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I'm still here
| Mon, 03-05-2007 - 1:57pm |
coming here last night and letting it all hang out was a big help. it kept me grounded to my chair and from doing something stupid. i'm an emotional wreck today and don't know how i'm going to make it through the day but atleast i made it through the night!
Robin

Hey Robin,
I notice that my message didn't show up from last night. I was in a really really bad place and was desperate to talk to someone. I was talking off the top of my head just trying to keep it togeher and and get it all out. It doesn't matter that my message was pulled it just helped me to say it and get it out. I'm still in a really bad place right now and i'm hoping to make it through the night. the nights are the hardest with me. I went shopping for a bathing suit today which always depresses me and i went to my water arrobics class tonight. i'm planning on taking the 3 year old i watch to her art class tomorrow and then to the gym to swim. it's going to be a long week. i'm not at my friends house until thursday night and then friday i'll be in the hospital for a few hours for my tretment and i'll spend the weekend with my friend.
I just have to survive the night. they are such the hardest because how can you lay next to someone all night long that doesn't love you! I've tried to sleep on the couch but i can't sleep there and i just don'[t want my younger ones to know what is going on. My 17 year old and my 15 year old asked me today if their dad and i were getting a divorce. i told them yes as soon as we can financially manage it. they wanted to know why and i just poured out to them the parts that I could to them. they promised to help me more around the house when i'm sick and to try and make things stressless at home for their dad. we had a good day with those two. i dropped them off at the mall while i went to the gym and picked them up when i got done. they actually had the dishes done and some laundry done when they came home from school. so as a reward i let them go to the mall. They want to go to the mall again on wednesday when i go to my class again and i told them as long as i didn't have mouth problems and they helped out around the house. so we shall see.
Robin
Hey Robin,
Hi Lori, i'm at the library right now. the girls needed to come and get some books (the nasty ones) and i came along with them. I checked out the book Yes, your teen is crazy and i've started to read it. they aren't ready to go yet so i thought i may as well go ahead and read my email and get something out of the time i'm here. They actually asked me if we could stop for pizza at our favorite pizza place but i don't have the money so i told them if everything goes ok this week and this weekend than we will stop next tuesday and maybe make a weekly thing of it. the pizza place has a special buy 1 large pizza at regular price and get the second for $2.00. so i could save the money and do a weekly or bi weekly thing with them. I've figured out what is the problem or part of the problem between me and them. they are always home don't go anywhere and they are so board all the do is sleep. i've become so over protective with them that i've alwasy been afraid to let them go. the town we live in is actually close and they could walk to the store or even the library. they both have phones and they need some freedom. I know i need to start letting them go. this was pointed out to me by a very good friend that i don't let them do anything and that is why they are rebelling so much. When my sil moved in with us i started letting them wander the neighborhood with her and now that she is gone i didn't let them out as much. i've always been afraid that one of them would be kidnnapped because it happend to me. i've got to learn that they are their own person and give them a little bit of leway.
things with my dh aren't any bettter and i really don't think they will get better. I think he is just going to stick it out till the last one turns 18 and is on her own and then he will finally leave if i don't first.
On a good note at the gym last night I had a man not much older then me ask me out. I told him i was married and there for i appreciated the invite but couldn't go. He told me if i ever changed my mind he would be there. I've seen him at the gym for the last several months and have said hello now and then. It made me feel good that someone actually wanted me.
I think my new goal is to loose weight and either develop and new relationship with my husband or to get a divorce and find someone who can appreciate me for who i am.
I know he still reads the board i'm not dumb so if he even reads this message he knows what is in my heart and what is in my soal but i'm not going to be take the heart break much longer. I still love him and i know i will till the day i die but i know that if he can't treat me with respect and show that he loves me someone else out there will.
Robin
Hi Robin,
Hi Lori, yes i think that i spart of the problem is i'e always drilled into their head how easy it is to be grabbed i've told them the stories sense they were old enough to talk about my kidnapping and my sisters. I know now that that probally wasn't a good idea but i just wanted them to be safe.
Schools are closed today and everyone slept till about 11:30 here including me. my oldest dd took off work today because of the snow. her last day for this job is monday and i'm very very disapointed in her. she is leaving a very good job with benefits to go and work in a pool store that her friends grandmother owns and isn't open all year round. i told her they are taking on a big chunk hiring her and if they find out they don't need the extra help she will be the first to go and how will she then pay for college. I told her that because she was home today (is hardly ever around anymore runs constantly and hangs out with her friend spends the nights with her just a big diapointmenet with her) that as long as she was in this house today she had to do cores. i told her i wanted the main bathroom (the ones the kids all use and guests) cleaned and the tub scrubbed. it's been 3 hours sense i told her she had to do it within the next hour and it isn't done yet! as I said right now in her stage of life she is a disapointment. i would never tell her that and i'm hoping she changes. I know if she were out on her own she would have a whole new prospective on life. she is basicly getting a free ride here and my dh won't back me up when it comes to making her take more responsibility.
Well i'm going to go fold some laundry.
Thanks again for all of your insite.
Robin
I think if your DH reads this board, he must still care at least a little!
How cool that someone asked you out at the gym! What a self esteem boost. Was he cute, hee hee. I know you're not availible now but how nice to know that you have options if you should ever be single again. And if one man was brave enough to ask you out, there must be others who are thinking it but are too shy to say anything!
I am a very heavy person i weigh 275 right now. and i wear a 3 x. this man has asked me out several times at the gym for the past several months. my dh knows i've told him. It does make me feel good that he keeps asking me out. he asked me to go out for a steak with him. i told him i was married and thank you anyway the next time i saw him he asked me again and again i said no. he said a steak is just a steak but i told him i was sorry but i was married. he keeps letting me know he wants to go out with me and everytime he asks me i let my dh know. i don't want to hide anything from him. but i'm beginning to see that i'm not really as bad looking as i thought i was or that my dh leads me to believe i am. yes i'm very heavy and that is very unhealthy that is why i'm at the gym trying to loose the weight. now if i can just get through easter and stay away from the Cadberry eggs i'd be ok lol.
Robin
Hey Robin,
I love Cadbury eggs! I haven't had one yet but that's only because it doesn't feel like Easter season yet.
You can still be pretty- and lovable- no matter what weight you are. That's quite flattering, to be invited out for a nice dinner!
Edited 3/8/2007 4:31 pm ET by bluerains