resources in your area that would help free of charge. I know how things are going about money. right now my husband and I are actually counting pennies to buy gas and i'm not exagerating. we are trying to get through a really hard time financaily and just pay our mortgage payment so that in a year we can refinance out house. in the past 20 years we have been married we have had to file for bankruptcy twice and we are determined to get out of it ourselves. it's not that we are blowing money it's that my health is really bad and my rx's are costing us a fortune. right now i'm going with out 4 of the meds i desperatly need and i don't know when we'll be able to pay for them again. so my depression is getting worse and my diabetees is getting worse. last night i laid on the couch i was in so much pain from my crohns disease i just cried for 2 hours till i finally fell asleep. but we can't afford the drugs that in need and i don't want to put anymore burden on my dh about getting them. he doesn't know that i'm not taking most of them and i don't want him to know because i don't think he can handle it.
All i can tell you is that there are people out there who will miss you. have you thought about calling a suicide hotline? try coming here as much as you can and we'll all try to help you through this very rough time for you.
Hi Sami, I'm so sorry to read that you feel you want to die, your life story is so sad that I can fully understand why you seem to of given up on life. Sami sweetheart everyone deserves to be happy even you, if you could let go of your past, I know it could be hard to do that, you cannot change it so why let it hurt you. is there anything in your life that can give you some glimmer of hope? you mentioned your husband not being supportive dose he realy know how your feeling, have you told him your suicidal? Sweetheart it's so important for you to talk to someone about how your feeling, i have read a few of the replys you have received and they have tried to encourage you to contact a helpline I implore you to do it, you will get the help you need, you will get the space and time to pour your heart out and hopefuly explore your options on what course of action you can take to get you out of your dark days and into sunshine. I will be thinking about you and sending my love to you through the universe.
Thank you for posting to me and being empathetic it means a lot. I think you're right when you say I should try and put the past behind me. I am trying to do that now, I really am, once I'm married Im out of the door...its over and I get to move on finally...but is it final?
At the moment, since Ive been incredibly down I have had a lot of glimpses of hope. Firstly my fiance has landed an amazin job which i dont knw how!! but its made us financially more than ok! i am soo happy god has done that! all our debts are going to be gone, we can afford whatever we wish and we can save too...im soo happy. the job is in the middle east..im a bit worried cos im a british born, however its dubai so..and the accomadation is more or less paid for..im going to get a job too...truth is i dont hve to work..never thought that would happen to me, but i want to.
In terms of the husband knowing, he knows now..i told him, cried to him and he came to see me for like 3hrs and just held me..it felt good...it felt really good. I am going to miss him he goes in a month, then ill join him after the weddin in august..im going to be soo lonely without him...
my relationship with my mum is always up and down..she doesnt know about this job, that ill be gone abroad..yet i dont know if she;ll see good in it too..that ill have a lifestyle none of us have had, could have. even my husband hasnt had a financially well off family, theyve struggled and im blessed because we are both still very young and this break is everything. not jst in terms of money but we both get to get away from it all and start fresh i think thats my hope.
i feel that, i can actually concentrate on exams now cos the future in terms of money and family looks good..i wont b around them...i hope my mum takes the news good..however she reacts will put a damper on things.
I am so sorry Robin for what you went through...I pray that you are making more and more progress every day...
What makes me feel for you and makes me think I really am not that bad is the fact that for you its not a daily or weekly thing like it is for me, its an hourly thing. How are you now in terms of finance and your husband?
did u get a lot of counselling? with counselling i feel everything seems to re-surface again and then you end up re-addressin the whole situation over and over again..dont u feel that?
how is ur health? i am soo soo sorry for how ure feeling, it brought a tear to my eye wen i read your post..i feel like im sat here complainin about irrelevant things wen there are people a lot worse off..i am sorry for how u feel, if i can help in any way..pls let me know. truth is, i feel i cant even help myself, how will i help anyone else.
i knw u dnt wish to tell your husband about the medicines, but perhaps if u did..would he be able to sort anything out? i dont knw how it works in the states, but are u able to get free medication or anythin of the sort? anyone u can turn to for help? is there any family? its jst so sad that ure in a lot of physical pain as well as anything else.
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The thought of death used to be very comforting to me too. I would lie in bed looking at the shadows the trees cast on my wall, and thinking about death. It helped me get to sleep. The shadows moved when the wind blew through the trees and somehow it was very peaceful.
The other side of it is, people would miss you and be very sad if you died. So I hope you hang on.
theres no-one i adore who would miss me..if there was or if i was important to someone maybe id hang on...my husband no doubt loves me...but he is better off without me. i dnt see him all the time, wen i do...he tlks bout my past, i never cheated on him bt i was a mess because of life made it that way, grew up in a broken home, dad abandoned me i was a mess...i wud drink, smoke do drugs yeh id go out and men tried it on bt no man has touched me like he has..yet he brings it up wot happened 3yrs ago...askin me ova and ova...wen he looks at me..he doesnt see a broken girl whose changed into a woman who is good,decent and head strong.he never will..
my mother hates me because i hurt her for talkin to the abusive father for marryin out of her choice goin against my culture and community..she doesnt look at me, hasnt for 3yrs..
and finally he dropped me again, he got married and dropped me..called me to say stay out of my life..who am i kiddin, i havent got people to live for...i dnt think any of em would miss me..even i wouldnt miss me...
i am thinkin and thinkin and thinkin of ways to die...why cant i think of any...its like a block...
Hi ,
It's good to see you again but we're sorry that you're not feeling well and are thinking about harming yourself.
Hi Sami,
thanx for ur concern guys..
im sorry first of all for not putting trigger on the post didnt realise.
i cant be bothered to be honest with therapy, i dont have the time wot wit schooling, full time job and having issues wit people. so therapy is kinda out of my reach, and its so far and costly and i cant do it im too tired to do it.
i am still hanging around i want my husband to care, i feel like he doesnt he's never asked me if im ok? never..i tell him myself and wen i do i think all he sees is me cryin and complaining, if he didnt hed ask me himself if im ok...
Hi, and welcome to the board.
A few short months ago I was exactly where you are now. I had a plan and the means and it was just a matter of a few days or hours that i wouild carry out my plan. then one night i came upon this board. I poured out my feelings hoping that someone would connect with me and that i would learn that I wasn't alone. These women here have helped me and given me a reason to go on. I"m in therapy now and I can't say that things are all that much better but i'm dealing with them better.
I have my bad days and i have my really bad days but then i have my good days.
Then a few weeks ago I almost died. I went the whole nine yards cpr flatlined and i believe i had a near death experience. It has changed my way of thinking and it's so hard to stay on that line of thinking but to me it isn't a weekly strungle or a daily struggle i have to sometimes take it an hour at a time or 5 minutes at a time. If you can't afford therapy maybe there are resources in your area that would help free of charge. I know how things are going about money. right now my husband and I are actually counting pennies to buy gas and i'm not exagerating. we are trying to get through a really hard time financaily and just pay our mortgage payment so that in a year we can refinance out house. in the past 20 years we have been married we have had to file for bankruptcy twice and we are determined to get out of it ourselves. it's not that we are blowing money it's that my health is really bad and my rx's are costing us a fortune. right now i'm going with out 4 of the meds i desperatly need and i don't know when we'll be able to pay for them again. so my depression is getting worse and my diabetees is getting worse. last night i laid on the couch i was in so much pain from my crohns disease i just cried for 2 hours till i finally fell asleep. but we can't afford the drugs that in need and i don't want to put anymore burden on my dh about getting them. he doesn't know that i'm not taking most of them and i don't want him to know because i don't think he can handle it.
All i can tell you is that there are people out there who will miss you. have you thought about calling a suicide hotline? try coming here as much as you can and we'll all try to help you through this very rough time for you.
Robin
Sami sweetheart everyone deserves to be happy even you, if you could let go of your past, I know it could be hard to do that, you cannot change it so why let it hurt you.
is there anything in your life that can give you some glimmer of hope? you mentioned your husband not being supportive dose he realy know how your feeling, have you told him your suicidal?
Sweetheart it's so important for you to talk to someone about how your feeling, i have read a few of the replys you have received and they have tried to encourage you to contact a helpline I implore you to do it, you will get the help you need, you will get the space and time to pour your heart out and hopefuly explore your options on what course of action you can take to get you out of your dark days and into sunshine.
I will be thinking about you and sending my love to you through the universe.
Hi Swan,
Thank you for posting to me and being empathetic it means a lot. I think you're right when you say I should try and put the past behind me. I am trying to do that now, I really am, once I'm married Im out of the door...its over and I get to move on finally...but is it final?
At the moment, since Ive been incredibly down I have had a lot of glimpses of hope. Firstly my fiance has landed an amazin job which i dont knw how!! but its made us financially more than ok! i am soo happy god has done that! all our debts are going to be gone, we can afford whatever we wish and we can save too...im soo happy. the job is in the middle east..im a bit worried cos im a british born, however its dubai so..and the accomadation is more or less paid for..im going to get a job too...truth is i dont hve to work..never thought that would happen to me, but i want to.
In terms of the husband knowing, he knows now..i told him, cried to him and he came to see me for like 3hrs and just held me..it felt good...it felt really good. I am going to miss him he goes in a month, then ill join him after the weddin in august..im going to be soo lonely without him...
my relationship with my mum is always up and down..she doesnt know about this job, that ill be gone abroad..yet i dont know if she;ll see good in it too..that ill have a lifestyle none of us have had, could have. even my husband hasnt had a financially well off family, theyve struggled and im blessed because we are both still very young and this break is everything. not jst in terms of money but we both get to get away from it all and start fresh i think thats my hope.
i feel that, i can actually concentrate on exams now cos the future in terms of money and family looks good..i wont b around them...i hope my mum takes the news good..however she reacts will put a damper on things.
I am so sorry Robin for what you went through...I pray that you are making more and more progress every day...
What makes me feel for you and makes me think I really am not that bad is the fact that for you its not a daily or weekly thing like it is for me, its an hourly thing. How are you now in terms of finance and your husband?
did u get a lot of counselling? with counselling i feel everything seems to re-surface again and then you end up re-addressin the whole situation over and over again..dont u feel that?
how is ur health? i am soo soo sorry for how ure feeling, it brought a tear to my eye wen i read your post..i feel like im sat here complainin about irrelevant things wen there are people a lot worse off..i am sorry for how u feel, if i can help in any way..pls let me know. truth is, i feel i cant even help myself, how will i help anyone else.
i knw u dnt wish to tell your husband about the medicines, but perhaps if u did..would he be able to sort anything out? i dont knw how it works in the states, but are u able to get free medication or anythin of the sort? anyone u can turn to for help? is there any family? its jst so sad that ure in a lot of physical pain as well as anything else.
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