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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2007
new here
2
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 8:30pm

I usually post on the depression board but I'm having a hard time and my suicidal thoughts are very frequent right now so I thought I'd post over here. I don't really know what to say except I describe my depression as a cone. The top is happiness and it has a hole in the bottom. Going thru the bottom is suiciding. In therapy we try to add a "plug" to the hole in the bottom and obviously move me up the cone. But the further down I go, the faster I spiral. Anyway, I'm pretty far down and I don't want to go thru it and I don't want to spend much time down at the bottom either. So I just thought I'd try anything to help move me up.

Sorrry if this doesn't make much sense. I hate this and I want to be done.

pam

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2004
In reply to: pathheal
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 10:28am

Hi Pam and welcome to the board--although obviously I wish you weren't having to feel "that bad" so as to need it. Glad you found us though!


I'm very familiar with depression and suicidal thoughts--both personally and professionally. I know how much you hate it because after all, we'd really be in trouble if we actually LIKED and looked forward to feeling that way again, right? *Wink* Please know I take you very seriously when you say you are really struggling and I hope, if you feel you are in immediate danger you will call the crisis number listed here or your therapist or even go straight to the Emergency Room.


How long have you been dealing with this? (You don't HAVE to answer ANY question I ask...I'm just trying to understand...) Is depression something that is fairly new for you or have you dealt with it for a long time? Is there a family history or anything in your background that "tips the scales" so to speak? Can you pinpoint any triggers for this episode? These and other questions will help you to get an idea of not only your own history (which is helpful to keep in mind) but your own personal "patterns" of depression which in turn would be helpful in treating it. For me, an abuse history seemed to start things off on the wrong foot--but I also probably have a chemical predisposition to it given my history.


Your description of depression as being "like a cone" with happiness at the top (the ice cream is a great metaphor for happiness!) and the hole at the bottom of the cone as suiciding. You said that in therapy you and your therapist try to "plug" that hole and that the further down you go, the faster the spiral. (Probably some law of physics comes into play there but that's NOT my strong point so I'm not even gonna TRY and explain that one--lol!) But I'm wondering if this might work....


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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
In reply to: pathheal
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 11:32am

welcome.gif


Hi, Pam! It's nice to see you in our small but supportive community. I am sorry to hear how you've been feeling. You are NOT alone.


When I have experienced suicidal T&F's, they were generally attributable to situations in my life where I felt trapped & unable to change. It was difficult but I learned to accept what was happening. I focused on the positives which @ the time were few & far between. But, even I had to admit that I had accomplished things in my life. Most everyone learns how to walk or