Bad thoughts

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Bad thoughts
8
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 12:56pm

I am on so many meds. Cymbalta, Prozac, Geodon, Cogentin, Klonopin (as needed) and Synthroid.


My psychiatrist lowered the Cymbalta but after 4 days the bad thoughts came back. She had me change it back to the regular dose 90 mg. I had one good day yesterday no bad thoughts. Today I had to go to the hospital go get a receipt for my insurance company I wasn't feeling well and had taken 1 mg of Klonopin. I stopped in at my volunteer job and told her I would be back.


I have Dissociative Identity disorder but my meds usually make the People in my Head sleep. But there are some awake and one whispers "take the whole bottle of Ambien and just go to sleep" Another clenches his teeth and says in an awful voice "cut your arms, cut your arms"


So this was all happening driving to the hospital and back again. I called hubby but he didn't know what to do he said if I call the Psychiatrist she would make me go in the hospital. I though maybe I should just keep driving around But the urge to slam into a tree made me go home and park outside. I finally got the nerve to come in the house. I am still hearing the voices, I am holding onto the fact that my 7 year old daughter needs me and I can't let her find me in a bad way.


The urges are so powerful.. I feel antsy even after the klonopin. It's just a bad day I'm trying to get through.


Just Julie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
In reply to: jukie33
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 1:15pm

(((Julie))) I am very sorry to hear this. You MUST keep yourself safe. Please call the pdoc even if it means you may require IP treatment. Seeking help is not a bad thing. There is no shame in reaching out. Noone wants to lose you. Your dd & dh need you. They would be devastated if you were out of the picture. Many times when I have thought about ending my life, I held on to my faith in God. Do you have faith? Can you read

Avatar for jukie33
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: jukie33
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 2:02pm

I called hubby he didn't know what to do, He asked a bunch of questions like did i purge my meds, i didnt. He prayed for me. I left my volunteer job telling them i;d be back but I just can't go back. hubby said take a nap but i cant go to the bedrrom because the Ambien is in there. I feel like steel inside trying to physically restrain my thoughts and keep them just thoughts not action. I told everone in my head we're just going to sit at the computer. I called my insurance and the pre existing clause is off of me on May 16th. i'm almost there. I am so tired of having to hold myself together, I don't even know why im depressed. Its not situational, my life and family are doing good. Just stupid chemicals off balance in my head, The thoughts are so clear. i am holding on to the fact Baybay will be back at 3 its almost1 right now. Baybay told me if I left and went back to Florida she would stay with her daddy. That comforts me to know if I am gone being with her daddy will be ok.Im losing time, have been for a while. hubby tells me things i do and have done and I have no recollection of it. Last night he found me in the kitchen and put me back to bed. One night he said I binged and purged. I have no memory of thaT he says he tells me stuff in the morning but i dont remember it. part of it is because of the 25 mg of Ambien that I HAVE to take to get any sleep.things feel just all wrong. I'm tired, so tired of being on medication and being dependent on that to make me ok. Even that doesnt work some days. Just so tired.


Just Julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
In reply to: jukie33
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 5:19pm
Hello Julie. I'm sorry you are so ill. I'm not sure what to write except to agree with Jan. Please stay safe for you and your little one.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: jukie33
Wed, 03-21-2007 - 8:14pm

Hi Julie and welcome to the board (I don't THINK you've posted here before but I could be wrong--it's happened before -lol!) This is a safe supportive place and I'm glad you felt able to jump in and share your struggles with us.


I'm so sorry things are so hard right now... I've struggled with depression, anxiety and similar thoughts before and so I know how frightening that can be. I've also worked in the field (my degrees are in mental health--although I am not in "professional mode" here...) and so I'm familiar with Dissociative Identity Disorder. I know that it starts out primarily as a coping skill--as a way to deal with traumatic events or experiences and so in that light, I think it's a good thing because it allows people to survive great emotional pain and get to a point where they can work through it. I trust you are doing that since you are seeing a psychiatrist. Do you also see a therapist? Have you been able to identify any triggers that have occurred recently to make things spiral downward?


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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
In reply to: jukie33
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 1:17am

How are things going, Julie? You did a great job hanging on & staying away from the ambien. I hope that hubby is home by now

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
In reply to: jukie33
Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:08am
Oh Julie
Welcome to this board everyone here is so caring and supportive. I really wish that things were not so difficult for you right now but as you know, I understand DID and I know the thoughts and invasive impulses that you are feeling. Please let us be another support system for you. If you need outside help, have DH help you get that taken care of too since you are loosing time too. Hugs to you!
Jessi
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
In reply to: jukie33
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 1:26pm

well i went IP for 5 days. The last two days in there i felt really good. the first day out i was so relieved to be out i felt better. that was monday. then tuesday came and the depression just overwhelmed me in the afternoon. today cutter is saying cut your arms stab your arms. at least i feel strong enough to fight them. the doc just called and said she had a cancellation today. so at least i dont have to wait till the end of may now. i forgot i even posted here until i looked in my email and it said an answer to ur post was posted. ty 2 all that posted such nice posts.


julie

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: jukie33
Wed, 03-28-2007 - 3:24pm
(((Julie))) It's good that you got the help you needed & returned home. Seems like divine providence is @ work that you were given the cancellation appointment. Hold that old *c**tter* off. That is just a temporary fix for what you're feeling. All of us & most assuredly your hubby & dd want you to feel permanently better. GL & GBU! jan

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